How do I tell the family I cannot do this anymore?

[AutumnEvenings]

Over the last few years I have developed a painful hip. A visit to the GP recently and an xray has confirmed that I have Osteoarthritis. As I am in my late fifties this is not unusual, but now I cannot even walk round a supermarket without limping heavily. I can still work, but have reduced my hours considerably. My GP has indicated that I am not ready for nhs hip replacement. Private surgery may be an option but costs around 12K.

My DH has had many health problems over the time we have been married. Road accident in twenties, several months off work, bad back which involved months off work on sick leave, knee problems for which we paid for private surgery. He suffered sepsis a few years ago and was off work for two months. During this time I supported him financially when ill, as well as the kids. Until recently I have never been ill and always worked full time.

Yesterday DH had a day out with adult DD, who lives at home aged 27. I was off work and stayed at home. I have worked three long days this week needing to be up at 06.30 hours and not home until 19.00 or 19.45, it is hard with the health problems I have, but do not want to be dependent, so will keep going.

When they arrived home he kicked off and said that he had left the kitchen tidy and I had piled up loads of shit. I counted one mug, one plate and three items of cutlery, plus a yoghurt carton which was washed out and turned up on the draining board to be recycled.

DD is a full-time mature student but has two weeks off from uni. This week alone I have given her £120 from my earnings because she booked a trip to Amsterdam with her BF, unable to afford this so bank of mum required.

DD does no housework as she is always busy with uni work, lives completely free from bills, we have had a massive row because she does nothing to help. DH is resentful because I am no longer able to be the household skivvy he has got used to over the years. LTB is not an option in my current situation. I have tried talking to him, but DH will not listen or engage. DD sides with her Dad, is basically a spoilt B and DS who I have a great relationship with is in London and will not be home until 22 December.

I don't expect advice, as the problems are of my own making, but is anyone else in the same situation?

I think you should go on strike and stop doing any housework. Your lazy daughter can step up. There is no way she doesn’t have time to do some housework. Same with your husband. Then longer term you can charge dd £400 per month which is still nothing for rent, bills, food and that can finance a cleaner and possibly a few nice things that make life easier/more pleasant for you. DD still does her own laundry and has a few other tasks as well. Dh also contributes. But going on strike will make them understand what you do presently and how easy they have it. Hope things improve for you, they should be ashamed!

I have to agree that you need to cut off the money supply to your DD.
She's not upholding her side of the bargain, so now she needs to learn the hard way - you need to pay someone to help clean, she won't do it, so she gets no money.

Can't say it's likely your DH is going to change - he sounds like a selfish sod, tbh. He's been happy enough to take your help through all his health issues, but has no ability to repay the favour? Selfish arse.

Cut back even more on what you do - tell him that you can't physically do it, and if he wants it to be tidier then he needs to help out more. He may, or may not, respond to that - but if he doesn't, then he'll just have to put up with a house that's less tidy. Tough!

It is hard to push back but you need to.
Washing not done, ‘sorry, I can’t walk down the stairs with the basket any more’.
DD asks for money, ‘ I can’t do that as I need to pay for cleaners as you don’t do that’
‘Why is .... not done, or ready’. Reply ‘ I am in too much pain/ too tired to do that any more’.
Mine used to give me ‘ I can’t cook tonight as I am going out’. I responded with, ‘well who have you switched with?’ The assumption was I would just do it instead. By pushing back, nights got swapped with others rather than me doing it all.

I also agree with taking away the washing bin at the top of the stairs. Put it downstairs next to the washing machine and tell them anything not in it doesn't get washed. If they can't be arsed to walk their laundry downstairs, then you can't be arsed to fetch it and wash it. ALso, don't take it back up for them either.

I imagine even if OP were to cut her daughter off, the ‘D’H would just go behind her back and give her money anyway.

While your DD is clearly an issue, DH sounds like the bigger issue here. Abusive and controlling. This issue needs to be sorted before anything else would fall into place.

Could you try and get through to your daughter?

