How do I tell the family I cannot do this anymore?

[AutumnEvenings]

Over the last few years I have developed a painful hip. A visit to the GP recently and an xray has confirmed that I have Osteoarthritis. As I am in my late fifties this is not unusual, but now I cannot even walk round a supermarket without limping heavily. I can still work, but have reduced my hours considerably. My GP has indicated that I am not ready for nhs hip replacement. Private surgery may be an option but costs around 12K.

My DH has had many health problems over the time we have been married. Road accident in twenties, several months off work, bad back which involved months off work on sick leave, knee problems for which we paid for private surgery. He suffered sepsis a few years ago and was off work for two months. During this time I supported him financially when ill, as well as the kids. Until recently I have never been ill and always worked full time.

Yesterday DH had a day out with adult DD, who lives at home aged 27. I was off work and stayed at home. I have worked three long days this week needing to be up at 06.30 hours and not home until 19.00 or 19.45, it is hard with the health problems I have, but do not want to be dependent, so will keep going.

When they arrived home he kicked off and said that he had left the kitchen tidy and I had piled up loads of shit. I counted one mug, one plate and three items of cutlery, plus a yoghurt carton which was washed out and turned up on the draining board to be recycled.

DD is a full-time mature student but has two weeks off from uni. This week alone I have given her £120 from my earnings because she booked a trip to Amsterdam with her BF, unable to afford this so bank of mum required.

DD does no housework as she is always busy with uni work, lives completely free from bills, we have had a massive row because she does nothing to help. DH is resentful because I am no longer able to be the household skivvy he has got used to over the years. LTB is not an option in my current situation. I have tried talking to him, but DH will not listen or engage. DD sides with her Dad, is basically a spoilt B and DS who I have a great relationship with is in London and will not be home until 22 December.

I don't expect advice, as the problems are of my own making, but is anyone else in the same situation?

Sounds horrendous.
Any chance of working from home?
Online shopping.
Cleaner?
Maybe you could ask your GP to write a report on your hip and the effects on you and what you could do to mitigate them?

The problem sounds like you both think the other thinks of you as the cleaning fairy. The most easy solution would be that you each clean up your own mess.

Out of interest why didn't you clean up after your meal? You cleaned the yogurt carton so it's not like you are physically incapable. Tbh if I came home and my husband had left his dirty plates laying around but had washed a yogurt carton I would think he was being passive aggressive.

I was in a similar situation but don't work. I took DH to appointments so he realised I just wasn't capable of anything some days and that's ok. Your DD has plenty of time to help with housework and cooking or I'd make her pay enough board for you to pay for a cleaner.

You might find this helpful.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3412053-Mumsnet-FWR-Guide-to-De-Programming-Yourself-From-Self-Harming-Kindness

Your daughter has it on a plate doesn't she? No rent or bills, bank of mum on tap and no housework.

Both she and your husband are treating you with a total lack of respect.

Arthritic hips are draining and painful.

HeathRobinson

Thanks for listening. I work as a nurse practitioner in a GP surgery, face to face contact is essential so no chance of working from home. Most of the people I see are in far worse situations. To be honest I can manage at work, because the patients come to my room. It is the domestic situation which is the problem.

Online shopping is great. Household cleaning is a problem, I told DD if she would not help at home, I would get a cleaning service, but on top of the money I am giving her, it would be hard to pay for this. She takes my money on the understanding that she will clean and then does nothing to help. DH supports her position and then moans at me if the house is not tidy. When I was a young child we kids were allocated household chores and expected to get on with it.

This just sounds like moaning, but the laundry basket is at the top of the stairs. DH and DS dump the dirty washing in this and expect me to sort it. In years gone by it was no problem, but with an arthritic hip, I cannot carry laundry baskets up and down the stairs.

When my son comes home for Xmas, I will ask him to help me negotiate a better solution.

Cut DD off. No more money.

Next time she attempts to side with your H, tell her to butt out as her parents' business is not hers. If H tries to back her up or argue with you on that, ask him what game he is playing, getting DD to gang up on you with him. Tell him if he isn't encouraging her then he needs to verbally reprimand her for sticking her nose in where it isn't welcome.

For your part, please try not to make your DS take sides or appear to take sides.

Christmas is around the corner.
What is your plan?
Who is going to shop for food?
Who is going to plan and cook dinner?
Who is going to clean up afterwards?

