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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think of your dd age 11 went on a sleepover, and three kids were all in the birthday child’s room and your child slept on the landing alone ?

169 replies

LardLizard · 08/12/2018 23:42

?

OP posts:
Cheby · 09/12/2018 08:20

They could at least have put a movie on for them. And I wouldn’t be leaving it. I’d be calling the mum and saying how shitty of her it was to treat your DD this way.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 09/12/2018 08:27

Mine are 11 and 13 and celebrated their most recent birthdays at home (from mid-afternoon, with sleepovers). Some hanging around on phones was involved, but the day was mainly structured - football in the garden, cake, pizza, films. And at least one of us was around more or less actively supervising at pretty much all times. So I agree with you, OP. To the PP who thinks OP's being judgemental about the activities - there weren't any, which is the point.

diddl · 09/12/2018 08:33

That is so mean.

Surely it would have been better for your daughter to miss the sleepover?

As you say it's odd that your daughter "had" to be invited?

If the mum wanted her there, why treat her so shittily?

TacoLover · 09/12/2018 08:41

I agree with your stance on the landing but I do think you're trying to look for things to be angry about like activities to try and make the mum look worse. A walk to the park on a birthday sleepover for 11 year olds? Really? I wouldn't be organising activities all day if I'm already letting them spend the entire night(probably keeping me up with their noise as well).

Witchend · 09/12/2018 08:55

I totally agree about the sleeping on the landing.

I disagree with your view on the activities, just because you don't think your dd would have enjoyed them, any of mine would have been perfectly happy with that, and have done similar. At 11yo they're more than capable of making up their own stuff.

Not that it excuses it, but do you think she was being a bit sneery about what was being done, which led to this? If they'd planned 2 on the landing, 2 inside with the door open and one child was saying it was rubbish and they were bored I can see how that might lead to the other child cramming in and leaving her out.

But also it's interesting to compare this to some of the regular ones that come up about leaving a child out. There must have been some reason why the mum said she had to be invited. Best friend? OP gives lots of lifts? Invited her to her sleepover?
If the OP had posted "My dd's friend has just had a sleepover and not invited her. We give her lifts all the time/she came round to ours last week/whatever the reason why the mum said she had to be invited"
The responses would be "of course they can fit one more in, how mean...

Lizzie48 · 09/12/2018 08:55

That was really unkind on the part of the birthday girl and her mum. It would have been better not to invite your DD at all than treat her like that.

I wouldn't moan about the lack of activities, though. 11 year olds are at an age when they'll very likely to say that any suggested activities are 'boring'! Most girls that age love just hanging out together; it's probably a case of your DD not enjoying being around the other girls at the sleepover.

EdisonLightBulb · 09/12/2018 09:01

Sleepovers are always in the living room otherwise you plan accordingly and invite less children!

Whitegrenache · 09/12/2018 09:07

My dd and ds sleepover 9 and 13 never have structured activities!
They basically play what ever they want on either x box or phones - then we usually have pizza for tea and a load of sweets etc

I do think the sleeping in the landing is shit- I'm sure your dd will make much more kinder friends when she goes into year 7

whiteroseredrose · 09/12/2018 09:25

Sleeping on the landing and being excluded is awful but not arranging activities not so much.

I gave up on trying to organise stuff by the time DD was 10 as I kept buying stuff that was ignored as they did their own thing.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2018 09:28

No activities for this age, and staying out of their way, is probably the ideal for this age group IF they were friends. Dd, 10, last night giggled and gossiped with her 2 sleepover friends in her room from 8pm till 3am solid last night. I did not get involved at all. They had a blast.

Kemer2018 · 09/12/2018 09:33

Oh no I'd be furious that's not right.
My dd is 12 and no sleepovers yet, either way.
I'll be advising her to call or txt me if she is treated unfairly and wants out.
Your poor dd that sounds shit. Girls can be rotten.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2018 09:39

As we don't know the layout of the room, there are two possibilities here.