Op you need to look after yourself. Your hip won’t repair itself but it could get worse. My friends mum had the exact same problem and my friend took over the house hold duties until her mum had both hips replaced. That was when we were at school!
The advice to imagine yourself as a patient is great. Should you that X amount of time up yourself. An hour a day? A day a week? I honestly don’t know what would help. In that time you have to be 100% selfish and do what will help your health, be it lying down, swimming, eating biscuits.
Also I assume the Amsterdam money is your dd Christmas. Just going to add to the chorus of at 27 I had a full time job and a toddler and managed fine.
Your DH I don’t know. He sounds horrid. I’ve got it easy I think, when I’m premenstral DH runs about after me so I can’t imagine what to do. You’ve looked after him often enough so he knows what it looks like.
Definitely total strike is a place to start. Can you go and stay with someone else for a bit? You don’t need to air all your dirty laundry but if a mate of mine needed a week in the spare room I wouldn’t ask too many questions and it might prove your point.
I really feel for you, I saw my friends mum hobbling about the place and it just looked sore.

Dear OP, your osteoarthritis and hip issues are one matter, the family are another although whilst it's them you write about, it's more to do with you. Other PPs have covered that off very well - with all the love in the world, you're being a doormat and only you can change that situation and I really hope that you do.

If you check out the NICE Guidance for this condition vis-a-vis management of it without surgery it shows that you should be receiving a. regular reviews by your GP and b. comprehensive pain management. If you're not receiving these go back to the GP and say you are in considerable pain, you've had to reduce your working hours, you cannot do housework, and if you've had to make adjustments whilst at work mention that too, and if you're able to drive or not (if you're a driver). I'm sure that a lot of the decision-making around when you might be referred for surgery such as joint re-surfacing will be based on how it's affecting your life - and it's already affecting your life not just in continual pain but also in typical life, home, work activities so you may need to be a bit more assertive at the GP and tell them all the things you cannot do, how much pain you're in etc.

However, what you shouldn't be doing is having treatment and then using your new found reduced pain situation to continue your current situation which is allowing yourself to be treated as a doormat because that is what you're doing. As I have found out (sadly) meek and mild doesn't always cut it in this world; YOU are responsible for how people treat you (you are) - take their shit and feel crap about it and make yourself ill over it (is a choice), or tell them to fuck off and grow up and take care of YOU (is a choice). That's the choice you have to make, and alongside this further investigate the health side of things so you can be out of pain better than you are now . Wish you all the best OP.

Sorry for your pain OP. Your DD is 27 which is old enough to have too much pride to be asking you for money. I worked 3 part time jobs at uni to fund whatever I needed and to avoid asking my parents for money... this was at 18!! She's 27 which is way too old for you and your husband to continue infantilising her. She's living rent free so where does her student maintenance loan go? Why doesn't she have a part time job (which will help her job prospects after uni depending on her course).

While you can't control her actions, you can control your response. I would say no more money... you need to stop that expectation. And charge her rent... even if it is less than market rate. People generally have more respect for things they pay for, so pychologically this might also help her to step up around the house.

Finally in terms of cleaning, stop cleaning up after her. Gather her things in a basket each day (including dirty pots And dishes) and put them in her room. Use the money you've saved from no longer funding your daughter's lifestyle (or the money you gain from her rent) to hire a weekly cleaner.

I think you'll find even those little things will have an immediate effect on your mental and physical wellbeing. Also, stop the narrative in your head that your daughter is a 'spoilt b' while your son is the good one... she probably is aware that you feel that way which won't help your relationship. She's just acting how she's been trained but you need to rebalance the expectation.

Your daughter is being unkind. FFS you're in pain, you work long days and she should tidy up and try to help you. Sorry, it's made me mad. Some people don't know how good they have it (not you).

• rota for housework including DD & DH
• stop financing your DD
• get your hip replaced - you'll be as good as new within 6 months

Well said ID.

Gosh OP that sounds rough. Sorry about your osteoarthritis.

