How do I tell the family I cannot do this anymore?

[AutumnEvenings]

Over the last few years I have developed a painful hip. A visit to the GP recently and an xray has confirmed that I have Osteoarthritis. As I am in my late fifties this is not unusual, but now I cannot even walk round a supermarket without limping heavily. I can still work, but have reduced my hours considerably. My GP has indicated that I am not ready for nhs hip replacement. Private surgery may be an option but costs around 12K.

My DH has had many health problems over the time we have been married. Road accident in twenties, several months off work, bad back which involved months off work on sick leave, knee problems for which we paid for private surgery. He suffered sepsis a few years ago and was off work for two months. During this time I supported him financially when ill, as well as the kids. Until recently I have never been ill and always worked full time.

Yesterday DH had a day out with adult DD, who lives at home aged 27. I was off work and stayed at home. I have worked three long days this week needing to be up at 06.30 hours and not home until 19.00 or 19.45, it is hard with the health problems I have, but do not want to be dependent, so will keep going.

When they arrived home he kicked off and said that he had left the kitchen tidy and I had piled up loads of shit. I counted one mug, one plate and three items of cutlery, plus a yoghurt carton which was washed out and turned up on the draining board to be recycled.

DD is a full-time mature student but has two weeks off from uni. This week alone I have given her £120 from my earnings because she booked a trip to Amsterdam with her BF, unable to afford this so bank of mum required.

DD does no housework as she is always busy with uni work, lives completely free from bills, we have had a massive row because she does nothing to help. DH is resentful because I am no longer able to be the household skivvy he has got used to over the years. LTB is not an option in my current situation. I have tried talking to him, but DH will not listen or engage. DD sides with her Dad, is basically a spoilt B and DS who I have a great relationship with is in London and will not be home until 22 December.

I don't expect advice, as the problems are of my own making, but is anyone else in the same situation?

Make a list of chores. Put your name next to those you're able and willing to do. Give the list to your DH. He can do the rest himself or split them with DD.

DD does chores in return for board and lodging. She doesn't get extra cash on top. If she wants it, she finds a way to earn it (evening /weekend job? How full-on is the course?).

Agree with everyone else. A serious talk with DD and DH separately. Explain to both that serious pain means that things have to change. Tell DD she won’t be getting any more hand outs as you are saving for private surgery and more treats for yourself as life is miserable. Ask her honestly what she thinks she ought to be contributing both financially and practically.
Remind your husband of everything you have supported him through and tell him it’s payback time. Tell him the worm is turning: if he complains about stuff in the house just say yes, I felt like that every time I looked after you but I didn’t go on about it, then leave the room.

Agree, stop paying daughter until she does the work, and remind DH everything you have done for him.. Ask for help, often others can just not see what needs doing.

When my son comes home for Xmas, I will ask him to help me negotiate a better solution.

You know that isn’t normal right?

Why are you giving your 27 year old DD any money at all? Don’t give her a penny more, and start charging her rent. Then you can use that money for a cleaner.

Your DH sounds horrible, I’m so sorry he is so unsupportive I would keep trying to get through to him and explain why you can no longer do what you used to

Your DD is 27. I was married and had my first child at this age. Stop bank rolling her. She doesn't need your money she needs to grow up and learn to budget. Start charging her rent as well even if it's a nominal amount.
Write your DH a letter if you can't talk to him. Tell him how much pun you are in and that you need help. He's being an arse and needs to step up and support you now.

Stop doing this stuff for them. Make them wash their own stuff. My DS is 9 years old and has to put one wash on a week, feed the animals, clean the bathroom and polish and hoover the lounge. If he doesn't want to then I tell him I won't be taking him anywhere, that we both live in the house and it has to be cleaned etc and that we are a team. Your daughter has plenty of time to help out. I did a nursing degree and worked 3-4 nights a week.

Stop funding her and make her do some chores she's bloody old enough and if my 9 year can do it so can she. I can't believe you've allowed them to treat you like this. They are being so disrespectful and uncaring.

If your DD wants holidays she should be working. All your family should be helping with household chores. You need to make some changes.

To put into perspective, I had a part time job from 14 onwards and did household chores too

Financially- apply for PIP & ask the GP to refer you to MSK clinic?

This is so tough OP

I’m afraid I agree with PP - you really do need to stand up for yourself and make it crystal clear you’re physically unable to run around after everyone. Your DD needs a list of household chores to be getting on with. When I was in my late teens, my jobs were cleaning bathrooms, changing sheets, emptying dishwasher and the ironing. I wasn’t particularly happy about it at the time, but now I have a family and home of my own I’m glad my mum laid down those rules - it was good training! I don’t think you’re necessarily doing your DD any favours if she has no responsibilities, if you know what I mean. Your DH should be backing you to the hilt as well. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your son having a calm word with them both if need be.

I hope things improve for you soon. Be kind to yourself, and use the money you’re giving your daughter to make your life easier. Your need is greater than hers.

OP this isn't your own making.
You may have put up with it for too long but it's them that are selfish, lazy arseholes. That's all them, not you. You didn't make them that way. You're son isn't like that and I assume he was bought up but he same environment.

I'm glad you're getting your son to help.

