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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nanny didn’t buy DD a birthday card

153 replies

BellePack · 08/12/2018 08:51

Our live out nanny has been with us for four months. She primarily looks after my younger two twins and DD is at nursery 2 1/2 days a week. It was DD’s birthday last week, which she knew about in advance as DD couldn’t contain her excitement leading up to it, but our nanny didn’t get her a card. (She works 3 days and wasn’t working on the day of the birthday; we had invited her to the party but she declined, which is completely fair enough). I feel disappointed and also a bit annoyed about the card. DH says not to worry about it. AIBU?

OP posts:

missyB1 · 08/12/2018 10:27

Don’t be so precious about it. If she is a good Nanny who dies her job well then thank your lucky stars. Birthday cards are not part of the contract!

Cachailleacha · 08/12/2018 10:28

Would you expect a teacher, or someone working as a child-minder to give her a card?
This. YABU

BBCONEANDTWO · 08/12/2018 10:29

She's probably got enough going on in her life without worrying about getting the child a card - especially as she wasn't working and declined going to the party.

SewButtons · 08/12/2018 10:33

I would be quite surprised by this, I’m a nanny and the only time I’ve ever not gotten a child a card for their birthday was when the birthday coincided with me being incredibly unwell (including hospital admission) and even then I still got her a present once I was well again.
All the nannies I know also get cards and gifts for their charges birthdays, to be honest i would be wondering if she was happy in the job.

ladybee28 · 08/12/2018 10:33

The things people get worried about never fail to amaze me....

Folded bits of cardboard do not a nanny make.

EmeraldVillage · 08/12/2018 10:37

As a nanny employer I would be surprised and a bit disappointed. Not because of the card per se but because it shows a lack of connection with the child.

bananafish · 08/12/2018 10:39

I'd find that pretty strange, tbh. All of our nannies have bought the children cards and a present and come to their parties (although sometimes I've paid them for their time so as to have an extra hand with things). They're employees, yes, but it's a different relationship; they're practically in loco parentis, aren't they?

I'd get over it, but I also think I would be quite hmmmm.....

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/12/2018 10:41

I think the fact she wasn't even there on her birthday makes a difference. I think it would be nice if she had got her a card but I don't think it's a big enough deal to raise it.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee · 08/12/2018 10:50

YABU.

I generally don’t do cards and it has nothing to do with if I feel affection for the person or not. I think it’s weird to think it must mean that the nanny doesn’t like the child.

Lots of people don’t give cards these days. It’s totally normal.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 08/12/2018 10:52

Yabu. I forgot to get DS a birthday card. He's 3 so was more interested in presents anyway

mimibunz · 08/12/2018 10:57

Most people don’t do cards. It’s such an old school British tradition.

Notcontent · 08/12/2018 10:59

I think most people who have employed nannies would find this odd. It’s a very personal relationship and not making any effort for a child’s birthday is weird. My dd’s nannies always got her presents for her birthday.

Iloveautumnleaves · 08/12/2018 11:06

YANBU

I would find that very cold and it would make me wary of her. I don’t just want someone who cares FOR them, I want someone whom cares ABOUT them.

There are nannies and there are nannies.

Personally I think children can form very strong bonds and love lots of people, I would only want a nanny that my kids loved and who loved my kids.

Other people prefer a nanny that’s a bit distant, ‘it’s just a job’ I guess they feel it’s less threatening.

Obviously there’s nothing you can do or say though, just see how things go.

Henevieve · 08/12/2018 11:14

At four months in YABU.

If she’d been with you for over a year, then it would be a little odd.

Shesellsseashellsontheseashore · 08/12/2018 11:23

I don't think it's too ridiculous to wonder why she never got a card. It's not the worst thing in the world though and your child doesn't know/care.

Someone above mentioned would you expect teachers or childminders buying children cards or presents. Well my childminder did get my children cards and a present and as a teacher I give every child in my class a card on their birthday and they get a small present from the lucky dip box. So it's not out of the norm for this to happen either.

MutedUser · 08/12/2018 11:28

YABU

Frozenteatowel · 08/12/2018 11:31

YANBU imo. A nanny is a close relationship even though it’s a working one. I can’t imagine not buying a card to be honest. DDs nanny started just after their second baby was born. When she started she bought DD1 a ‘Big Sister’ t shirt and a sleepsuit for DD2. I thought was incredibly generous, thoughtful and kind. That sort of thing I really wouldn’t expect, but a birthday card I would.

WishfulSprouts · 08/12/2018 11:33

I would have expected a card too op

melj1213 · 08/12/2018 11:58

Yabu

She doesn't primarily look after your DD.
She has only been with you 4 months.
She wasn't there on your DDs birthday.

If she had been working on your DDs birthday it would have been nice of her to get a card to mark the day but she wasn't. She may have forgotten to bring a card on the shift before your dds birthday and then didn't want to bring it afterwards because it would appear as an afterthought.

QwertyLou · 08/12/2018 11:59

I was a nanny once. Now I have a nanny (or my rather 4yo son does).

YABU in my view.

It seems oddly petty and transactional to focus on this - a card has nothing to do with your child’s well being and more to do with your social expectations.

Are your children happy with their nanny, do they have a warm and loving relationship? Do you have absolute trust in her care of them?

If so, shrug it off already - seriously!

If not - then perhaps you need consider whether she is right for the role. But the no- card is a red herring.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 08/12/2018 12:40

Maybe she can't afford it. Maybe she has other pressures. She is an employee, why should she come on her day off unpaid to celebrate the birthday.

I think you don't need to write on mumsnet about a birthday card.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee · 08/12/2018 12:44

I'm surprised how so many posters think that the nanny not giving a card means that she doesn't care about the child.

Frozenteatowel · 08/12/2018 13:17

Mountainsoutofmolehills . You can get cards for about 40p.

pontiouspilates · 08/12/2018 13:19

cards are not such a 'thing' in some other countries. I have a Spanish background and where my family live, cards are
not routinely sent or expected.

simplyme83 · 08/12/2018 13:28

every nanny i know(i am one) has given card/birthday present. but usually they have primarily taken care of the children, but think even if there was a child in the family who they didnt take care of then they would still get a card. but then cards are dying out and it is definitely a uk/american thing. when i worked abroad cards werent a thing at all. so if your nanny isnt british, maybe she doesnt do cards for anyone

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