You definitely need to stop clearing up after everyone else. Your DDs behavior is atrocious.

What happens if you just stop doing cleaning and what happens if you just stop giving your daughter money?

I definitely wouldn’t be doing their laundry.

Sadly, this needs a Mexican stand off approach.
Stop subsidising your daughter's lifestyle. She can't have what she can't pay for and the money is needed elsewhere.
Remind your husband of all the support he has had during his illnesses and explain that you need some reciprocal assistance now you are unwell long term. That's what life partner's do.
This includes bringing the basket down, dusting, hoovering etc as you both live there and floors do not discriminate based on who's shoes are on them. If he wants to divide this between his daughter and himself, fine. Here us a list of things that need doing every week/day/month.
Point out what you will be doing moving forwards.
If that doesn't satisfy, he and dd can pay a cleaner. No longer your problem.
If dd wants money, you say no. No. No. She can ask her father to dig into his account or say no.
Change is a bastard when people get used to one person doing the grunt.
When you get your operation, don't revert back. It is about time they mucked in and it is long overdue.
Petty mess is down to the messer. However, I am sure you have picked up after others so it is not a big deal. They can add a sock to the washing, pick up a dropped tissue or rinse a few random dishes without drama.
They are selfish. Time for a reality check.

Firstly sit your daughter down she’s 27 and it’s time for her to stop being so effing useless. Plenty of people live away from home at university, paying rent, paying bills buying food, cleaning and cooking. If she can’t do this whilst studying how is she hoping to do this whilst working and having a family. It sounds like my 6 year old contributes more. Tell her from now on she will be paying a contribution to household bills, how she earns that money is up to her,she is a fully grown adult.

Your husband needs a good kick. Tell him he’s had it too bloody good for too many years, it’s time for payback. Tell him and Dd you have established a rota for all household chores. You will not be picking up the slack and it’s not open to negotiation. Have a hotel booked for the several days after you tell them this. Leave them to go and get yourself pampered for a few days. Do not pick up the phone. They can have some time to stew in their own juices. At the moment you are not a valued member of this family, time to remind them how valuable you are.

I think those are all very good suggestiond Deadbudgie.

OP you sound really unhappy. Constant pain isn't easy to live with, and you've devoted years of your life to looking after others.... who won't help you when the tables are turned.

I went through a health scare earlier this year... thought it was a heart attack but I've got Tietze's syndrome which makes certain tasks around the house really tough. I get a lot of pain which makes me tense and irritable. And my DH and 2 adult DDs are fuck all help... I've spent years enabling them to be lazy and entitled around the house. So bit by bit I've dropped back what I'm doing for them.... without fuss, shouting or drama and if they don't do it themselves it doesn't get done. And there are things I've had to accept to let go. If I don't do it , it doesn't get done ..... and things don't get done, the only difference is my attitude towards it. I hope you can make changes

This is appalling OP
must stand up for yourself
you must

also, Does husband usually put you down ?
surely one mug, one plate and three items of cutlery, plus a yoghurt carton which was washed out and turned up on the draining board to be recycled is a minimal "mess"
It's possible this is just the tip of the problem

Start by not giving DD money she should be paying rent.
Hire a cleaner with the money she gives you if not ask her to leave and use the money you save for cleaner.

And get someone to talk to your DH

Can you ask to see an orthopaedic surgeon and ask if depomedrone injection is possible. It might give you some relief until you are ready for the replacement. Your husband can manage to do the washing up as he said he had cleaned up and was mad at you so he can do some tidying and not let you be the skivvy. . Tell him a few pots after your lunch is acceptable seeing as you’re the one doing the twelve hour shifts to fund his and your daughters lifestyles he can shut his hole . He’s being an arse.

It is not very often mumsnet is in total agreement OP...Might be hard for you to hear but we are all with you on this and we are all saying the same...we can;t all be wrong!!!

Absolutely!

Is your husband working OP?

If not, surely you could afford to leave?