How do I tell the family I cannot do this anymore?

[AutumnEvenings]

Over the last few years I have developed a painful hip. A visit to the GP recently and an xray has confirmed that I have Osteoarthritis. As I am in my late fifties this is not unusual, but now I cannot even walk round a supermarket without limping heavily. I can still work, but have reduced my hours considerably. My GP has indicated that I am not ready for nhs hip replacement. Private surgery may be an option but costs around 12K.

My DH has had many health problems over the time we have been married. Road accident in twenties, several months off work, bad back which involved months off work on sick leave, knee problems for which we paid for private surgery. He suffered sepsis a few years ago and was off work for two months. During this time I supported him financially when ill, as well as the kids. Until recently I have never been ill and always worked full time.

Yesterday DH had a day out with adult DD, who lives at home aged 27. I was off work and stayed at home. I have worked three long days this week needing to be up at 06.30 hours and not home until 19.00 or 19.45, it is hard with the health problems I have, but do not want to be dependent, so will keep going.

When they arrived home he kicked off and said that he had left the kitchen tidy and I had piled up loads of shit. I counted one mug, one plate and three items of cutlery, plus a yoghurt carton which was washed out and turned up on the draining board to be recycled.

DD is a full-time mature student but has two weeks off from uni. This week alone I have given her £120 from my earnings because she booked a trip to Amsterdam with her BF, unable to afford this so bank of mum required.

DD does no housework as she is always busy with uni work, lives completely free from bills, we have had a massive row because she does nothing to help. DH is resentful because I am no longer able to be the household skivvy he has got used to over the years. LTB is not an option in my current situation. I have tried talking to him, but DH will not listen or engage. DD sides with her Dad, is basically a spoilt B and DS who I have a great relationship with is in London and will not be home until 22 December.

I don't expect advice, as the problems are of my own making, but is anyone else in the same situation?

Autumn - I meant to say that the report could give your dh and dd some inkling of how difficult life has become for you and how much they need to grow up and take care of things, because you can't.
I hope you manage to get through to them.

Gosh I wish I was your DD! Although she does need to focus on her uni, she has it SO easy not having to pay bills or do any housework.

I think they have relied on this dynamic and loved it but now that circumstances have changed you need to email them or sit them down and talk to them about changes necessary due to your health. (although health issues or not they both should clean up).

Your daughter has 2 weeks off, fine but its actually more about daily small tasks all year round because you will still have the hip issue after those 2 weeks. if its a tip (sorry) then yes she needs to spend longer days clearing it and then maintain the household thereafter, and your husband should either do more housework or pay up for a cleaner... although you will still need to tidy up but at least you can leave the harder jobs to the cleaner.

OP you shouldn't have to pay your daughter for help with cleaning its just wrong..she should be glad to help you and do so willingly as should your husband for that is what families do...they usually work on give and take and respect,You seem to have neither from these two and I would suggest telling them to pull their fingers out and start treating you decently.All should be pulling together...sort them out!! How dare they be so rude to you ..telling you off like a child well bugger that,Enough and make that the very last time you will ever be subjected to their stinking attitudes.You are a wife and mother not a hired help..So angry for you.I would be sitting down with them both and telling them how its going to be.Also and forgive me for being crude but they would bet a resounding ..go f**K yourselves from me if they ever tried to tell me what I should /should not be doing ..sod em....They both need their arses kicking in my opinion...

If I were you I’d tell them that on the 01st January you will no longer be able to do anything but light household duties, and then some days yes and some days no, at least until you have had a hip replacement. And yes it maybe a very, very long time (unfortunately for you). That you are saving your earnings in case you have to retire early, and that also you will probably need financial contributions towards bills from anyone living at home, currently living like a moody teenager. 27!!! Omg how does she not look in the mirror and think, “I need to grow up a bit, get a job, independence and stop sponging off my folks,”

Anyone moaning just tell them you don’t care, you’ve supported them for many years, if they don’t like it then,”bye bye!” They obviously don’t care about your health or wellbeing. If your dh refuses to acknowledge your arthritis then he is not worth being married to and tell him that.

But don’t back down, you back down they will walk all over you some more.

You can do this!!

You can do this 💐

I'm a soft touch with my kids (which is probably why 3 are still at home !) but that is just not on! A house is a shared responsibility for ALL who live in it.
Please stop funding your DD,,,she is 27! Both my girls worked all through uni.. (not on 'light' courses either..one nursing , one medical school) and managed their own domestic stuff as they lived away. The ones at (nurse has returned after 5 years away) home pay rent, sort their own laundry and food...I only cook sunday dinner as I like to. They pitch in with jobs as requested because they it's only fair.

