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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nanny didn’t buy DD a birthday card

153 replies

BellePack · 08/12/2018 08:51

Our live out nanny has been with us for four months. She primarily looks after my younger two twins and DD is at nursery 2 1/2 days a week. It was DD’s birthday last week, which she knew about in advance as DD couldn’t contain her excitement leading up to it, but our nanny didn’t get her a card. (She works 3 days and wasn’t working on the day of the birthday; we had invited her to the party but she declined, which is completely fair enough). I feel disappointed and also a bit annoyed about the card. DH says not to worry about it. AIBU?

OP posts:
ToftyAC · 09/12/2018 17:57

YANBVU.

jwpetal · 09/12/2018 17:58

I think YABU. Some people just don't do cards particularly for little ones. I only do cards if we go to a party. A couple of my friends give my children cards to I do it back, but really couldn't be bothered. The better questions are: 1. are your children cared for? 2. Do they like her? 3. Does she feed, play with and generally do what she is paid to do.

Why does it upset you?

dwab45 · 09/12/2018 18:06

Yep, YABU. The nanny is a work situation. Your DD is not the centre of everyone's universe.

nannykatherine · 09/12/2018 18:13

maybe she can’t affiord a present and thought it was expected
it’s near xmas
when you care fir children just think of the sheer amount of presents you would have to buy !!!! a lot
..
or
maybe. she feels unappreciated
do you say thank you
let her take breaks
are you paying her enough
maybe she sees the twins as her charges and not the older child

Marshmallow91 · 09/12/2018 18:21

Agree. Completely ridiculous and unreasonable.

pfwow · 09/12/2018 18:21

YABVVU. You employ her, you don't get to say how she spends her money and if it is not on a card for your daughter you just have to suck it up.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 09/12/2018 18:28

You're having a laugh aren't you, surely?

Sparkerparker · 09/12/2018 18:31

Your nanny is a terrible nanny. She should have got a card.
She clearly has no personal affiliation with you. How sad. Poor you. X

DisrespectfulAdultFemale · 09/12/2018 18:32

Oh, dear. Well, perhaps the chauffeur can give her one to compensate.

holyguaca · 09/12/2018 18:40

what a turn this post has taken!
nasty..

Deidre21 · 09/12/2018 19:01

Unreasonable to expect a card.

bellie710 · 09/12/2018 19:09

I used to be a nanny and always got the kids presents and cards for birthdays and christmas. I also always went to their parties even if they were at the weekend and I wasn't working, that is very odd behaviour!

Callaird · 09/12/2018 19:13

I’m a nanny and have been for 32 years, I still send all of my charges a birthday and Christmas card. I even send separate cards to their children (only three of them so far)

In one job the child had a birthday 3 days after I started, I still bought them a card and present! I adore all of my charges, would never not take an opportunity to show I’m thinking of them and I care about them.

rss36 · 09/12/2018 19:14

This is silly - she is not their friend or your friend or even family. She's employed of you to make sure your children are taken care of - not to buy them presents unless she personally wishes to.

nannynick · 09/12/2018 19:16

So as Christmas is rapidly approaching, as a nanny what should I be getting children in my care? This year I was thinking just a card - is that appropriate or is a gift also expected? The children have recently had birthdays - for which I brought them a gift, did not get them a card - if that makes any difference.

Card, Gift, or both? Does it matter?

Someone wrote that as a nanny they got a birthday present from their boss... I've rarely got a birthday present from families. It's often not even been acknowledged in anyway. It's a tricky one as it's an employer/employee relationship, we may become friends over a longer period of time but we aren't instantly friends.

ittakes2 · 09/12/2018 19:17

YABU - it wouldn't even have crossed my mind - besides cards are such a waste of paper and money!

Poloshot · 09/12/2018 19:17

Not sure why you're bothered as long as she's doing the job she's paid for correctly. Unless she buys one and submits an expense claim for the card.

Willow2017 · 09/12/2018 19:30

She's probably just being professional and mindful of boundaries.
What boundaries does it cross to give a child a birthday card? Good gravy whatever next?

As a CM I always bought cards and presents for mindees birthdays and Christmas.
The kids were not just 'work', they are part of our lives.

Course its not law, but I dont know any cm who didnt do the same!

WinterfellWench · 09/12/2018 19:36

@BellePack

Maybe it's a generational thing. Me and everyone my generation and older (born before 1980,) sends cards. Millennial tend not to.

Did she acknowledge the birthday at all? If not, then that is a bit odd, and as a few people have said, it makes me question if she is interested in your child, and if she has a connection with her.

Make sure you don't buy your nanny a card, or acknowledge her birthday in any way. Well, if she ain't interested in YOUR kids, what goes around, comes around.

And can people stop personally insulting and attacking the OP, calling her names, and saying she is pathetic and childish?! And how laughable to say she is raising entitled children. FFS here are some unpleasant people on here! Hmm And you can get a birthday card for 29p, so anyone saying the nanny may not be able to afford it is talking guff.

Unless the nanny is from a religion or culture that does not celebrate birthdays, then she is being a tight arse not acknowledging the birthday of the child she looks after. Quite poor IMO.

YANBU. And ignore the rude comments. This is mumsnet; MANY people on here claim to not give a shit if they (or their kids) get no cards, and think Christmas should not be celebrated if you are over 21, and have no kids under 11 yada yada. In real life, no-one thinks that.

Our childminder always got our kids cards BTW, and so did the other childminders in the group of 6 that she worked with in the area. Any decent childminder or nanny who cared about the child they worked for, would get a card and a small gift for the child. VERY odd not to!

Valanice1989 · 09/12/2018 19:49

She isn’t particularly environmental whereas I am, and no this isn’t a bugbear before anyone else gets started. And I don’t really buy the environmental thing as you can make recycled cards.

Doesn't a lot of recycling just end up in landfills anyway, though?

Leapfrog44 · 09/12/2018 20:06

Kids don't care about cards anyway. They want PRESSIES!

Original poster
BellePack · 09/12/2018 20:37

Wowzers again. I obviously can’t reply to all the posters. My concern was whether I had anything to worry about. Does it mean she doesn’t care about my DD? None of us know the answer.

It’s not in her job description, no. But it’s a personal touch in a job that is of a very caring nature. And of course DD isn’t aware. As everything else is fine it’s not a problem at all. But it is interesting that many (not all) nannies and CMs have said they always would. That’s what I had in mind when I was looking for a nanny. She’s good otherwise. Completely trustworthy and seems to love the younger two.

Thanks to most of the replies, including the constructive criticisms and YABU ones. I know to some extent I am. But sod you to the nasty posters.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 09/12/2018 21:50

Is she British, OP?

Larrythecat · 09/12/2018 22:08

Where is she from? Some countries don't do birthday cards and she might nitbeb aware of how much of a deal it is in the UK.

My DD's bday was last week and I forgot to buy a card for her... She didn't even realise. I wouldn't mind if it were me, maybe she left it at home, maybe she had lots of things on her plate and didn't get round to buy it, maybe she thought your DD would prefer to do something else together, who knows... If she's nice and your DD likes her, I wouldn't be upset

pantyclaws · 09/12/2018 22:28

I get it OP.

The qualities you want in a nanny are kindness, thoughtfulness, acting almost as a parent in your absence and showing love and interest in your child. And one way of showing that might be getting a card.