You know, if your dd was not living at home she would have to clean up after herself, no matter how many hours she is studying?

I'm not in a position to criticise you though, I have my own issues to sort out with my dd.

Dd has to do certain jobs before getting money. No completed jobs equals no money

Also sit and write a list of jobs. Ask them to split them evenly between all of you, with you having the sit down tasks

Take him to appointments. Forward details of the condition to him. Remind him of all the illnesses and operations you’ve supported him through. Write him a text if better written down

Your 27 year old daughter does not need money from you, especially if she is living rent free. I would start right there. That money now goes to making your own life easier.

I am sorry OP but you behave like a door mat. Your SH cam go and take a hike if he wants someone else to be his domestic slave. Your DD is old enough to do her laundry and everything. Do you have a friend you could spend few days with? Tell the spoilt brats at home to go and fuck themselves? You sound like you expect someone else to negotiate your way out of this, I just don't get why.

Re your arthritis, have you insisted on having a consultation with a specialist or have you just taken your GP's word for it? My GP said I couldn't have a knee replacement until I was 65 and kept prescribing Naproxen and physiotherapy. Finally after a year of increasing pain I demanded a referral. The consultant took one look at my xrays and suggested surgery. I had my bionic knee fitted on the NHS the day after my 51st birthday and have had the right done too now. The latest replacement joints last much longer than the first generation - mine should easily make it into my 80's.

As for the housework row, you need to make it far more crystal clear to your husband and your daughter that you are in constant pain, that movement bloody well hurts, and sorting the laundry for example is simply not going to be happening.

And if she wants to swan off to Amsterdam with her beloved she can do some shifts evenings etc. to pay for it herself.

I don't think leaving such a small amount on the side for washing later is unreasonable at all. Definitely isn't passive aggressive behaviour as someone else said lol.

I certainly wouldn't be funding your DD's social life at 27 if she lives rent free & contributes nothing help wise. Think you need to cut the apron strings there & she needs to get a part time job. It's such a shame your DH is so unsupportive after all you've done for him. I'd say you need to do less generally & put you first for a change. Your health is important & DH & DD need to step up & support you.

The money you save funding DD's life can be put towards help at home I.e cleaner etc.

OP in a nutshell

1.Stop financing DD do not give one off payments or regular payments if she doesn't do the housework.
2.Write down a list of household jobs, decide who is going to do what, write this on the list too and pin in up in the kitchen.

1. Go back to your doctor and ask for a consultant referral. Take DH with you to the referral, so he can see just what you are going through.
2. Do not involve DS in DD/DH situation at all.

Huge sympathies regarding your hip, DH had the same and it is very, very painful and debilitating.

The problem here is not so much the other selfish family members but your lack of ability to stand up for yourself and tell them to fuck the fuck off and that you have a painful hip and can no longer do laundry or heavy cleaning and tell them they must step up and do these things for the foreseeable future.
Giving money then letting DD away with not doing the housework is just being a mug, I'm afraid.

I think in this difficult situation you cannot change other people but you can take a little bit of charge of things for yourself.

I agree with others about going back to your GP. Request a second opinion from a separate GP in the practise, perhaps, and/or insist on a referral to a consultant. I do not think that you have to carry on in physical pain. I would not take your DH with you. I would do this for yourself and make it a priority.

Your DH and DD behaviour sounds unreasonable to me. I am not sure what to suggest regarding that as these things are really difficult to deal with for everyone. It is likely that if you change your own stance you will face some push back from your DH and DD.

Do you have anyone IRL you can offload onto, such as a non-judgemental friend?

Another suggestion is it might be helpful to have a family meeting over Christmas and see what can be done to make the living situation more bearable for everyone, if your family can handle those types of discussions (some can, some can't).

OP your daughter should be doing housework because she lives in the household and shouldn't get money because of it. She should also be doing her own laundry and cleaning up after herself.

In fact stop giving her money for things that aren't essentials like holidays except if they are birthday or Christmas presents. If she wants money for items that aren't essentials then she can go to work.

You need to stop infantilizing your daughter - she is an adult who could have her own family at her age - , and ensure both your children aren't involved in any arguments you have with your DH.

Oh I’m sorry that sounds really tough. . You need to learn to be kind to yourself and put yourself first. You aren’t a machine and it’s time to really understand this. There is going to have to be a massive shift in your family.