It would be ship up or move out. If your dh is not supportive I would hire a cleaner regardless, it would help you out a lot. And stop doing their laundry please!!!

Either have a family meeting and really lay it on the line, or just stop.. warn them and jut withdaw all services! You are not a maid!

My DD (23) lives at home again but she is working full time so makes a decent financial contribution. However she also pulls her weight around the house, cooks two nights a week, helps with he big supermarket shop, and sees to her own laundry. If your DD is a student I can see why rent would be a stretch but she absolutely should be helping around the house and is too old to be expecting hand outs for luxuries from Mum.

Time to put your foot down with her and your DH.

TBH I think you would have to be a saint not to point out how much you have done for him over the years and the first time you ask for more help in return he can't be arsed.

OP I feel broken on your behalf
This is a sad place to be and you should have the support of your DH and DD. I think you need to all sit down and discuss this together (not involving DS although I get why you want him for backup - no point if he doesn’t live there)
Your DH needs to accept that you simply cannot be doing it all anymore. Do they not realise the severity of your illness?
I’m sorry to say your DD does sound spoilt. I know she is at uni etc but at 27 a lot of children have moved out and had children etc etc. I think you need to stop funding her now, change some rent (if only a token amount). She needs to get a job if she doesn’t already have one. Give her some responsibility around the house and don’t pick up the slack when she doesn’t do it.
You need your husband on your side. You should be a team

I would start on making changes to the thing's that will affect someone else if it isn't done.

So ... the laundry. DD is perfectly capable of doing her own from now on and that includes anything linked to it like ironing.

I would still continue doing DH as you are meant to be a "team" but he can then take on another job that was always "yours" - for example ironing it.

You and DH have completely enabled your DD into how she is...so that is both your faults. If l didn't have to do anything at home l wouldn't either!

Send one email to all three in one go. Be factual. State the consultants diagnosis (include an NHS link to the condition), what that that means in a practical sense (whats easier and whats difficult), how you’ve had to change your working hours as a result plus how you have supported them through various difficulties
(Name them - including ops and illnesses) and how you need their support now (list what you need them to job wise). Tell them you are going away for a couple of days so that you can rest and recover. Spend time in a nice hotel with a spa and a good book. Start treating yourself and ha e some well deserved space. A few days without you will allow them to see what effort is needed to keep the house ticking over.

Trying not to generalise here but in my experience nurses have a fabulous work ethic. But because of that they do far too much and people take advantage of them. When they are well they can mow through work and everyone leaves that to them. My dsis ..a nurse..is like this and also a few friends. They are so slow to admit need and go way past the call of duty.
You need to get far stronger with both of them. Leave a list for your dd eg hovering, bathrooms etc. Don't get into discussion with her where she can emotionally play you for money. Just find one sentence eg
l won't be able to give you that. No explanation. You are not doing anything wrong.
Please do not involve ds in this. You are in danger of chasing him away as he will not be wanting to come home to drama.
Make a list of what needs to be done.Sign your name after the tasks you can do. Dh and dd can share the others by writing their name down. If they do not do them ..YOU ARE NOT TO DO THEM. lf its laundry do the bits you need and thats it.

Nothing will change if you don’t stop playing the part of doormat/ martyr in the relationship dynamics with your H and child. There was no earthly reason, beyond repeating a messed up dynamic, to give your not so dear D £120.

If you don’t want to be seen as a skivvy and pushover, stop acting like one. They won’t be happy about the change but that’s their problem, don’t afford them the opportunity of making it yours.

I think spelling out that your money will be saved now, to

1. potentially move to a ground floor flat, as stairs may soon become impossible

2 save up for a private surgery (like Husband) if the pain gets to the point you can't wait for NHS 3 pay a cleaner

So the money for Amsterdam can be counted as Xmas & Birthday, & if DH has a problem with one plate & cup on the counter, he should jog his memory & remember the years he was bed-bound, injured, in pain.

That actually you are a human being, not a machine, that the laundry, if not in a basket by the machine, will not be done. & DD will do her own.
She will not get paid to clean, as she doesn't do it. & will need to grow the fuck up as soon she will be out in the real world where she basically should already be.

Don't give DD any more money, whether she does housework or not. She should be helping out purely because she lives with you and she's a bloody adult. She needs to get a job.

I was a mature student too and I funded my own degree. A lot of people I know worked part time or worked through the summer. At 27 she has no excuse except for being a lazy, spoilt brat, and you are enabling her.

Your DH needs to understand that you're in pain. If he can't deal with that, then clean up after yourself but don't break your back to clean up after him or do his laundry.