Something needs to change, in an ideal world your DH would leave and DD would move out (seriously she's awful, disrespectful and takes the absolute piss out of you - not OK). And you would live and rest on your own.
I realise this isn't an option for you though as you said upthread.

Do you still love your husband?

I'm currently in counselling with my DH and wow it's opened both our eyes to a few things and we are only two sessions in! We are both able to see things in a way that we weren't able to before and has really opened our eyes.
Could this be an option? Or is your DH to bloody minded to consider something like this?

"When my son comes home for Xmas, I will ask him to help me negotiate a better solution."

What the hell??

I can't imagine living with such nasty people.

I do just about everything around the house (don't go out to work), but when I had to take it easy recently-no problem.

Wash basket moved next to washing machine, anything not in it wasn't washed.

Whatever I couldn't do, someone else had to.

It was a question of the more I could rest, the quicker I would get better.

Mumsnet sin alert: I haven't RTFT. Your situation sounds really difficult, and I agree with others that it's time for you yo look after yourself. It's clear you understand that you are where you are because you have been caring for others, and those others have got used to that. Of course they don't want to change, they have it easy right now! SO forcing change on them will be hard.

What struck me was you saying that you will ask your son, when home, to help you stand up to your DH and DD. Again, I understand that you need his moral support, but that risks 2 of you against the other 2, and he's going to go back to London after Christmas and leave you to it. If you can, I think this is a battle you need to win for you, on your own. I'm not saying LTB, but finding a calm time to tell DH and DD that you are no longer slave to their needs seems essential to me.

I would actually throw the upstairs laundry bin out. Everyone is an adult and needs to pitch in to do the washing, it all needs to come downstairs and everyone needs to take a turn.

OP - you do sound incredibly passive. You don't want to give DD money, but do. You get shouted at by DH. You want your son to come home to stand up for you.

Maybe do some 'assertiveness' courses? If you don't want to give DD money, don't. no one can make you. If DH shouts at you, walk away, or LTB.

Don't get ds to fight your battles - it will drive a wedge between him and his sister, and between him and his dad, and put enormous pressure on the son to look after the mother.

You do not need to wait until your ds is home to discuss this with him. He understands the people involved and is best placed to help you work something out. Call him this weekend.

Out of interest why didn't you clean up after your meal?

I honestly despair of this place.

OP this sounds like a very confused and difficult family dynamic. Can you arrange counselling for yourself to look at the impact of this on you and really consider your options? A PP has said 'do this, this and this' which is what needs to happen but also not quite that simple in a long-standing situation. But it sounds like you need to make changes and stop being such a willing participant in being treated so badly.

Get your daughter told OP. I'm also 27, moved out at 19 into my own place - managed to keep it spotless whilst studying etc and paid for it all. She's taking the piss frankly, a grown woman should have some self respect and be doing 1/3 of the housework. I live near my mum and help her out - she's a similar age to you and has Rheumatoid arthritis so struggles and FWIW I also have RA so I can't always do it on top of my own house. Stop giving her money and if she won't do the work she needs to pay "housekeeping".

As for your husband, he should be doing his fair share too. Give him a kick up the ass.

Stop being a doormat.

What chocatoo says, absolutely.
I’m a bit of a tidy freak, but even I can’t see the point of washing a few dishes. I think OH would have seen the fiery side of me if he’d made a comment about that after he’d been out gallivanting for the day

"I told DD if she would not help at home, I would get a cleaning service, but on top of the money I am giving her"

Would it be better if your daughter got a job outside the home (instead of you giving her money) and from that she paid you a moderate rent, which used to get a cleaner.

Also sit down with your husband and daughter and draw up a household chores rota. Do it today.

I also agree with AmyDowdens, your daughter should be a) paying her way to live in the house and b) doing her share of the chores without payment.

She's living free, not lifting a finger to help... and taking money off you at the same time. What use is she going to be when she eventually moves out? She's at home at your behest as well as your husbands and she's not entitled to be there. If she carries on behaving like a brat then she should leave and find out for herself what real world living is like.

Your husband (not DH) is being a bit of a twat. Mine is a nuisance sometimes (as am I) but he is never, ever unkind. Your is disrespectful to you, unkind to you in your illness and disability and then sides with your daughter against you. I know you said you can't LTB and I understand why. Does he do anything for you? Cooking, cleaning, washing? The very least that he should be doing is backing up his wife and I'm sure he would expect the same from you if the situation were reversed.

Could you afford the house without him? Would you be prepared to move to a smaller home just for you with a guest room for daughter/son to visit?

You are totally enabling those around you by playing the martyr. Your DD is an adult behaving like a child because you let her.
Do not give her money! Get yourself a cleaner. Also do NOT ask your DS to help you find solutions! He is not your partner. Your health condition isn't going to get better, so you need to plan your days accordingly.
If your family can't be bothered to help you, then leave!

Cut to the point

hip OA- reduced walking pain when sitting, pain at night waking you up etc - you are ready for a hip replacement nhs or private or anywhere in the world.

YOur right under the patients charter to see who you want where you want - use choose and book find the earliest appointment that you can travel to and get a hip replacement

Suggestion, you don't need to wait for your son. Make some new year resolutions/changes for the family. Your DD could help with the hoovering, cleaning. Allocate chores to everyone. DD gets part time job, stop giving her money. Why is she living at home for free ?