Nanny didn’t buy DD a birthday card

[BellePack]

Our live out nanny has been with us for four months. She primarily looks after my younger two twins and DD is at nursery 2 1/2 days a week. It was DD’s birthday last week, which she knew about in advance as DD couldn’t contain her excitement leading up to it, but our nanny didn’t get her a card. (She works 3 days and wasn’t working on the day of the birthday; we had invited her to the party but she declined, which is completely fair enough). I feel disappointed and also a bit annoyed about the card. DH says not to worry about it. AIBU?

It's hysterical that you are even are concerned about your child not getting a card. The world is full of snot rats who have very little going on in life, fancy even giving it a second thought... I would untwist your knickers and get real

Sorry, I think YABU.

And I am saying this is as someone who has had a number of nannies and au pairs over many years. And, yes, most of them gave the children cards and presents. Indeed, the nanny we had the longest (many years) still sends my younger ones cards. I feel really touched when the cards arrive - we all still miss her and I wish very much she was still our nanny, but she doesn’t live nearby anymore.

She doesn’t send my oldest a card, even though at one point she used to be his nanny too. That doesn’t bother me at all - I hadn’t ever dwelt on it until your post made me think. There is a big age gap between him and the others, and she knew them since they were babies. The relationship is different.

Last year we had a new nanny who had been with us a short time when one of the children had a birthday. She didn’t give a card but made a fuss over the child and asked questions about the party that was planned. I thought no more of it, neither did my child.

The thing is, there has never been an expectation on any of them to buy my children cards or presents. I would have been mortified if I thought there was.

All our nannies and au pairs were employed in a professional capacity and if my children were being looked after and cared for, which they were (mostly, but that’s another story!), then I’m happy. Over time, bonds and friendships can develop, but that is a wonderful bonus and not something I expect.

So, overall, I have to say that I do think it is unreasonable to be put out over a nanny not getting a child a birthday card. While it is lovely if it happens, I don’t think it is a reasonable expectation. Even more so when the nanny is still relatively new and this is not even the child she looks after most.

If everything else is going well, I wouldn’t fret. No, it is not a yardstick of her affection - even if her relationship with the children could be measured in that way (I don’t think it should be), she hardly knows you all after only four months.

You’ve many years of childcare to navigate yet and finding someone who works with your family is worth much more than a card that will scarcely be noticed.

Having a Nanny is to employ a professional who is an individual, not to own a control a slave. Yes, we hope our Nannies are kind and caring and that is very important, but as the employer we don't get to dictate their every manifestation of their kindness or how they must behave in every circumstance. There is a difference between an action (such as buying a birthday card) being common and it being necessary. It is true that relationships between Nannies and families can become very close and as testified can last many years beyond employment, but again, paying a a Nannies wages does not give any entitlement to demand a level of closeness or to expect interactions outside the professional agreement - these absolutely must always be the choice of the Nanny and their right to privacy and a life outside of the family they work for must be respected. Some parents, who of course totally love their child seem to struggle to understand that other adults might not be as emotionally involved with them as they are. They think that care givers must develop the same fascination and deep interest in every toy, performance the child is involved in and key event and take it as an affront or sign if lack of kindness or compassion if they don't. It is this attitude which is inward looking and unaware and when a lack of a card or something similar is really noticed by a parent (and is more than a nano seconds observation) I think there is a loss of perspective. Nannies often experience this. The child is the centre of the world for the parent, but the parent struggles to understand that the caregiver can be very caring and do a great job, but the child isn't the centre of their world. Paying a Nanny doesn't give the employer the right to that.