How do I tell the family I cannot do this anymore?

[AutumnEvenings]

Over the last few years I have developed a painful hip. A visit to the GP recently and an xray has confirmed that I have Osteoarthritis. As I am in my late fifties this is not unusual, but now I cannot even walk round a supermarket without limping heavily. I can still work, but have reduced my hours considerably. My GP has indicated that I am not ready for nhs hip replacement. Private surgery may be an option but costs around 12K.

My DH has had many health problems over the time we have been married. Road accident in twenties, several months off work, bad back which involved months off work on sick leave, knee problems for which we paid for private surgery. He suffered sepsis a few years ago and was off work for two months. During this time I supported him financially when ill, as well as the kids. Until recently I have never been ill and always worked full time.

Yesterday DH had a day out with adult DD, who lives at home aged 27. I was off work and stayed at home. I have worked three long days this week needing to be up at 06.30 hours and not home until 19.00 or 19.45, it is hard with the health problems I have, but do not want to be dependent, so will keep going.

When they arrived home he kicked off and said that he had left the kitchen tidy and I had piled up loads of shit. I counted one mug, one plate and three items of cutlery, plus a yoghurt carton which was washed out and turned up on the draining board to be recycled.

DD is a full-time mature student but has two weeks off from uni. This week alone I have given her £120 from my earnings because she booked a trip to Amsterdam with her BF, unable to afford this so bank of mum required.

DD does no housework as she is always busy with uni work, lives completely free from bills, we have had a massive row because she does nothing to help. DH is resentful because I am no longer able to be the household skivvy he has got used to over the years. LTB is not an option in my current situation. I have tried talking to him, but DH will not listen or engage. DD sides with her Dad, is basically a spoilt B and DS who I have a great relationship with is in London and will not be home until 22 December.

I don't expect advice, as the problems are of my own making, but is anyone else in the same situation?

Thank you so much for all the replies. Today I stayed in bed! DH went to work, he works most saturdays, left his breakfast dishes on the side as usual. (not usually an issue, we have a dishwasher and when there is enough to fill it it goes on later in the day).

DD got up and went off out with her BF and will no doubt stay at his tonight, which gives us a breather. His DM is not likely to want her hanging round for long though.

For those who say she should have a job, she does do agency work as a carer. She is doing nursing at Uni and this year has done a dissertation and a number of assignments and exams, as well as working unpaid shifts as a student on placement, it isn't easy for her as was not academically inclined. We agreed to support her living at home from the outset, she has a small student loan, which works out at £53 a week average including a bursary of under 1000 a year but needs to run a car to get to uni placements for unsocial hours. This can involve travelling a long distance as we live in a rural area. She does need the car as uni is 25 miles away, but still cheaper by far to live at home.

The reason I want DS to help when he comes home, is because he works as a legal trainee and at 6 inches taller than his Dad is the best one to reason with him, as he stays calm and takes no nonsense whatsoever.

I have always done the cleaning and DH does most of the ironing, once the laundry is done. It has worked well for the most part, which is probably why we have been married for 36 years.

Now I can no longer do my bit we need to re-negotiate. We have talked about a cleaner in the past, but with giving money to the kids for uni etc in recent years it has not been a priority. My hip has got much worse in the last 6 months, so things have changed quickly and I had asked DD to help with hoovering when she is off, but got little response, hence the blow up yesterday. The house is dirty now and it upsets me rather more than anyone else, they do not even notice.

Ghanagirl

My DS is the only one to speak to DH, there is simply no-one else he would listen to, other than DD who sides with him. They will go to the pub together at Xmas and DS is always calm and reasonable, but forceful, now well used to dealing with clients in his law career. I don't DS to fight my battles but hearing the message from someone else is likely to help.

Your daughter does sound unpleasant and inconsiderate but I can understand why you have been lenient with her considering what she is doing. I’d want to help out my daughter in those circumstances too. It’s tricky, you need to find a way to get through to her that you are not up to looking after her anymore. It’s a tricky situation but one way or another they are going to have to step up.