Your dd is late 20’s and you’re still funding her. No wonder she’s a spoilt brat. I agree with the consensus. Stop funding her as she isn’t fulfilling her side of the bargain. As a fully fledged adult this is entirely unacceptable. Do you want to be funding her in her 30’s? By giving her money despite being horrible and disrespectful you have taught her it’s fine to be disrespectful.

Ditto your dh. How horrible to shout at you when you’ve been out at work on a long shift. Is he working? Did he work yesterday? Because tbh if not he or one of them should have made your dinner. That’s how life and cooperation work, you all pool together and do what you can.

As for the laundry. Just do yours. Carry it down every day so you don’t have a basket to lug and store it until you have enough for a load. Let them sort their own.

Give your daughter one last chance to do the cleaning. She has to get the house ship shape and do all the washing and ironing before she goes off on her trip. Or directly after if it’s this weekend. If she doesn’t, tell her you will rechannel all the money she gets on a cleaner and mean it.

Before you do all of this, ensure you have the ability to cut your dd off financially so if you are the sole earner or your salary is paid into a joint bank account, you’re going to need set up another account first.

Start being really kind to yourself with the money you’re saving not giving to your dd. Visit a friend. Go and stay in a hotel for a couple of nights. It doesn’t have to be expensive. I have done it myself and take snacks and take a couple of meals in a mini cool bag.

I absolutely agree that DD needs no more of your money. She is closer to 30 than her teens and what a golden opportunity you have her! As of January, no more financial help but she can still live at home. I mean, I would have died of shame asking my parents for money at her age!

I think you'll find the extra money really helpful for things that will ease the pain you're in and it might encourage her to be the grown up she actually is and move out! Especially when blind old DH starts to see all the mess she makes and doesn't clear up (which you must stop clearing up for her, if you do!).

You work hard and you need support, not this environment is spoilt entitled and I include DH in that, as he has obviously taken your support in the past for absolute granted.

I’ve just seen AnyDowdens post. She is right, actually. You shouldn’t have to pay your dd to do the housework. She should just do it as a member of the household. She’s put it so much better than me. You are infantilising your daughter

Is the house yours? Can you kick them all out?

Your DD is 27. She is lucky to be able to live at home rent free.

You must stop giving her money. There are finance options out there for students. You are actually doing her a disservice by discouraging her from learning to stand on her own two feet.

Everyone in the household should be pitching in with the housework.

Your husband sounds unpleasant to be having a go at you like that over something so small. Equally, it would have only been a 2 minute job to wash those things and leave the kitchen completely tidy.

Regarding the laundry, is there somewhere discrete downstairs you could put the laundry basket so that you don't have to carry it down? Alternatively, what I do when I have my parents staying with me is to say in the morning 'I'll be doing a dark wash today. Put anything you want in that wash in the machine'. That means you don't end up carrying the whole load down.

I think you need to arrange a time to sit down and have a discussion with them about how difficult things are for you. By prearranging a time it spells out that you consider the topic to be important and hopefully they will then take you seriously. It's really important to get your points across properly by doing so calmly, completely detached from any argument.

Mine as teenagers got $50 a week each for everything from phones to outfits and outings.
For this they were expected to do chores.
When the youngest turned 18 we had a family meeting and acknowledged everyone was an adult. As such, everyone had to contribute to running the house. The girls got part time jobs while at uni to pay for their outings etc.
We have a chore chart, that was developed at that meeting, and it is on the kitchen door. It changes as it needs to with consultation.
They do their own washing.
Everyone cooks at least one night a week and cleans up at least one night a week. If you want to go out then you swap your night.
We pay for the bills and cleaners, but they make sure the house is tidy so the cleaners can clean.
Feeding the animals and watering the plants is also on the chart.
Push back when they try to put it all on to you.

I agree with Chottie's list.

Plus get Dd a wash basket, shes doing her own washing from now on.

I think you need to help her grow up. Now might be time for her to move out. Shes not going to learn to look after herself if you keep making her life so easy.

Sort the DD problem and things might improve with dh.

If your Dd is at uni, then she can help round the house in exchange for free rent and board.

Your dh needs to learn to share things along with you.

Also bank of mum needs to stop. My Dd lives away for uni. Has worked part time as well as studying since she was 16 and is self sufficient. It's time your Dd learned to earn her own money to pay for trips to Amsterdam. That is a luxury not a necessity.