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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be angry about DH's shoes?

156 replies

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 08/12/2018 12:57

I kind of feel like I might be.

We aren't poor but we aren't well off either and we have some debts that we're paying off.

DH bought himself a new pair of dress shoes yesterday. They look really nice. I was at work and he bought them by himself. Not unusual as we don't get a lot of time together.

After he left for work I noticed that they were a decent brand and wondered how much they cost so I looked them up online.

He spent £75 on a pair of shoes. We don't usually spend a lot on clothes as it's not really required. If I'd had that amount of money spare I'd have spent it on something nice for both of us which I think is why I'm so annoyed.

On the flip side I know it's his money that he works for and if he wants to buy himself something nice surely he should be allowed to?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/12/2018 13:29

Buy cheap buy twice OP.

WisdomOfCrowds · 08/12/2018 13:29

I just wish I could go and spend £75 on clothes without not being able to pay for petrol.

So, the way I'm reading this either you both have seperate money and after expenses like petrol he has enough to pay for expensive shoes and you don't, which means your finances are off as he shouldn't have more disposable income than you. Or you have joint finances and he has spent all your shared disposable income on himself meaning there's not enough money left for you to also buy treats and still afford essentials. Either way YANBU and your finances need to be reassessed to make things equal. If he's buying £75 quid shoes and you can hardly afford petrol then something is wrong. Whether or not that's a good price for dress shoes is completely beside the point.

HollowTalk · 08/12/2018 13:29

Why are people being so obtuse?

£75 might not be a lot to many on here, but to others it's a fortune. The OP's own shoes cost £19. They have debts. He earns less and she has to take on all the worry of their finances. Knowing all this he spends £75 on shoes he'll only wear a few times a year.

OP, does he usually overspend? Is he the cause of your debts? You seem financially savvy and he doesn't. Does he often do this sort of thing?

NothingOnTellyAgain · 08/12/2018 13:30

I assume this is for his work do?
How posh is it?
Is anyone even going to be looking at his shoes.

tillytrotter1 · 08/12/2018 13:30

Are they dress shoes to wear with to a black-tie type of event or are you using the term in the American way, they're 'proper' shoes as opposed to trainers, or other casual shoes?
It all depends on the wear he'll get from them and whether you can afford £75.

RomanyRoots · 08/12/2018 13:32

It depends really.
My dh wears dress shoes for work and even though he'll spend £50 on a pair they are good quality, not designer label that aren't fit for purpose, and they last.
I'd be annoyed if they weren't the best quality for that price.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 08/12/2018 13:34

If he needs shoes he should be able to buy them. It would be unreasonable if he did it every week but assuming he didn't then YABU. It's pretty reasonable for a decent pair of mens shoes!

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 08/12/2018 13:34

If he’s only going to wear them a few times a year (rather than say every day for work) then YANBU. It sounds like this is a symptom of a broader issue where you both have different values in terms of money / spending / saving.

cheesemongery · 08/12/2018 13:34

That's not bad if they are good quality and will last. He could have got a supermarket pair for £30 that will fall apart in 2 months.

Original poster
smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 08/12/2018 13:35

The debts are joint but I organise paying them because he's always struggled, an amount is paid into an account that the payments come off of. It used to be I paid a larger amount than him as I am the higher earned.
However I recently passed my driving test and the cost of a small cheap to run car more than offset the difference. He thought it was important that we had a car and so pays the same as I do into the joint pot for debts. I know what he earns so I know that he isn't left too short over the rest of the month. I pay for the car and the petrol and tax and insurance as I am the only person that can drive it.
He is then left with a disposable budget which he can use as he pleases. However £75 is a big chunk of that and I don't see that he can really afford it. I'm left with a similar amount and I certainly couldn't.

OP posts:
goingatlast · 08/12/2018 13:35

When was the last time he bought a pair of shoes? Will the ones he bought last for years and years? If he wears them and they are comfortable then they are worth the money.

Alfie190 · 08/12/2018 13:36

It really depends how hard up you are. You say you are not poor and are both working, so I am thinking things are not especially bad.