I can also see why you think having your son around might help.
Hope you feel a bit better after your day in bed.

You get what you settle for Autumn.

So stop settling.

Everyone does their own laundry from now on. Get three separate baskets and only do your own (that includes linens and towels).

There are three adults in the house. Divide the house hold chore into three. Only do your chores.

Cut your daughter off. She’s 27 yo. She shouldn’t be booking holidays she can’t pay for. Use the spare money to pay for a cleaner for your share of the chores only.

There are three adults in the house, everyone cooks two nights a week and you split the costs of a takeaway on the seventh night.

You get what you settle for.
Stop settling.

NB: I bet you hide the pain. Stop doing that.

They won’t change unless you do.
They’ll howl but it won’t matter if you stand your ground.

Slightly off subject, but I think Alexander Technique might help your hip, while you wait for a replacement. A friend of mine has a horrible degenerative disease and told me that the only reason he wasn't already in a wheelchair was thanks to learning Alexander Technique.

No advice from me, others have said it all, but wanted you to know I do feel for you.

DoinItForTheKids

I have looked at the NICE guidelines, however our local CCG along with many others has put new referral criteria into place for all elective surgery. All new referrals are sent via a musculoskeletal (MSK) service, the waiting time here is about 4 months at present. If they request an MRI scan, there is another wait for this. The next stage is to lose weight if BMI not within completely normal range. This takes a several months to assess. Only then might you get a referral to an orthopaedic surgeon, then if he/she agrees you need surgery you are added to a waiting list. Have spoken to others and this is how it is now. A friend ended up taking MST 30 mgs twice a day before she got her hip replacement. She had no kids and she and her husband took early retirement in late fifties. It was still hard for her and I am certainly not entitled to any special treatment when others suffer far more from illnesses such as cancer and MS to name but a few.

I am not enormous but need to lose weight to get into normal BMI range and am on with this, but it may still delay a referral, as getting down to 25 when you cannot exercise much is not easy. Will try VLCD, but hard to stick to and often better results doing it slowly but surely.

It does seem as if GPs are not keen to refer in the first place and yes I have explained that I need to work and have reduced my hours considerably because no longer to spend the required time on my feet. I do drive to work so pain relief is a double whammy. It needs to be used sparingly and GPs are reluctant to allow NSAIDs for more than short periods because of side-effects.

Have to confess that I bought some Feldene melt on holiday in Greece where they sell it over the counter at pharmacies for 4E a packet. I use this with Omeprazole at breakfast time before work and it helps, but would not use it to housework or even dare tell my GP about this.

Doctors are in a difficult position at the moment, as gatekeepers for an NHS which is struggling to provide for everyone. I really find it hard to be pushy and it doesn't always achieve much other than labelling yourself as "that patient".

You need to tell your Dr. that you want to be referred to a consultant about your hip. If he won't do that, see another Dr in the practice.
Tell your husband and daughter things are going to change and mean it, and stop letting them walk all over you.
I have one linen bin in the bathroom where the dirty laundry goes. When I want to do a wash load I use one of those round collapsable baskets from Ikea I think they are for toys possibly, and when I have transferred items into that I just throw it down the stairs to go in the machine. It has scuffed some of the paint off the walls at the bottom of the stairs, but so what! When finished someone else has to carry it upstairs to the drier. It's a system of sorts and works for me.

ozymandiusking

It is no longer possible to insist on a direct referral to an orthopaedic surgeon. There is no way of getting around the MSK service triage, the local CCG has made sure of this, with government support. It would take many months to see an orthopaedic surgeon in our area. I think it about managing waiting lists, it is assumed that people who need joint replacement surgery are more often past retirement age and have nothing better to do than wait around at home.

The irony is that with early treatment I would continue to pay taxes and NI until aged 66 when the state retirement age arrives. The way things are going I may end up being a drain on resources, long before this.

