To be angry about DH's shoes?

[smartcarnotsosmartdriver]

I kind of feel like I might be.

We aren't poor but we aren't well off either and we have some debts that we're paying off.

DH bought himself a new pair of dress shoes yesterday. They look really nice. I was at work and he bought them by himself. Not unusual as we don't get a lot of time together.

After he left for work I noticed that they were a decent brand and wondered how much they cost so I looked them up online.

He spent £75 on a pair of shoes. We don't usually spend a lot on clothes as it's not really required. If I'd had that amount of money spare I'd have spent it on something nice for both of us which I think is why I'm so annoyed.

On the flip side I know it's his money that he works for and if he wants to buy himself something nice surely he should be allowed to?

I see like normal people are trying to claim the women's commuting expense as a family one but are quite happy with the man's train fare counting as a personal expense.
A few drives to the shops in a car that would be owned anyway has a very negliable cost and it is very possible that his train fares are costing as much as the car anyway.
People also seem to be failing to realise than mens shoes are more expensive than womens (even in trainers that are otherwise identical) so it is not unreasonable for a man's shoes to cost more than his partners.

I see what you're saying about men's shoes being more expensive but there are expenses that women incur that men don't so I don't know if I'll agree with it. I don't think I'll ask him to contribute to the cost of the car but we do need to talk.

My dh has a pair of dress shoes, he has had them about 30 years now, and although they probably weren't cheap (bought pre-me so don't know), they will probably last a few more decades yet.

I see like normal people are trying to claim the women's commuting expense as a family one but are quite happy with the man's train fare counting as a personal expense.

If you share your household/family money, all commuting costs that are incurred by anybody getting to work to earn family money are a family overhead to pay from and factor in to the family budget.

Check with him before getting angry. He may have got a deal or a bonus. However you are right to be suspicious as this will affect you if he is getting into debt. Best to get things out in the open straight away. If he is getting into debt that you will have to pay off, you should factor in saving up £75 from your joint finances for you to spend on yourself at some point in the future.

I don’t think it’s relevant whether men’s shoes usually cost more than women’s shoes, or how long this particular pair will last.

What’s relevant (IMO) is that he didn’t need the shoes, and isn’t going to be wearing them any time soon- yet he’s still chosen to spunk a large chunk of his disposable income on them two weeks before Christmas.

It’s tiresome to live with someone who has an immature attitude to money.

I can see why you are worried and cross.

I really hope he’s not getting into debt again.

If he only wears dress shoes 3-4 times a year and doesn’t have an event coming up, it seems an odd thing to buy, especially at this time of year. Did he even need to replace his existing pair? Was compulsive spending part of his mismanagement of money previously?

The car and all of the expenses should come out of your joint account. It assists in the smoother and easier running of the house and he benefits from you having it.

I expect there are other things you pay for out of your disposable cash that many would think should come out of your joint account.

I'm actually wondering if he knew I wouldn't be happy because he wore them home last night after work, he only bought them earlier in the day so they definitely can't be taken back.

We have a six figure plus joint income and can easily spend a couple of hundred on shoes or boots, BUT, I still think it is a lot of money for shoes unless money is no object. He didnt need to spend that on occasion shoes that will get an occasional airing.

He didn't need the shoes and even if he did he could've got a pair for a lot less money. I'd be annoyed too OP.
What was he thinking?

"Ignore the ones saying they are not expensive.... They don't live in the real world and probably have 6 figure earnings and don't understand the struggles of the less fortunate." Damn straight!

Definitely NOT the cheaper end AT ALL.

How are your finances organised? Particularly considering he's been in trouble financially in the past you should have a clear agreement on what you each have available to spend on yourselves once essentials are covered.

I'm on a very tight budget and rarely spend more than £15, dd has a disability so needs good quality shoes but even there no more than £50.

So I'm gonna say yanbu.

To put in perspective for those posters claiming it's not expensive, what percentage is it of your household income? Of his income? If those posters then work out how much x% of their income is equivalent they may rethink.

£75 is (I think maths is not my strong suit) it's 7% of my total income.

So... That's like someone on £50k spending £300!

"I pay for the car and the petrol and tax and insurance as I am the only person that can drive it." Does he never travel in it? Never benefit from it? I think that's highly unlikely, for most of my marriage I didn't drive but my then husband drove me places inc to work & to get shopping etc so it was a joint expense as we both benefitted. But then we handled our finances completely jointly with an agreed personal expenditure amount that was regularly reviewed. (Fine while we were married but left me in shit creek when we split and he emptied the account!)

"I use the car to get to and from work, which benefits you both to get the shopping which benefits you both and if we go out anywhere we take it. which benefits you both It's really handy for taking the cat to the vets too cat is a family pet I think? and at the weekends I usually pick DH up from the train station when he's finished work to save him the walk which benefits him but it didn't seem like enough for him to have to pay?" Still sure about that?

"Earlier in the year I was told on here that I would be unreasonable to ask him for petrol money when I have to drive him to work over new year. It's 27 miles each way." I certainly wouldn't have said so! That's a lot of petrol! Plus wear & tear on car and your time.