  1. Door open, all 4 girls on floor, 3 happen to be on one side of the doorway, one on the other.
  2. Door closed.
Option 2 is awful, option 1 could possibly be fine if everyone wanted to make it work.

Every single responder on this thread has assumed a type 2 scenario.

bellinisurge · 09/12/2018 09:41

I would think the parents had fucked up badly to allow this situation to arise.

Regnamechanger · 09/12/2018 09:42

That is because Op said her daughter could hear the others laughing in the bed room arethereanyleft. If she could just hear them it sounds as if she was the other side of the door.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2018 09:48

She did say that yes, but doesnt know yet whether the door was closed. I think door open/closed makes a mahousive difference here. I can hear people laugh if I am in the same room as them, so in itself that means nothing.

sherrysfortea · 09/12/2018 09:49

Was the door closed OP?

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 09/12/2018 10:02

WtAf? I've heard some pretty awful party host behaviour but that is ridiculous! The mum actually allowed this? No wonder the daughter is happy to bully her friends if the mum happily allows it.

lightlypoached · 09/12/2018 10:04

@MsTSwift I like the sound of your DD very much Grin

BumbleyBum · 09/12/2018 10:09

Sleeping arrangements - not on
Food and activities - nothing to bitch about there imo

Ellisandra · 09/12/2018 10:12

No activities would very much be the preference for my 10 nearly 11yo.
It’s not “no” activities - it’s letting the children have control of them.
My daughter would love me to disappear to my room and be left to act all grown up, hanging out together!

She just went on a 4 person sleepover like that - they created a dance routine and filmed it, did each other’s make up, watched a film... all without the parent being involved.

I’m not sure about the landing thing. Was the exact layout that the door was completely open, and she was head to head with the birthday girl? It’s not ideal, but if so - it’s a good idea that didn’t work out. It sounds like the exclusion was less about physical space and more about trying to stick together two friendship groups, which was never going to work!

OffToBedhampton · 09/12/2018 10:17

I was of opinion partymum & birthday girl had been unfair. The sleeping arrangements excluded her.

OP's updates slightly change context, as they are sneery.

Most 11+ y.o.s want to be left to their own devices with their friends for sleepovers, the foods sounds lovely too. I arrange activities for DDs' sleepovers (crafts/ make up session, new film) for that age but mostly found they want to natter under a duvet fort, watch You Tube together & invent their own games!! My 10 y.o. and her friends made a comic book together based on You Tube characters at last sleepover, totally their idea.

This may or may not be the casewith OP's DD, (but the updates kinda indicate it's possible), on occasion there's a child invited that turns out to be 'mardychild' & moans about everything/ won't join in. The one you offer to ring parents for/ or take them home 'as they seem unhappy /they're not enjoying it ' but they don't want to go home.

So when asking DD about what happened, I'd be mindful of checking whether she was moany. There might be more to dynamics. Either way, DD should have asked to ring you, to take her home.

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 09/12/2018 10:24

No activities necessary.

Sleeping arrangements were awful.

Arrange a sleepover for her soon with her other friends.

If your DD has a phone, arrange to collect her if it happens again.

starfishmummy · 09/12/2018 10:29

Oh I think you must ask the girl for a sleepover at yours....And then stick her in the garden shed Grin

lalafafa · 09/12/2018 10:38

OP is showing her true colours now

Badtasteflump · 09/12/2018 10:44

OP YANBU at all to be upset about your DD being separated. Even id it meant them being squashed like sardines, they should have all been together.

But by that age I wouldn’t have been organising ‘activities’ either. By that age my DD and her friends would want to be left to look after themselves, apart from me getting the room ready and leaving some snacks/films/board games on hand for them - part of the fun of a sleepover by that age is just doing your own thing. So other than being in the house and keeping a (distant) eye on them, I would have kept out of the way too.

Also re the food - at DD’s last birthday sleepover, all they wanted was to go to McDonalds! I suggested other (naicer Grin) places but they stuck to their choice. I hope I didn’t get judged by the other mums for that now!