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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nanny didn’t buy DD a birthday card

153 replies

BellePack · 08/12/2018 08:51

Our live out nanny has been with us for four months. She primarily looks after my younger two twins and DD is at nursery 2 1/2 days a week. It was DD’s birthday last week, which she knew about in advance as DD couldn’t contain her excitement leading up to it, but our nanny didn’t get her a card. (She works 3 days and wasn’t working on the day of the birthday; we had invited her to the party but she declined, which is completely fair enough). I feel disappointed and also a bit annoyed about the card. DH says not to worry about it. AIBU?

OP posts:
AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 08/12/2018 09:42

I mean 'to someone you will not actually see'. Obviously.

ChocolateWombat · 08/12/2018 09:43

The thing is, people do respond differently to birthdays and Christmas. Some are people who send cards to all they've ever met and others don't give any.....it's not a reflection of the affection they hold for the other person.

It's probably the case that most Nannies or CMs would give a card or a small gift, but I think you've got too much time on your hands and are over-analysing this for it to absorb more than a nano second of your attention. And actually, you being concerned about this makes me think you probably obsess about other stuff the Nannny does or doesn't do to an unhealthy degree too. Accept that the Nanny is her own person and makes her own choices about lots of things and you can't and shouldn't want to micro-manage her every behaviour. If she is caring towards your children and looks after them well, you need to let her have her own personality and accept the might not do everything as you would......if you need that level of control or homogeneity wi your own approach to everything, you'd better stop using childcare.

These kind of threads about Nannies and Au Pairs come up all the time. Sometimes the parent has an underlying disatisfaction with the carer .......it can be about someone in particular, but manifests itself in annoyance over other minor things which seem to take on amplified importance due to the other underlying issue, or sometimes it is a general feeling that the parent can't quite pin down and manifests itself in annoyance over little things, or sometimes it's about not liking the fact that someone else is doing the childcare and again manifests itself in what is basically nit-picking about very minor little things and lack of perspective.

Of course there are times when Nannnies are not right as individuals for your family or when their childcare provision isn't adequate, and no-one is suggesting people put-up and shut-up in those situations, but the issues is about having perspective and knowing what matters and what doesn't and recognising that when you give another adult responsibility you have to let them take some responsibility and make choices about some things...and their choices won't always be what yours would have been......and knowing which things they have to be in line with you over, and which are minor things which they really must be allowed to make the choices about themselves.

CountessVonBoobs · 08/12/2018 09:43

As someone who's had more than one nanny - it would have been nice if she got a card but she doesn't look after this child and wasn't working that day. Some people simply don't do cards. This is not the hill to die on or the criteria to judge her nannying on. Let it go.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 08/12/2018 09:43

I don't even give my own kids cards. FFS how ridiculous!

dementedma · 08/12/2018 09:44

outrageous! Dock her pay immediately.

ElsieMc · 08/12/2018 09:44

I agree op. But this highlights to you that it is an employer-employee relationship, no more than that even though children are involved. It is not the same as a teacher and even a teacher would make sure they said happy birthday and they certainly cannot buy a card for 30 plus children.

I would be a bit put out but it would certainly put me in my place. I think you believe she is a bit more invested in your children than she really is. Comments on here about you needing to get over yourself are ridiculously harsh as usual.

When our grandchildren came to live with us, we had a social worker who sent my youngest gs a birthday card. We never expected it, it was a simple human act of kindness. Not necessary nor expected but a kindness.

rubaduhlo · 08/12/2018 09:49

I love how this thread has already turned in to teachers moaning about how many hours they work. Can we leave it separate please! Yes, teachers work long hours. Yes some teachers may get cards. But the relationship of teachers with children and nannies with children is completely different. I'm there 10-12 hours per day. I work 5 days a week. Those little people become family to me. I am most definitely now friends with some of my bosses. We have a good professional relationship. It's long hours and HARD work. I don't think people get how hard it is.
Op. While you are overreacting slightly. It is unusual. Every one I know would get the child a small present and a card. And most nannies receive something on theirs too. Did she send a text on the child's birthday?