Now I think couples should do it pool the amounts so adjustment for higher/Lower earners occurs easily.

Joint account for joint expenses:

Rent/mortgage
Council tax
Gas/electric
Landline Phone/broadband
Groceries
Furnishings & household maintenance (light bulbs etc)
Tv licence/Netflix/sky
Holidays taken together
Day to day transport
Gifts given from both of you

Each have same amount available out the pot for personal expenditure:

Clothes & shoes
Hairdresser/barber
Personal toiletries extra to basics
Make up
Socialising
Gifts from one of you inc to each other
Hobbies
Solo holidays
Cigarettes if a smoker (never understood the waste of money if nothing else!)
Extra food & drink (takeaways, coffees, chippy on way home on night out etc)

We originally got in a bit of a mess financially as were still treating our finances as each of "our money" and caused arguments. Ex was also not keeping money by for bills (army there's a real issue with them not minding debt cos they've got a 'guaranteed' job for X years) which really stressed me out. He'd not had to before as he'd gone straight from home to barracks and the army deducts their living costs before they pay them.

He also tried to have a go at me for clothes shopping and night out once a week with girlfriends... Then I produced my receipts (why don't men keep receipts?!) and was able to prove I spent 1/3 of what he did on his 2 nights out a week, computer games, footie & rugby tickets, sports kit to play footie & rugby in (basic kit fine he was buying top range branded official stuff all the time even bloody socks!) and I didn't even spend it every week!

These shoes aren't even a necessity, sounds like they'll hardly ever get worn.

Saying its not expensive is not the same as saying its cheap.

There is a middle ground, and £75 is firmly in it.

£75 is not a lot for an adult to spend on shoes, if they are needed. A decent quality pair of shoes, well cared for, can last many years, and is a better investment than a cheap pair of shoes that may wear out in a few months.

However, if DH does not actually need shoes, then yes, £75 is a lot of money to spend.

Who spends even close to £75 on school shoes?!

I'm honestly not sure if they're worth the money, they're a make I know but I've never had anything by them. I suspect he was more taken with the label than the quality.

Good shoes aren’t cheap
Cheap shoes aren’t good

The make / quality / cost of the shoes isn't the issue. The issue is that he appears to have money to spend on nice shoes, and you don't. After all bills, debts etc are paid, you should have equal money to spend on yourselves. If there's no money, there's no money. If there is money, he can have £100 shoes, and you can have £100 dress or whatever.

Squash in the super market shop is not a £75 luxury. Either you're being a little bit of a martyr, or there is a lack of financial balance which needs to be addressed.

I would ask for money towards petrol when taking him to/from work. Go on a fuel calculator site.

Having a talk is the best thing regards purchasing the shoes and possible other purchases.

Maybe he wore them as he knew you would not be pleased with the price.

Good luck

OP I'm glad you are going to have a chat with him. As that'll at least mean you both can check you're on same page.
Unfortunately I've found men's shoes are far more expensive than womens generally because of bigger sizes and heavier footedness of most men so usually are better made. I have an expensive DS with size 12 feet who's shoes cost more than myself and both DDs entirely!

It might help if you could peek at how many shoes you have & how many he has and see if that helps with any perspective to whether it is an issue.

@cariadlet made a good point earlier about lasting longer.

However if he's left himself short this month blowing his disposable budget on expensive shoes don't subsidize him ...I'd say " shame you blew your entire months money on such expensive shoes, you'll need to cut back on other areas, as we don't have much spare money right now at all" .

Ps. I totally get it's frustrating though, when you are careful with not buying new clothes you'd like or such expensive personal items.

The cost of the shoes and their overall value is largely irrelevant, given the OP is more concerned about the amount subtracted from her DH's disposable income and whether he still has sufficient left to afford his usual expenditures, like the cigarettes, the coffees, Christmas, etc.

OP's DH has form for getting into debt so any sudden spending sprees on items that are a bigger chunk of his budget will be cause for concern. If he has bought shoes he cannot actually afford (if taken together with his usual things), who is going to repay this debt so it doesn't increase? Why should it be OP? She's already footing all the costs of the car, even though they both benefit from it.

What I think is sad is that this situation is causing OP some anxiety, even though she is clearly making sensible choices with respect to reducing their outgoings, she cannot trust and rely on her DH to be the same.

Ok so look. Here’s how it should work.
Take the household income. Subtract the bills incl food and debt repayment. Chuck some into joint savings. Ditto pension if you don’t have a work one. What’s left over = you get half each to spend as you like.

If that is your situation and he’s chosen to spend his share on shoes, fine. If he’s eating into other parts of the joint budget, not fine.

Any chance they may of been in the sale I've bought my oh shoes for Xmas they were originally 65 reduced down to 30? Maybe just ask him where he bought them from?

My little luxuries are usually some nice squash

You sound like a bit of a self-imposed martyr.

Everyone ignoring that I have a car. Yes I buy posh squash. I could buy supermarkets own. I have a car. To a lot of people that is a luxury, myself included!