Men's shoes usually are more expensive than women's shoes and £75 is cheap for a decent pair of shoes.

I suspect you are really just a bit tight with money. I think a grown man can spend £75 on shoes without checking with his wife first (and vice versa).

Lynne45 · 08/12/2018 13:37

Is it possible he had a discount and they weren’t as expensive as they are online?
YABNU if he’s just spent £75 on shoes you can’t afford.

RoboticMary · 08/12/2018 13:37

They’ll last a long time and it’ll save having to buy two new cheaper pairs. I’d look at it that way. £75 doesn’t seem extravagant for a decent pair of men’s dress shoes.

cariadlet · 08/12/2018 13:37

£75 might be cheap for a pair of good quality dress shoes. They will certainly last longer than your shoes (I don't wear leather so end up buying cheap supermarket shoes for work and they only last a few years).

To temporarily derail the thread, Terry Pratchett said: “The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money.
Take boots, for example. He earned thirty-eight dollars a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles.

But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that'd still be keeping his feet dry in ten years' time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet.

This was the Captain Samuel Vimes 'Boots' theory of socioeconomic unfairness.”

But that's beside the point. The amount of money that individuals feel happy to spend on a treat for themselves without consulting their partner will vary hugely from couple to couple and will depend largely on how much income they have and how big their commitments are.

If you couldn't spend £75 on yourself without cutting back elsewhere then it's totally unreasonable for your dh to spend £75 on himself without considering the consequences. If your dp has previous for not being able to manage money then that's bound to affect how your feel about the situation.

Lynne45 · 08/12/2018 13:37

*YANBU, wooops.

Lazypuppy · 08/12/2018 13:39

He is then left with a disposable budget which he can use as he pleases.However £75 is a big chunk of that and I don't see that he can really afford it.

But as you say it is his koney to use as he wants to so what's the problem? The debt is irrelevant as you've said that is alreqdy covered before he gets his disposable amount

StorminaBcup · 08/12/2018 13:39

My DH spent £240 on a pair of shoes then trashed them trekking to and from the train station. Do each have a personal budget that you can spend how you wish?

You've also said you're not sure where the money has come from and that he's been financial trouble before. Are you concerned he has a store card or credit card you don't know about?

swingofthings · 08/12/2018 13:40

I would never spend more than £35 on a pair of shoes. My OH bought a pair recently that was over £100. However, I have about 20 different pairs between shoes and boots, he only has two work/going out pairs of shoes. He rather spends on a quality, I'm more a quantity girl when it comes to shoes. That and his money to spend on what he wants.

StorminaBcup · 08/12/2018 13:42

My DH spent £240 on a pair of shoes then trashed them trekking to and from the train station

Forgot to add an angry face! I was livid.

Pinkyyy · 08/12/2018 13:42

In all honesty if a grown man who goes to work wants to treat himself to a nice pair of shoes, I wouldn't kick up a fuss. If you can still pay your bills it's not the end of the world and everyone deserves to treat themselves

Original poster
smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 08/12/2018 13:43

The problem is this £75 covers things, for example he smokes and buys cigarettes. He also usually gets a take away coffee in the morning and this month especially he has Christmas presents to buy. I haven't seen him cut back on any of these other things so where has this £75 come from? Is he getting into more debt? I've tried to talk to him but he's at work.
The shoes aren't for anything, he has a Christmas nigh out coming up but it's not formal and he's more likely to wear jeans and a decent pair of trainers.
I don't grudge him nice things I really don't I'm just concerned that I'll end up paying for them later.

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 08/12/2018 13:49

I think with anything like this I would just have a conversation about it with him. DH and I have al money joint but do not spend large amounts without a conversation about it. We often buy shoes in sales as they are so wxpensive and neither of us have ever spent more than £50 on shoes as we search around. And I say that as a couple where I wear 11's and he wears 14's so hardly spoilt for choice

EtVoilaBrexit · 08/12/2018 13:55

Is your worry that the cost of the shoes going into another debt that you do know about (like aCC)?
Or that he will end up asking you to pay for xxx because he doesn’t have any money left?

DaphneDiligaf · 08/12/2018 13:57

YANBU.

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