And great idea about chucking IKEA baskets down the stairs.

Re-negotiating terms of household management is tricky and I can understand why you would want to enlist your DS help.
Being in pain is tough - don't be a martyr, tell people, ask for help. If they don't give it, don't do the job yourself and keep asking.

I know of others in similar situations regarding the delay for referrals for joint replacements - it does seem to be a creeping short-sighted development. Don't fall into the trap though of not wanting to push for referral as there are others in worse situations - if you wont stand up for yourself no one else will. As an aside do you have access to occupational health and would they be able to help at all? I'm thinking it would be cheaper for the NHS to pay for a joint replacement than for you to take early retirement on the grounds of ill health. Different pots of money I suppose - you could ask and if you got it you could use some of your lump sum to pay for a private operation and then return to work afterwards. Sometimes you have to re-define the problem, so to speak

With regard to the pain. I have chronic pain. All over body.

I have been through the entire spectrum of pain killers. NICE have a step by step guideline of pain killers. Are you sensitive to medication? Perhaps try to get Amitripline prescribed. It’s an old style anti depressant. I couldn’t take it. But others can.

I used to see a pain management specialist on the nhs. I found him useless btw. But the NICE steps are roughly:

1. TENS machine / codeine.
2. Old style antidepressants eg Amitripline.
3. Pregablin (same family as gabapentin) AVOID BOTH. Research into these drugs is emerging that they are not wonder drugs (this comes from a pain management specialist) Bad withdrawal side effects also.
4. Tramadol
5. Blockers / Morphine / similar heavy duty pain relief (I was advised against using as nasty stuff).

The NHS pain management guy never took me to 4 and I didn’t know about the steps until recently. I signed myself off as he said nothing more could be done.

Now I take otc co codamol (this is 15/200 but you can get up to 30/500 prescribed) alongside ibuprofen as I find this the best NSAID for me. For top up pain I take morphine.

This year I found out about step 4 and 5 as I went to see a pain specialist privately. These are not exactly accurate btw. But gives you some idea. What I was also told by the nurses at hospital is that co codamol and and NSAID combined taken regularly are as effective as morphine. I know NSAIDs trash the stomach though.

Why don’t you try to get some better pain relief? Amitripline can be great if you can take it. However for some the relief isn’t long lasting and the pain returns. But it may give you some months or a ciuokd of years. Codeine is another option. It does constipate as I’m sure you’re aware. Codeine by itself as a top up relief made me suicidally depressed btw interestingly. Fine as a combi pill. I recognised it immediately and was pragmatic “I know it’s the drugs but I still want to die. Obvs I’m not going to act on this.”

The reason I want DS to help when he comes home, is because he works as a legal trainee and at 6 inches taller than his Dad is the best one to reason with him, as he stays calm and takes no nonsense whatsoever.

Are you scared of your husband's behaviour sometimes?

I have early onset osteoarthritis in my hip too so I really sympathise! It's really exhausting when the pain is bad.
I haven't found any painkillers that help unfortunately, but I'm lucky enough to have a great doctor who recommended various things which seem to help, including regular cycling which keeps the hip mobile and helps the blood flow in the joint. A cheap static bike is enough. You don't want to be straining up hills or on high resistance programmes.
Omega 3 and glucosamine supplements also seem to make a difference.
Strength building exercises to build up core muscles.

Lastly I'm not in the uk but I was offered a treatment which surprisingly has helped a lot recently: I had an infiltration of hyaluronic acid into the hip joint, done under X-ray. (It cost about 350 euros. ) I was sceptical at first as I didn't feel much improvement but a couple of months after the treatment it seems to have made a huge difference to pain levels. It's not a permanent solution but I feel it's given me back some quality of life!

The other thing is the weather. When it's blindingly hot the pain is much less bad. (Maybe they should send us arthritis sufferers to the Caribbean?!)

