How do I tell the family I cannot do this anymore?

[AutumnEvenings]

Over the last few years I have developed a painful hip. A visit to the GP recently and an xray has confirmed that I have Osteoarthritis. As I am in my late fifties this is not unusual, but now I cannot even walk round a supermarket without limping heavily. I can still work, but have reduced my hours considerably. My GP has indicated that I am not ready for nhs hip replacement. Private surgery may be an option but costs around 12K.

My DH has had many health problems over the time we have been married. Road accident in twenties, several months off work, bad back which involved months off work on sick leave, knee problems for which we paid for private surgery. He suffered sepsis a few years ago and was off work for two months. During this time I supported him financially when ill, as well as the kids. Until recently I have never been ill and always worked full time.

Yesterday DH had a day out with adult DD, who lives at home aged 27. I was off work and stayed at home. I have worked three long days this week needing to be up at 06.30 hours and not home until 19.00 or 19.45, it is hard with the health problems I have, but do not want to be dependent, so will keep going.

When they arrived home he kicked off and said that he had left the kitchen tidy and I had piled up loads of shit. I counted one mug, one plate and three items of cutlery, plus a yoghurt carton which was washed out and turned up on the draining board to be recycled.

DD is a full-time mature student but has two weeks off from uni. This week alone I have given her £120 from my earnings because she booked a trip to Amsterdam with her BF, unable to afford this so bank of mum required.

DD does no housework as she is always busy with uni work, lives completely free from bills, we have had a massive row because she does nothing to help. DH is resentful because I am no longer able to be the household skivvy he has got used to over the years. LTB is not an option in my current situation. I have tried talking to him, but DH will not listen or engage. DD sides with her Dad, is basically a spoilt B and DS who I have a great relationship with is in London and will not be home until 22 December.

I don't expect advice, as the problems are of my own making, but is anyone else in the same situation?

Salycinammon I think you are being a bit harsh. Whilst I can see that it shouldn't be the son's place to "sort out" his DH and DSis, can you not see that this is a situation where hearing the view of someone else they respect might make them look at things differently?

They are probably used to ignoring and disregarding the problems of the OP (selfish gits) so having someone else come along to say "This situation is really serious. What are we going to do about it? Something must change" might be a wake up call.

Re your hip. A friend has bulging discs in her spine causing immense pain. She's had various treatments but just could not continue. She paid for a private consultation, about £260 and the consultant said surgery, referred for mri and choose and book. Op will be in Jan, paid by nhs. She is so relieved as she would have had to wait a total of 19 months. She avoided MSK triage because she had been around that particular merry go round before but had to keep on top of the referral because it can be so shambolic. I'm an nhs Nurse too.

DumDumgirl82

Thank you for this info, it is one of the things we have been discussing this evening when DH came home from work. He has been speaking to a pharmacist at work today about it. (DH not anything medical, but works with the public).

This pharmacist told him the same thing, he says many people go for the same option and get round the MSK merry go round like this. We have been looking it up online at local private clinics and it seems that it is indeed an option. Thanks so much for your confirmation.

After over 40 years in the NHS, I knew little about private options until my DH had a badly torn cartilege in his knee last year. He had to go off sick and we worked out that by having the surgery privately (borrowed £5k on a bank loan)and getting him back to work quickly it would be paid off in no time rather than be off sick for months on end with loss of earnings and possibly facing the loss of his job if took too long.

We paid for the whole episode of care. I had no idea that it was possible to buck the system and thought that once you went private you were committed to pay for everything.

To be fair, something inside me says this is so unjust to people who just cannot pay. I see them all the time at work and it is grim for many on long waiting lists. To jump an NHS queue by crossing the consultant's palm with silver is not equitable or fair, but very tempting indeed. A private MRI is about £400 I think round here.

A GP at work told me that when MSK started it was fully intended it would be fast turnover triage system. Unfortunately it keeps people waiting even longer, but now also massages the figures on waiting lists for surgery.

I guess if someone started a thread on this, there would be very many different views expressed and many angry posters. Thank you for your input.

You have to look at it that yes you are paying for the initial consultation. The consultant confirms that surgery is indeed the right treatment. At your age you are lower risk ( you might want to address any weight issues to improve your health and recovery time). You have your surgery done in a private facility thereby leaving the general hospital for emergencies. You are home recovering and if you look after yourself well very quickly back at work treating patients and paying taxes. I don't feel this is queue jumping but very sensible and economical. I did it myself when I had to have a hysterectomy. I was back in the saddle looking after patients in 5 weeks. Never taken a day off sick in 10 years other than those.

Thanks Autumn, I hadn't realised that things had changed so much since I had my 2 knee replacements. God knows what will happen when I need them doing again.

it's good that you & H are talking about this together......

OP sorry I left the thread yesterday because I was driving to collect DD2 from university (a round trip of 300 miles) which I could not have even attempted without my new hip.
You are a useful member of society doing a job which helps other people with their health. Surely it would be best to get you fit and well again so that you can continue to do so. Added to that, once your hip is replaced it will last 30-40 years, according to my Consultant.
The other side of the problem is more difficult to solve (children who have not yet left home and do not do their share of housework are difficult to re-educate IMO)
Good luck with your health issues anyway.

What they said ^^

Don't feel guilty for going private - it will get you back to the tax-paying, public-helping normal much sooner.

I too am glad your H is helping you with the health decisions. I hope you can work together to solve your D problem.