TranmereRover · 08/12/2018 09:50

I’ve had childminders and nannies and every single one of them (& our cleaner) has always bought the children a card / gift for birthdays and Christmas and has helped them make cards for other family members. I’d be very surprised- is it her first nanny job? It’s just thoughtless

W0rriedMum · 08/12/2018 09:55

Interesting that all the CMs, nannies and nanny employers fall on one side and everyone else is on the other. It's the "not bothered" possibility that is the issue, rather than the actual card/text/gift/balloons. The nanny who posted to say she decorates the house and bakes a cake - that absolutely counts as marking the day and nothing further is needed. It's not the paper card that is the issue here.

BatF1nk · 08/12/2018 09:55

How many of your posters have had nannies before and understand the unique relationship? You know, before spouting off

Thought so Hmm

BatF1nk · 08/12/2018 09:55

*you

Lynne45 · 08/12/2018 09:58

She wasn’t working on the day of the birthday so YABU. It’s not like she was there on the birthday and ignored it.

CherryPavlova · 08/12/2018 10:01

It’s a bit mean and shows a lack of commitment and empathy towards the children. Our nannies/mothers helps always bought presents and cards just as we gave their children presents and cards. They became part of our wider family - and remain so now. Our daughters were our last nannies bridesmaids and her children’s godmothers. Our mothers help looked after the older ones when I was delivering the youngest. They had a sleepover at her house with a huge fuss. She was the first to see the new baby as she brought the older ones to me in the hospital an hour after the birth.
I couldn’t have had someone look after my children for whom it was ‘ just a job’. We gave more but expected more in return.

Maremaremare · 08/12/2018 10:01

I think that's really quite weird - and for me would indicate the nanny doesn't care that much about the child. The only thing I wonder (haven't read the full thread) is whether the nanny is from a country where card-giving isn't a 'thing' like it is in the UK

StroppyWoman · 08/12/2018 10:03

YABU. I was an au pair, I would have brought a card if the birthday was a day I was working but not for a child I don't look after on a day I didn't work. It's a job.

cariadlet · 08/12/2018 10:04

I clicked on the thread assuming it was the child's grandmother that hadn't got a birthday card (don't come from the world where professional nannies are common) and was about to say YANBU.

From reading the thread it seems to be fairly common for nannies and childminders to send cards, but she wasn't working that day and it isn't the child that she mainly looks after. It would have been a nice gesture, but doesn't seem worth worrying about.

Orlande · 08/12/2018 10:10

Lots of people don't do cards, especially if not British.

I'm a childminder and don't give birthday cards or presents.

Alfie190 · 08/12/2018 10:13

Good grief you are being pathetic and childish! You are actually sitting there feeling disappointed that an employee did not buy a birthday card?

I sometimes cannot believe what I read on here. Get over yourself you.

YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 08/12/2018 10:14

I think YANBU.

I'm a nanny.

It's not the same as being a teacher, a nanny is 1:1 with a child.

I would always give a card and small pressie. I have organised Xmas pressies for my charge and his mum! She also gives pressies and cards for my children.

Ellisandra · 08/12/2018 10:16

Cards are not A Thing for all people. My 18-22yo stepkids think they’re as bad as plastic straws.

AliceScarlett · 08/12/2018 10:18

What? It's not the 00s people don't do cards anymore.

mum11970 · 08/12/2018 10:22

So your nanny of 4 months, who mainly looks after your two other kids, not your dd, hasn’t got her a card! Get a grip. There is no 1:1 close relationship here so that rubbish spouted by others is null and void.

adoggymum · 08/12/2018 10:23

I guess you shouldn't have expected it but when I've babysat for a family for a while and got close to the children I've usually got a gift and definitely a card.

juneybean · 08/12/2018 10:26

Yanbu and I say that as a nanny. It's a close relationship you become part of the family.

JassyRadlett · 08/12/2018 10:26

What’s her background? I find cards are much more important in Britain than in many other countries.

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