I broke my femur in 2013, then had three years of trouble and pain on the NHS. No-one listened to me when I said I was in constant pain.NHS sent me to musculo-skeletal team who were worse than useless.
I was feeling suicidal with the pain/feeling unable to walk safely.
Went to see a Consultant privately and had an X-ray.
He diagnosed arthritic hip! That arthritis had developed in two years and I had not realised it developed so quickly. It was not present on the x-ray when I broke my hip originally,
Get yourself an appointment privately. Then get the op on NHS.

OP you've miscalculated here. DD isn't coming to Bank of Mum and Dad for extras after not doing housework.

DD is withdrawing from Bank of Mum and Dad daily! You are paying her rent, her utilities, providing free TV (she's not paying towards the license or any cable package), I'm guessing internet too? Home contents insurance? Whether you do that willingly or not, these are all things you're paying on her behalf. I'd add it up. These are all things she'd need to pay for AND do housework if she was flat-sharing!

So add it up and keep it in mind when she asks for money for "extras".

I'd sit her and DH down, tell them your pain situation, have a list of household tasks that need doing, with your name next to a maximum of 1/3 but only what you can EASILY do. It's their choice to listen or not. You choose not to suffer so they can have a cushy life. Whatever your name is not against, simply don't do. Don't budge on it. Don't try to convince your DH - and don't feel sorry for him for not being able to cook or whatever other "issue" he'll have. Don't enter tiring arguments about it. Your sole goal is to take care of yourself, because nobody else is.

I was so so sorry for your situation when I read this yesterday OP I genuinely was.However from your update can I ask why you bothered posting for advice? Your update is so full of reasons why not ..Why you can;t ask your daughter..Why you cant ask your husband ..Why you need your son to sort out your domestic issues...It really is pathetic.I cannot believe a grown woman would put her son in charge of sorting out her home life....It beggars belief that you need him to have a basic conversation with his dad and sister cos you can't...Really OP? Talk about divide and conquer ....I feel embarrassed for you for the way you are using your son and the predicament you are putting him in...I give in I really do ....No child ,,adult or otherwise should be put in the position to sort out their parents cleaning rota or disfunctional marriage ...I am amazed that you think this is a wise course of action to take putting him in charge and making him side with you against his sister and father on what is a common everyday issue which is so easily sorted...You say HI husband HI daughter I need some help here ..please from now on can you pull your fingers out a bit cos I am struggling thank you ...end of ...But putting your son up to fight a non existant corner and have him lay down the rules of the house is downright obscene,,that poor lad doesnt even live there....and if I was your husband and my child grown up or otherwise tried to dictate to me how things should be would not react kindly..infact the shit storm that followed would be awful and you are initiating all this....you are being totally and utterly unreasonable and very unwise to use your son like this.Absolutely ridiculous....

Op - I have to agree in part with Sallycinnamon.

INstead of telling your husband and daughter to take their laundry downstairs to the washing machine, you are agreeing with ideas on how YOU can still empty the washing basket at the TOP of the stairs - No!

Just get the feckless wasters (and no, I don't give a flying fuck about their work or their studies - they live in a home that they want services from, you work too, they can fucking well pull their fingers out and do a bit fucking more to help you!!) to take their own bastard washing downstairs! AND to then take it back up again when it's done!

I have a bad back/hip, luckily not arthritic yet and I find loading and unloading the washing machine quite difficult at times - so perhaps you should "train" your DD in the art of using a machine? Might make a difference to her whenever she eventually DOES move out, or were you planning on doing her laundry forever?

I'm sorry, you're obviously having a hard time but you are also allowing a lot of it to go unchallenged - you must woman up and DEAL with this before you make your own situation so much worse that you actively cannot do it at all.

