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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry about DH's shoes?

156 replies

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 08/12/2018 12:57

I kind of feel like I might be.

We aren't poor but we aren't well off either and we have some debts that we're paying off.

DH bought himself a new pair of dress shoes yesterday. They look really nice. I was at work and he bought them by himself. Not unusual as we don't get a lot of time together.

After he left for work I noticed that they were a decent brand and wondered how much they cost so I looked them up online.

He spent £75 on a pair of shoes. We don't usually spend a lot on clothes as it's not really required. If I'd had that amount of money spare I'd have spent it on something nice for both of us which I think is why I'm so annoyed.

On the flip side I know it's his money that he works for and if he wants to buy himself something nice surely he should be allowed to?

OP posts:
OffToBedhampton · 09/12/2018 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OffToBedhampton · 09/12/2018 00:10

Lol posted on wrong thread, have asked for it to be deleted!

Branleuse · 09/12/2018 00:18

In most cases expensive doesnt mean theyll last. Ive spent over £100 on boots before that fell apart in two months.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/12/2018 06:31

It doesn't tend to be the same with men's shoes though, partly because the fashions change a lot less, maybe?
My Dad spends about that on a pair of decent black lace-up shoes, not patent leather because he does't like that, but normal leather - and his shoes usually last anywhere between 5 and 10 years, being worn most days. He does pay to have them re-heeled and re-soled as needed, but the shoes themselves don't need to be replaced within 5 years, and often longer.

ElainaElephant · 09/12/2018 07:33

In most cases expensive doesnt mean theyll last. Ive spent over £100 on boots before that fell apart in two months

I'm not sure that the experience of one person can be extrapolated out to 'most cases'.

MadeForThis · 09/12/2018 07:53

I would also be annoyed that he would spend £75 on something that he will only wear a couple of times a year. Especially if it means he has little money left for Christmas presents or will run up debts this month.

You need to speak to him. He may have won money on a scratch card, or budgeted for this. Or maybe there was a bigger sale on in store. You won't know until you speak to him.

Initially it does look selfish to spend so much on himself.

Are you implying that he wore them home from work so that he couldn't return them?

KonaMum · 09/12/2018 07:58

As long as there’s food in the gridge and the bills are paid does it matter if he has the occasional little spend?

Flowerpot2005 · 09/12/2018 08:25

If you register with Noddle, it's a credit rating site, you can see his debt.

Hoopaloop · 09/12/2018 08:40

Financial slavery of DH. How much pocket money do you give him?

BonBonVoyage · 09/12/2018 08:45

I think hoopaloop's pocket money comment is unfair. It is not a case of giving him pocket money. It's a case of having money for extras once all bills are taken care of which is what adults should do. Is OP's DH taking equal responsibility for the living expenses before he blows £75 on a pair of shoes he doesn't actually need? Seems like maybe he doesn't.

Original poster
smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 09/12/2018 10:05

I was waiting for something like that @Hoopaloop what would you suggest instead? That I pay every bill and allow him his freedom to do as he pleases? That just sounds like being a mug.

OP posts:
starzig · 09/12/2018 11:09

I would be livid if my DP had a go at me for buying a pair of shoes.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/12/2018 17:09

I dont understand what exactly is the problem. You have said the money has come from his disposable income. You really cannot police that. If you choose to spend your disposable income on nice squash that is up to you. I dont understand why you think the car is a luxury that only you should pay for though

EtVoilaBrexit · 09/12/2018 19:46

starzig I assume you would also be livid if your karther was annoyed at you getting into debt then?
Because you’re not a child and you should be able to do as you please. Even if it has serious (negative) consequences on your partner.

The issue here is t about buying a pair of shoes. It’s not even about £75. It’s about spending above what you can afford and wondering where the money will be coming from.

EtVoilaBrexit · 09/12/2018 19:49

sweeny I think that the OP just see the act as a BIG luxury, one that she has made wo for years. So it’s not a NEED only a WANT iyswim.
She feel it’s only her responsibility because she is the one to use it. Even if it’s for the benefit of the family. (Eg the shopping).

I imiagine that if her DH was also able to use it, she would feel that it was moe of a shared cost.

anniehm · 09/12/2018 19:52

I do agree that expensive items should be run past each other but £75 really isn't expensive, men tend to have fewer pairs and they cost more than women's generally - even in sports direct dh's shoes were £60, whereas most of mine only cost £25 (but my hiking boots were £120 and no I didn't consult him)

Candy43 · 09/12/2018 19:54

Um £75 is not expensive for a pair of good dress shoes. Cheaper shoes are often a false economy as they don’t last as long. So yes YABU.

Tiredteacherlass · 09/12/2018 20:04

Yanbu. I think as he's only planning on wearing them a few times a year he could had got a cheaper pair and they would still last years.
I think posters on here are being crazy. If you'd said you were spending 75 quid on stiletto heels for the odd night out when you have money issues and debt then you would have had your head handed to you on a plate. Why is it ok for a man to spend a large sum unnecessarily?🤔

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/12/2018 20:24

@Tiredteacherlass. The OP has made it very clear that the shoe money came out of her partners disposable money. This is money he has left after the bills and debts have been paid each month. The £75 was never going to be used for bills or debts.

Original poster
smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 09/12/2018 20:34

We've spoken and recalculate the household bills. Turns out I was short changing myself even without him paying towards the car. He knew he really didn't have the money for the shoes as he's put Christmas presents on a credit card. I have discussed that I won't be paying the credit card bill at all and we seem to have moved forward.

I was also upset because our priorities were different, if id had that money spare I would have done something different with it.

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 09/12/2018 20:47

If you are skint why is your dh attending the sort of events that need dress shoes. Dress shoes are patent leather pumps or lace ups to wear with black or white tie. I am completely confused.

Do you just mean a pair of smart, formal shoes?

Original poster
smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 09/12/2018 20:52

No @OhTheRoses they are proper black-tie dress shoes. He won't get much use out of them and that's why I was so annoyed. Something that he would have for more use out of would have made more sense.

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 09/12/2018 20:56

He's bloody daft then. You have every right to be cross.

Flowerpot2005 · 09/12/2018 21:02

A man suddenly changing his dress or paying attention to personal grooming is also a sign of possible wandering.

Why would he want such a fancy pair of shoes to walk home in? Just be vigilant OP.

Tiredteacherlass · 09/12/2018 21:39

I saw that...but tbh it is a poor use of supposedly disposable income. I also believe that debt should be paid off before luxuries.

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