To be angry about DH's shoes?

[smartcarnotsosmartdriver]

I kind of feel like I might be.

We aren't poor but we aren't well off either and we have some debts that we're paying off.

DH bought himself a new pair of dress shoes yesterday. They look really nice. I was at work and he bought them by himself. Not unusual as we don't get a lot of time together.

After he left for work I noticed that they were a decent brand and wondered how much they cost so I looked them up online.

He spent £75 on a pair of shoes. We don't usually spend a lot on clothes as it's not really required. If I'd had that amount of money spare I'd have spent it on something nice for both of us which I think is why I'm so annoyed.

On the flip side I know it's his money that he works for and if he wants to buy himself something nice surely he should be allowed to?

Do you actually know he spent £75 and hasn’t got them from TKMaxx or similar where you can get brands at a big discount? Or they could have been discounted in store but not on line.
Without knowing all your outgoings it’s hard to say whether it’s fair. If you, for eg, spend a lot on hair appointments and he doesn’t then I wouldn’t begrudge him shoes. If you are struggling to get by/getting into debt though you might need to sit down and set budgets for certain things.

Ignore the ones saying they are not expensive.... They don't live in the real world and probably have 6 figure earnings and don't understand the struggles of the less fortunate.

Hahahaha. I don't think £75 is expensive for shoes. It's not cheap, granted, but it's a reasonable price for a quality pair of shoes.

My household income is less that £20k pa, and would only pay that amount of money on a paid of decent boots, definitely not on shoes. But it's still not expensive.

You have to be clear that you won't cover any debt that he runs up.
Does he get any benefit from the car? If he does he should be making a contribution towards running it.
It sound a bit like you are mothering him rather than working as equals. Is this because you don't trust him with money ?

That's extremely cheap for men's dress shoes. You probably spend more on crap from primark.

The shoe shops in our town all have sales on. Bingo might be right, he might have got a bargain. But the point is your finances don't seem fair in your eyes, or in ours really

£75 really isn't a lot for shoes. So I think yabu.

Buy cheap, buy twice!

If he has a disposable income that's his to spend, why is it any business of your how he affords things? As long as he's not putting it on a credit card/running up debts, then it's up to him how he spends his money - maybe he saved up for the shoes, maybe he had a discount voucher. Does your husband have to account to you for every penny he spends?

If my OH had started questioning how I spent my disposable income, and how I'd afforded item X compared to all the other things he thought I'd be spending my money on, I'd be mighty pissed off. Frankly, it smacks of being a bit controlling.

You’re being controlling. You said yourself it’s his money for spends after debts have been paid. If he wants to buy those shoes he should be able to.

I know the shop they came from, they were reduced from £100 to £75.

I don't buy clothes often at all, have bought a couple of things in the last 6 months or so as I've lost weight but made do with what I could of my old clothes that are too big.

I agree that they will last longer than a cheap pair but if all the time he'll wear them I would have got a cheaper pair.

I know that their are dearer shoes out there but I would never even look at them.

As bills are joint I don't really have the option of not helping cover costs if that's what happens but I've been honest since I first found out about his money problems and if things go back that way I'm out.

I pay for the car and the petrol and tax and insurance as I am the only person that can drive it.

The shoes issue aside, this doesn't sound quite right to me. Are you the only one who ever uses the car - and for things that solely concern you (i.e. no fetching household groceries or travelling to work to earn household money)?

If so, fine, but if you both get use out of the car, directly or indirectly, that does sound a bit having-cake-and-eating-it for him.

Going on that principle, taxis should be completely free: as the driver is the only person in the car who is allowed to drive it, why should the customer - i.e. the person for whose sole benefit the journey is actually taking place - pay the driver anything that might cover his time and all of his running costs?

Those shoes will last more than 3 times as long as your 20 quid ones OP. Look at it that way if it helps.

Well 3 pairs of £20 shoes would be £60 so still bad value at £75.

Buy cheap, by twice

That's even worse, £40 worth of shoes would have lasted as long at the £75 pair.

Maybe he's been putting a bit away each month? Maybe he's done some overtime or got a bonus or won some money on a scratch card?

If it's out of his personal spends I really don't see that its your business. My DH spends his money on cycling stuff - I personally think its a huge waste of money but it's not my money to spend.

YABU. A £75 pair of shoes will last him far longer than several pairs of cheap shoes. Scrimping on shoes is false economy.

The debts and bills, do any of them include joint credit cards? Presumably sperate bank accounts not joint so overdrafts would be in his name too?

Will they been worn regularly? If so, probably worth the investment if they are looked after. If they are for the odd occasion and you are having to go without elsewhere the they are an unneeded extravagance.

This is about more than the shoes isn't it? You earn more and yet he magically has more spending money than you, and you can't work out how. Seems to me that it's time for you to sit him down and go through the finances. He could be hatching a nasty financial shock, given his track record.

If he is paying half of household expenses despite you earning more then I’d say that’s more than fair.
If your concern is him going into debt if your finances are separate then his debt should be his own? Obviously it’s not something you want as but he’s an adult who makes his own choices.
I would see if he will sit down with you and look at finances.

YABU. A £75 pair of shoes will last him far longer than several pairs of cheap shoes. Scrimping on shoes is false economy.

Far longer sat in the wardrobe gathering dust? That's not good value.

Did everyone miss that he'll only wear them a few times a year?

Thanks everyone. We have tomorrow off together we'll have a chat. So long as he had the money for them I'll let it go and try to ease up on how I relate to his spending. If not then hopefully I can nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand.

I agree with you that spending £75 on going out out shoes is a waste of money this time of year. Specially as he isn’t even going to wear them to his works do. He could’ve bought a nicer present for his mum, or more treats for Xmas Day for the two of you to share. Being selfish with money is unattractive to me.

But it is his money, so not much you can say really. Shrugs.

Hey may only wear them a few times a year but that could be for the next 5 years. Men don't buy a pair to go with wach different outfit, he will probably wear these for all formal occasions

I can see why you are upset/worried. I think you need to talk to him both about the shoes and about how you feel about wider financial issues and fairness.
I think you also need to make it clear that you won't be subbing him for cigarettes, coffee etc when he runs out of cash.

Shoes are different to normal clothes I think especially if they're to last Eg. Not be worn daily and get trashed. My DH gets through 'smart' shoes for work in a matter of weeks so I'd be cross if he spent £75 but because it would be a waste.

With regard to the shoes, why don't you just have a rational conversation with him about it? Say they look nice and suit him and then ask how much they cost.

If he tells you £75 or says £50 - they were £25 off for Black Friday or whatever, say well, it's quite a lot but it's an investment and at least he won't need to buy any more for a few years now. Then gently ask how he'd planned to fit them in the budget, especially with Christmas - or is that still pending? How many takeaway coffees would he maybe need to replace with a flask from home etc.? That could even turn out to be a good thing, if he was compliant, as he could get into the habit and stay that way for long after the cost of the shoes has been accounted for.

As for the smoking, he's literally burning a fortune for nothing apart from to hasten him to an early grave, so I'd definitely focus on trying to badger help him to quit that - not easy, I know, but it is achievable.

If he says they were £20 and doesn't give a satisfactory explanation when you express surprise at how cheap they were, you might want to press him further - maybe say your DF or DB might like some, especially at that price, so you'd like the details to pass on to him. If he still doesn't give a satisfactory answer, I'm afraid you have bigger problems to deal with.

I expect a £60 pair of shoes to last me wearing them practically every day for about 3 or 4 years.
£75 for 'dress' shoes seems a bit steep but not unexpected.