AIBU if DH wants another child but I don't

[morethanaword]

Myself and DH have been married for five years now, we are both 30. We already have a DS aged three who goes to nursery and both DH and I work full time earning good money and have agreed that we want to either relocate abroad or travel for a while as our son is still young.

DH and I met at university and we've never been the type to want a huge family, we discussed plans that we would keep things small. I come from a big family and I feel like I could never handle another child but lately DH and I have been arguing as he's very keen to have another child, discusses wanting a daughter and even asked his mum to have a chat with me.

This began about two years ago when our son turned one, DH was very keen to conceive and try for another child but due to work stress, we decided to put it on hold. However, I do not want another child, but as DH's family is small, he wants to keep our family as a good size. We never argue about other stuff except having another child and I'm not sure how to go about this.

I just feel very bad but I just can't handle another child, I love our son and my career is going great and I feel like being pregnant and having another kid will be stressful considering I suffered with PND with our son.

Has he met someone else? Someone who wants children with him?

I'm sorry to hear this op. If the conversation went as you described it sounds manipulative and designed to shock. Was there any plans made about your son?

Not good. Might it be for the best? Maybe his urge to have more kids was stronger than you thought. You and your son will make a strong little family. Good luck. Be strong, for you are stronger than you think.

. That sounds really tough. .

That sounds tough but it may just be an emotional overreaction on his part on being pulled up on the other behavior. Other than putting his ring down and saying it's over what's his next plan, who moves out, what about your existing child.

Have some in the meantime and an unmumsnetty hug

I think I'm okay but it'll take a while for it to affect me. I've been with him since second year university so eleven years. He was my first and only boyfriend and later husband and now he changes, leaves me alone.

When he said it, he just left. No eye contact. My son walked in and I just hugged him so hard, my son will grow up to be a loving caring man who treats his partner with love and respect. Maybe he is cheating on me. Maybe he has another child somewhere. How do I even find out.

We paid half and half for this house, who even gets the house? I don't even want to stay here.

Thank you all for your caring messages. I was too naïve to see his true colours.

Sorry OP, how devastated you must feel but how strong you are x

I am so sorry that this was his reaction. Was he feeling guilty for not understanding your PND?

I hope your parents will be there to support and love you and your ds now.

So sorry OP, what a terrible shock.

Quite an about turn. Quite dramatic too. Like somebody who's trying to shock you into begging them to come back and promising to do whatever they want to make them happy.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

When he said it, he just left. No eye contact.

That's not acceptable. He just walked out?One of two things are happening here. He means it, which makes the second baby thing even more disturbing, or it is a further attempt to control and manipulate. It's quite common for abusers to threaten to end their relationship when they are losing control.

Within a week he's gone from wanting a baby to dramatically claiming it's over. You're not dealing with a stable person here. Stay strong op.

I think he has set this up nicely. When you don't run after him I think he will backtrack. Of course he didn't want a divorce! He thought it was what you wanted! Or what would be best for you because you deserve so much better.

I think you need to start getting mad about his shit. He sat there letting you make his dinner, the cheeky fucker.

No normal person would do that, and they definitely wouldn't have done it around a toddler. Did he even say bye to your son?

I might be wrong, but this feels like another emotional tactic to get you to do what he wants. I think he’s expecting you to go after him, beg him to change his mind and to offer him what he wants. I wouldn’t be in the slightest bit surprised if he comes back, if you don’t run after him, asking you to try again.

Wow.
He sure threw a strope.
Don't give in.

Yes he said bye to our son but made it not seem like something big happened for the sake of DS.

Surprise surprise his mum rang saying her poor son is distraught that I've broke off the marriage. I don't even know who is the instigator is anymore and I don't know why this senile woman is getting between my marriage. I'm a broken woman and my son is my priority but it seems like the world is against me. My mother told me to forget about my husband and stay with her. I think I'll do that as I can't cope anymore.

Am I the only one who is slightly concerned that your marriage seems to have gone tits up since you started getting advice on this thread. The contraception things was awful, however he has apologised, had therapy and you forgave him and moved on from what I understood. Not in any way condoning it by the way.
I just don’t think we have enough knowledge of your full relationship to advise you on your marriage based on a few events within the structure of an 11 year marriage that you have documented above. What do your friends think of the situation. Do your friends like him?
If you both love each other, why are you giving up on your marriage? Would you not go back to counselling? You’re adamant you don’t want a second child yet it appears upthread that that is something he can come to terms with.
Perhaps I am missing something entirely but it seems you’re both willing to throw away your marriage without exploring together with the help of therapy whether you can make it work.
In the same way you’ve had people upthread tell you to LTB, I actually think he sounds no better or worse than any other man (again based on a few very limited sound bites); aside from the contraception swapping which was a misguided way of trying to have another baby which he has subsequently recognised as very wrong.

I suppose it depends on whether of you think your marriage is worth fighting for. But ultimately if you love each other, I don’t know why you wouldn’t both try to do all you can to save your marriage.

But he ended it, not you?

@AhhhhThatsBass You are right, it has gone downhill since I've posted on here, our five year marriage has almost vanished and I think its because of the worldwind of emotions that we've both let out. My friends don't know most of the situations, they knew what he did but a few months after as a friend of mine suffered DV at the time. They said to try therapy, which we did.

I think its gone very fast as this is the first proper time in years me and OH have been honest with each other, I've been firm with him but all he's done is just cry in my face and not tell me the real reason why he wants kids so badly. I don't want to give up on our marriage but he's chosen to, didn't even let me have a word and just left.

@GummyGoddess, yes he ended it, although for the past few days and months should I say, she's been discussing me having more kids, and tries to worm herself in. It would be easier to blame me as I'm the one refusing to carry another child of his.

In a round about way this thread has ended your marriage. [As it is now]
The wonderful posters here gave you the kick up the bum and the courage to say " NO"

His leaving as he did, Not even giving you the chance to give your thoughts on this. - More maniplulations

He wants you to chase him. Do anything to keep him.

Massive ((((((((Madd Soft Hugs))))))) Be strong. Be True to Yourself.
🌺🌼🌸

I'm another who thinks he's wanting you to chase him and beg for him to come back.

Something seems very wrong about you being separated from your newborn so young. Did he manipulate the situation?
Seriously most new mums of a week old babies struggle, your body is still recovering, your lacking in sleep, a newborn who's still a bit wtf just happened.

Was there any MW or HV, SS advice mother and baby unit support to try and get you reunited? I am no expert but I can't imagine that separation would help you the PND or the baby.

@EdtheBear Yes my MW said to take small steps and to see how well my DS would respond to me holding and feeding him. This was done weekly, I mentioned popping back to see my son weekly as my community care team and nurses agreed that any more contact hours wasn't good in the beginning.

My husband's opinion was that I try to live with him and DS in the beginning but it became apparent that I couldn't cope and mentally I became distorted with reality. When DS approached four months, I started to cope better and when he reached nearly six months I moved back in with the care of nurses to make sure I and DS were safe.

I don't know enough about it but i (uneducated) would have thought that once per week maybe wasn't enough to encourage the mother baby bond.

But if thats the advice you were given and it worked for you then so be it. Just as long as he didnt force the situation

@EdtheBear

No I think you’re right, it’s not enough I feel anyway but it’s something I couldn’t argue against at the time. I’ve always said that if I had another child I’d worry in terms of looking after it, we went through a lot with DS and so to go through the same with another child would be hard.