Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my DD fulfil obligation to ex employer even if it ruins our Christmas?

174 replies

MitohMit · 09/12/2018 18:00

Name-changed for this WWYD involving a young person with MH difficulties.

After three months interning in a company abroad, our DD is coming home due to rapidly declining MH she is really no longer functioning at all won't pick up the phone, either to us or her employer.

She had committed to obtaining the correct papers before she left in order to allow her company to square their end-of-year reporting (they cannot have her on their books unless she has these papers, and had hired her on the understanding they would be obtained).

For a series of complicated reasons including her inability to get her act together (but also partly due to factors outside of her control), she has not yet obtained her papers. I think the failure to sort her papers has been both a consequence of and a contributing factor to her declining MH.

I've told her it should be a "point of honour" that she do everything to sort this, and we have hired a lawyer to help... however they require her to interrupt her Christmas at home and go back out on Boxing Day to attend a meeting with officials.

I think she should do this, even if it will be difficult. My DH thinks she should just come home and forget about the papers since she's not intending to go back. He reckons she can tell her company that she doesn't need to be paid so they can take her off the books and then nobody needs to show anyone her papers. She has not been paid so far since she never opened a bank account there, again, due to not having the documentation required.

I don't feel good about this and I feel it's a chance for a lesson about responsibility and doing the right thing.

We are thus in a bit of a quandary. I have asked the lawyers if the date can be changed to 28th December, which would present no problem, but as we await their response to this question my DH and I are not agreeing on what we'd do if the answer is no. My stance is we should arrange what will be a complicated trip out on Boxing Day (two flights and two trains instead of one direct flight), my DH says no.

So, WWYD? The complicating factor is, of course, my DD's MH which seems to be very precarious right now and is causing us huge worry. She is 21 yrs old.

OP posts:
Serin · 09/12/2018 19:46

I would just get her home and let her know that you are on her side.

Re the uni course, even if she drops out all is not lost. Friends son dropped out of an Oxford maths degree due to MH issues. He spent the best part of 18months in the house. Barely had the strength to go in the garden. He eventually got a job as an elf at a Christmas forestry event (small steps) and slowly his life got back on track. He works in the civil service now in a fabulous professional role.
You sound like you are v supportive to me. Hope you can all just focus on having a good Christmas together.

Yeaididthat · 09/12/2018 19:47

A point of honour is a high price for her mental health. Take care of her at home and let it go.

Mamabear4180 · 09/12/2018 19:51

I'm with your DH on this. There's nothing to be gained with more stress added on. If she doesn't need the money then forget the honour crap, they haven't supported her out there anyway.

Kahlua4me · 09/12/2018 19:51

Surely her employers should have helped her to sort out the papers, especially as they need them for their year end accounts. There must be a reason why she had been refused several times and they must know how to solve it.

However I think she need to just come home as her health has to take priority. Mental health is just as important as general health and you wouldn’t expect her to fly back to work on Boxing Day if she had broken her leg....

BittyCharleston · 09/12/2018 19:58

End this now. It's clearly causing you (and more importantly her) stress, and now it's costing your family lawyers' fees too (I can sense money isn't the issue, but still this aspect of it just makes the whole situation even more ridiculous). On top of which you're considering 'ruining' Christmas. Your DD needs support and structure, and a loving family around her at a stressful time. Not judgement, stressful travel, and foreign admin on boxing day.

It's a 3 month (effectively unpaid) internship with an employer she doesn't want to return to. Write it off and fudge the CV if you have to, though if she's technically in education you won't even need to.

Just let her come home and stop this nonsense. Send the appropriate emails tomorrow and be done with it.

(It sounds like she should also consider a MH break from uni, to be honest. Which is fine. Focus on getting her better and the rest will follow. This situation is contributing to her illness: she sounds overwhelmed, I don't see how lawyers and ill-timed flights are helping.)

Original poster
MitohMit · 09/12/2018 20:02

Sparkle, Charleston, thank you for reading so closely and for your comments.

Thank everyone really.

I am taking everything on board, honestly. Have shown my DH (his first time even looking at MN) and he is overwhelmed by the level of support and knowledge.

OP posts:
BittyCharleston · 09/12/2018 20:03

Flowers good luck

dorisdog · 09/12/2018 20:05

No way would I force my DD through something difficult to teach her about a 'point of honour!!!' You say in your heading that this might 'ruin OUR Christmas.' Is that really a worry for you when your DD is experiencing a mental health problem. (And btw I have a DC that is experiencing MH issues). I know what my priority would be and it wouldn't be a job that she hasn't even been paid for. A MH issue can be life threatening. As her parents, maybe help convince her that she and her health are the most important thing here, not a job.