Ask for MSK referral. It might be a few months but at least you’ll be on the list. Keep trying to lose weight as that will speed hip replacement and reduce pain. There are things (as you know) to reduce pain such as pressure relieving cushions when you sit.
Ask for proper pain management in the interim. A referral to the acute pain team, if necessary.
Throw the laundry basket away. But three laundry bags. Each person being responsible for putting stuff in there and placing by the washing machine (or even doing their own washing). Pay a cleaner not your daughter.
She 27, doing a degree; that doesn’t stop her being an adult and taking responsibility for herself. She’s not going to be a very good nurse if she doesn’t even see her own mother needs help. Yes it’s financially hard but then you don’t book holidays you can’t afford.
The most worrying bit is that you sound scared of your husband. It might help to talk to someone about that. It’s not fair to put your son in the position of arbitrator. Certainly not because he’s a few inches taller! Consider an assertiveness course.

Mumsnet is a great resource especially as a place to release your inner angst. *Posters have no obligation to act on advice given.

In her opening post OP clearly stated she wasn't expecting advice but was wondering if there may be others in a similar situation. It's unsupportive [and somewhat manipulative] to strongly criticise someone who is doing their best to deal with difficult cirumstances. People don't always do what you want them to do. What you might do is not right for everyone.

It's clear OP is warm, sensitive and honest with a realistic view and also has the capability and strength to achieve a good resolution to this situation when ready to do so.

It might be that you feel you cannot speak to your husband without 'losing it' due to bottled up anger.
That has been my situation. DH is unempathetic (not exactly his fault or deliberate but how he is) and you have to remind yourself constantly that he is being lazy and unhelpful because he doesn't not see your point of view (and life is easier if someone else does the graft). Which is all well and good but I find I have to have a big fall out every so often as I avoid telling him what I expect as I would get an angry pa silence. if this is the scenario, and it sounds like DD treats you simlarly, you have to man up and take him on. In no uncertain terms tell him what is wrong and that you are not happy with it. Who cares if he thinks you are a nag or whatever, get your life sorted out. Dragging DS into it is making you into a difficult problem for your DS and I would think will mean he avoids you in latter years, when he has his own family, as why should he have fall outs with his dad cos his DM is a wooss and doesn't know what she wants in life, or if she does but can't put it into words.
I would just get signed off if I was you and take time at home for gentle exercise and nice healthy food, (not housework), stop martyring yourself.

In the mean time, take a photo of the shit that Husband has left. & show him. (or is this a pathetic deliberate stunt, to get his own back,) or better still leave it for his return,
I would say, "this is how you left the kitchen today", so you have no right to call me out on one cup, one plate, when I am debilitating pain.
We need to rethink this bullying problem, I can clearly not pick up everything, as I am in pain, remember what it was like for you. We need to work together

I am shocked that your daughter isn’t using the reflective practice she is being taught on her nursing degree to contemplate how her actions at home are affecting you. She will be aware of the pain and needs of someone with your condition too and sadly she is choosing to ignore that.

She does need to sign onto the bank for shifts when she has quieter times with coursework and often her placement area can offer extra shifts via that so she won’t need to learn new areas. The NMC require nurses to doncirca 2300 placement hours which together with Uni work is tough but doesn’t totally preclude paid work and housework.

She also needs to be more conscious of cleanliness as a basic for infection control and so no excuses for that at home!

I would also say she needs to learn to budget as when she qualifies she’ll have at least a year on a band 5 preceptorship before being able to work at band 6 and the pay isn’t great.....

Hope it works out for you soon x

Why can’t your dd get a part time job?
I think you should be kind you yourself, get a cleaner and use the money you give your dd to pay for it. She’s 27 now and needs to find a balance between studying and real life. Giving her money to fund her socialising isn’t going to teach her to stand on her own two feet in the long run.
Your dh needs a reality check, you’ve supported him all these years and now it’s his time to support you.

Your dd needs to get herself a part time job. How do you think other mature students - many of them with their own mortgages and dc - manage?

OP, I am sorry you are having a bad time but you need to be an adult. It is up to you to set boundaries; it is not your son's responsibility to do so. If you rely on him do what you need to do all that will happen when he returns to university is that the situation will return to its status quo.