I really hope you can get your DS's backing but I think, most importantly, that you need to stand up for yourself and not back down.

Students who live away at uni manage to do all their work and still have to do their domestic chores as well, so her claiming not to have time just doesn't wash (excuse the pun). You really need to all sit down and have a frank discussion about your health, her laziness and lack of financial planning, and your DH's poor attitude. It will help to write everything down before the meeting so you don't get distracted. I can sympathise with your position as I have a selfish adult DD who is currently trying to get us to let her move back in to save money...I can fully imagine ending up being her skivvy if that happened as she and my DH are very close and tend to gang up on me a bit. The one thing you can control starting now is to stop giving her money! If she needs money she can get a part time job, there are plenty of evening jobs she could do, and given that she doesn't currently do any chores she has plenty of time to fit that in.

Your DD doesn't need money from you. What is she doing with her student loan? If she isn't paying rent that money should be sufficient to live off. If it isn't then she needs to get a job. Most students manage to juggle studying and working.

She is also an adult living living in your house so should expected to contribute to the household responsibilities. Same goes for DH.
Stop doing everything for them. Health issues or not this is unacceptable.

Put your Professional Hat on- if one of your patients came to see you with the same health conditions and sityation at home and said to you
"Please - I;m desperate . I cannot function with this day to day......"

What would you do? What advice would you give?
Would you get the family members to sit in the consultation?

You can apply the same tactics to your family, but obviously you're in that situation, not looking in .

I would 100% agree with cleaner/laundry help whether thats family or outside .

Your DD sounds like a very spoiled madam.
What did she do before University ? Did she work?

Hi OP, firstly, I'm sorry you're suffering in silence.🌸
Your daughter is a full grown woman, It really is time she stood on her own two feet, you're not doing her any favours by coddling her, along with your husband. Don't give her anymore money, starting from the New Year, there's no reason why she can't do a couple of bar shifts, or a few hours weekly, in a care home.
Your selfish husband needs a dressing down, sit him down and tell him, how you really feel, and that from now on, everyone, including daughter and her suitcase when she returns, can wash their own clobber, and side their own plates etc..
Cut yourself some slack, be kind to yourself, put your foot down, it's only once to do.No more picking up after other people.
Bite back Lovely, make them sit up and take notice.

If you give DD money on the understanding she does the cleaning, then don’t hand over the cash till it’s done.
I have this arrangement with DS who is 16. He isn’t at college two days a week, so he treats it like a cleaning job. At first I used to give him a list, now he just gets on with it, and he only gets paid when it’s done to a decent standard.
If she won’t do that, stop her money and use it to pay a cleaner who will do it properly.
I have hip and back pain too and am a single parent, so everyone has to pitch in.

Your dd is nearly 30! Stop giving her money and doing things for her! I am so shocked by your attitude towards her, she’s never ever going to grow up unless she’s told to!

At 30 I was a divorced mum to an 8 year old!

You need to start putting yourself first.

Show your DH and your daughter this thread. Let them read the comments in the hope they will feel suitably shamed for they lack of respect and blatant taking you bbfor granted.

I'm so sorry and I really do understand - I am 51 and had a left hip replacement last Sept and the right is scheduled for March. I understand the pain. So here's my thoughts, hope they help.
First of all you need to fight for treatment. What pain relief has your gp got you on? Insist on a referral - your gp should not be deciding you're not ready for a hip replacement and cortisone injections may help particularly with the pain.
Secondly, use a walking aid, it will really help protect your hip. I am still using a crutch, but its for the hip that's still to be done not my new one. Watch you tube for how to use it to get most effect!
Massage also really helps as a lot of discomfort comes from all your muscles knotting up!

It must be hard spending your whole day helping others and not being supported at home in a minimally decent way.
I bet you are waiting for the time they realise what is needed and things get better but it sounds like that time will not come, they do not seem to have that ability.
So it is you who must change and it won’t be easy but you need to sit down and decide what YOU need, the posts above have lots of good ideas. Then put it into practice, be persistent, continue being kind but maybe a bit more firm. Your long term health needs it.
Best of luck, you can do it.

This made me feel so sad. I hope when you’re son comes hope you feel stronger and better able to stick up for yourself. Your daughter could easily be working a part-time job and I certainly wouldn’t be financing her to go to Amsterdam if she can’t be bothered to help out at home. What was she doing before uni? Had she moved out and back in or has she always been at home? If she was previously earning, did she contribute then?

How do you split finances at home? Is your DH working again now? It seems like you’ve
Got into the dynamic of doing everything (and not being appreciated for it). It didn’t sound fair before your hip but now you’re in pain, it is disgraceful that they are still expecting you to do everything.