Rudi44 · 09/12/2018 20:07

I think by far and away the most important issue is your DDs MH and getting her home and in treatment must be the priority whatever the fallout elsewhere. If going back there will cause her a set back then to be honest I wouldn’t even worry about the implications of her employer

Rudi44 · 09/12/2018 20:08

Oh and Christmas should definitely take a back seat over your daughters wellbeing

dorisdog · 09/12/2018 20:09

...sorry OP - just saw a couple of your updates that I'd missed the first time. I didn't mean to sound harsh. Supporting a DC with MH issues myself, so it's a bit close for comfort. Good luck with it all xx

Ted27 · 09/12/2018 20:15

Why does she have to be there in person, papers can be emailed. Meetings can take place via skype

poppiesallykatie · 09/12/2018 20:16

They should not have taken her on without the correct paperwork being in place before she started. They have not paid her a penny, I can't see how negatively it could impact them that they require face to face meetings. She is unwell and does not need this extra stress. Let it go and mind her.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 09/12/2018 20:24

YABU , your dd mental health is the priority!

Bibijayne · 09/12/2018 20:26

I think your DH is right here. Is 'a point of honour's worth damaging your daughter's already fragile MH?

Pliudev · 09/12/2018 20:29

To follow up my previous post: my son had MH problems while at university. He took a year out, recovered and returned to complete his final year and did very well. The university could not have been more helpful. They have a responsibility to their students and are reluctant to let them fail through no fault of their own. Encourage your daughter to come home, seek help and not to make any decisions about her course until she feels better. Any decisions she makes now will most likely be wrong ones. Under the circumstances, I would communicate with her department so that, even though they will be reluctant to discuss anything with you, they know what is happening.

Wolfcub · 09/12/2018 20:31

Op leaving aside the MH issues and the duty to the employer issues I think you need to consider her long term plans. If she does not resolve her papers then it is likely that whatever country she is in will record that on her immigration record. If she ever wanted to go back there, or to another associated country with whom such information may be shared then that may impact on her in the future. If there is no such risk then I would do the right thing for her health whatever that may be but this is not necessarily an issue which just impacts the employer

NationalShiteDay · 09/12/2018 20:32

You're essentially asking her to flog her declining mental health for the sake of some admin.

They've not paid her, she can just come off the books, she doesn't need this right now. Life is just like that unfortunately.

DML13 · 09/12/2018 20:37
  1. She is an adult at 21 years of age - so why are you getting involved?
  2. She has MH problems - this needs to be priority.
  3. A large corporate business/company will not/does not care about your daughter's reasons for non-completion of paper work -> she is a glorified number on a spread sheet to them. But to you, she is a person, a daughter and has difficulties at present which need urgent attention.

My advice, health should come first (this includes MH). Jobs, internships etc can all wait a while longer - she has her whole life ahead of her for doing that, but she won't have ANY life if her mental health is teetering on edge.

ohtheholidays · 09/12/2018 20:43

Could you not have the papers sent to the company OP being as your poor DD is struggling so much?

Our oldest DS has MH problems and it is so worrying,we constantly worry about him.I hope your DD starts feeling better soon. Flowers

lucy101101 · 09/12/2018 20:48

"Lucy, she is 21 so she is insisting on making her own choices, as she has every right to do. We have done enough family therapy and individual psychologists consultations to know that it's important she feels she is making her own decisions. You may feel otherwise but we are being guided by professionals who know her and have worked with her."

If you are being guided by professionals why are you posting on here? I am sorry if my opinion and experience is not helpful to you. It isn't a criticism to suggest that might not fully understand MH issues. I hoped I might be able to communicate that the experience of poor MH/crisis is just that: an experience and one that might be useful to share with those who have not experienced it and therefore cannot fully understand why someone may be rendered incapable of acting, even in their own best interests.

Her choice may be just to do nothing... and that is a valid choice... and one she may have to make for her health.

wafflyversatile · 09/12/2018 20:51

She's 21, not well, alone abroad. I'd just want her home. Sometimes things just don't work out. I'm sure the company will cope.

llangennith · 09/12/2018 20:53

Good Grief, your 21 year old daughter is in another country and suffering MH problems and you want to teach her a lesson? Don’t make her fly back after Xmas, let her walk away.

This^

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 09/12/2018 20:58

If her MH is such that she's barely functional, now is hardly the time for a lesson in responsibility. She's ill. She's not in the place for principles to be imparted.

Fink · 09/12/2018 20:59

In general circumstances (do those exist? Maybe it's a tautology), I would be encouraging a 21 year old to do everything possible to do the right thing by her employer since it's very good training for the future workplace. However, in the specific case here, it does seem that your DD's mental health is at stake, the travel is far beyond what is normally expected (because of the holiday period), and the employers will be able to write it off by just not paying her and acting as though she were never there. I would say drop it.

Also, if it's France, be aware that any travel plans may well be further disrupted by industrial action/gilets jaunes (although hopefully that will have calmed down by then).

Swipe left for the next trending thread