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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU if DH wants another child but I don't

245 replies

morethanaword · 08/12/2018 02:11

Myself and DH have been married for five years now, we are both 30. We already have a DS aged three who goes to nursery and both DH and I work full time earning good money and have agreed that we want to either relocate abroad or travel for a while as our son is still young.

DH and I met at university and we've never been the type to want a huge family, we discussed plans that we would keep things small. I come from a big family and I feel like I could never handle another child but lately DH and I have been arguing as he's very keen to have another child, discusses wanting a daughter and even asked his mum to have a chat with me.

This began about two years ago when our son turned one, DH was very keen to conceive and try for another child but due to work stress, we decided to put it on hold. However, I do not want another child, but as DH's family is small, he wants to keep our family as a good size. We never argue about other stuff except having another child and I'm not sure how to go about this.

I just feel very bad but I just can't handle another child, I love our son and my career is going great and I feel like being pregnant and having another kid will be stressful considering I suffered with PND with our son.

OP posts:
Original poster
morethanaword · 10/12/2018 10:15

I don’t think my mother truly understands that with today’s busy lifestyle, it’s perfectly normal for me to have a choice not to have children. She’s not pushy pushy but I really don’t know what goes inside her head.

Regarding DH - for the first time since Friday he has contacted me. He asked if we could meet this week or next but I’ve told him I’m not ready. He’s very insistful in taking our son for the weekend but do I want my son to go with him while neither I or DH are together or figured out what we want?

OP posts:
FestiveNut · 10/12/2018 11:22

You don't have to let your son to go to him for the weekend yet, you can wait until custody arrangements have been set up. I've often thought it unfair that dads get the fun times--the weekends - and mums get the Monday to Friday slog. Be careful of setting a precedent that he gets weekends. I would let him have Sunday if you've got no concerns about his ability as a father, but it's up to you. You don't have to do anything.

Eilaianne · 10/12/2018 11:46

but he did once swap my birth control pill for a vitamin tablet that looked very similar in the hopes I'd conceive but it didn't work out thankfully.

Haven't read the entire thread yet because Jesus christ, this bit shocked me. i'd move out and start divorce immediately if my DH ever did this. This is really not on.

sprouts21 · 10/12/2018 12:43

I really don't agree that your husband puts your son first. If his plan had worked your son would have been a little tot with a pregnant upset mum, or he might have had a newborn sibling with a very ill mum. You need to consider how this would have affected your very small son because I can't see any benefits for him. Can you?

Could you afford childcare for two children? Your husband has shown zero consideration for you and zero consideration for your son. It's simply about what he wants. He is actually putting your son at risk of a divorce with his selfish behaviour. You, on the other hand, have tolerated an awful lot because you don't want that for your son.

Was the decision to have your son a mutual one op?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/12/2018 14:48

One thing all posters are agreed on, OP, is that you shouldn't have another child now (if ever) with your DH.

One thing that's also jumping out at me is how involved your families (parents) seem to be in your private business! DH and I have never had this, as we've moved around for job opportunities, but they seem overly involved in your lives.

Decisions re. having children and raising them are ultimately yours and your DH's private business and responsibility. It's nothing to do with his Mum, your Mum and Dad, or anyone else.

I personally think he needs to come back from his Mum's so you can sort things out as a couple,whatever the outcome. Running to Mum when things get tough isn't helping, he's got to face up to what he's done and see how you can both move forward (together or apart).

This is your relationship, talk to each other.

Not having anywhere to go when things got tough has actually strengthened my relationship - we had to come home and face each other...or pay for a hotel room...and we're both too stingy to do that. Smile

Nixen · 10/12/2018 14:55

He swapped out your birth control?! You do realise that’s abuse right? LTB

sprouts21 · 10/12/2018 15:28

People do not develop abusive controlling traits overnight. It's unlikely your husband has been a respectful decent partner and woke up one day with a personality transplant. It's more likely he's been disrespectful and controlling for years but you didn't notice because it didn't matter. Maybe he insists on brown bread instead of white. No biggie, it's only bread. Maybe it's become habit that you watch his choice of tv, no biggie, there wasn't much on anyway. Maybe you end up spending more time than you would like with his family or going to bed at the same time.

Controlling men often get away with lots because the things they start controlling are minor and not really important. I don't believe that this is the first time he has pressured you and not listened to you. I think you are somewhat accepting of it because it's not new.

Original poster
morethanaword · 10/12/2018 15:35

We could afford childcare for two children but I've always loved the idea of having one as it meant we both didn't have to sacrifice too many working hours and I don't think myself mentally would cope with two.

My mother is very keen on my private business as she thinks that as my father left her and me and my siblings at a young age and later returned, and as she coped by herself, that somehow I need the support she never got.

I asked DH to come round today as I think we need another chat properly.

Regarding him being controlling, apart from the birth control incident and wanting another child, I'd say he's been fine, we live very independent lives despite being married. If we go on holiday, it's always a joint decision, same with us buying our house. We do spend more time with my family however as his family is quite small and so he always wants to be with my side rather than his.

OP posts:
Momzilla82 · 10/12/2018 15:37

I'm on the other side of the aisle in this scenario in my own marriage. I'd love a 3rd, but my husband is done. It has caused me deep sadness to accept this, but I would never think that I had any rights to force him to expand our family against his will, even without having to carry the child and take the career hit. Your body, your choice. A child should be a joint decision.

Original poster
morethanaword · 10/12/2018 15:42

Hi @Momzilla82 did you and your DH ever discuss having more kids like was he adamant that he didn't want more?

OP posts:
Momzilla82 · 10/12/2018 15:52

It was always a maybe for more than 2, a sort of we'll see how we get on, that became a firmer no after the second was born. I think partly as I had a very scary 2nd birth, for him. It's been over 4 years and he's pretty sure he's sure. I've just sold the cot and the pram and all the baby things. There's a sort of family joke that if he changes his mind now it'll be a very expensive replacement pram and cot. Above all, I hugely value my marriage and I love and respect my husband. I wouldn't want to push him into something he doesn't want to do.

StormTreader · 10/12/2018 16:10

It sounds like maybe he's very broody for more kids, it's not only women that can have that deep desire for more children.

That doesn't mean he gets to force them on you though, but might mean that the best thing for him is for you to separate so he can find a new partner who does want more. If he's so broody that it drove him to swap out pills then this may be what he chooses.

Original poster
morethanaword · 10/12/2018 17:10

@Momzilla82 he sounds like a very loving husband who respected your boundaries.

DH has agreed to come to talk later on round our house at 6pm. I think I'll let him speak first and see what he has to say but I am so dreading it.

As to splitting up so he can find a new partner, I'll have to inform you guys after we talk as I think today's the day we fully decide what we want.

OP posts:
Bunnymumma · 10/12/2018 17:18

Good luck OP. You can do this!x

AnotherEmma · 10/12/2018 17:22

Good luck.

RandomMess · 10/12/2018 18:30

Thinking of you ThanksThanksThanksThanks

FestiveNut · 10/12/2018 18:33

Good luck, OP. Remember, it should ultimately be the one who doesn't want kids who gets the final say.

Momzilla82 · 10/12/2018 18:40

Good luck. Mutual respect. For me it came down to what mattered more, a wish for a theoretical extra child I wasn't guaranteed to conceive or carry to term, or my existing family. We've had friends who've had stillbirths later on, so very aware things aren't guaranteed. I'll always see an empty seat at the family table and I think there'll always be someone missing for me. But I'm starting to make peace with that. Slowly.

Original poster
morethanaword · 10/12/2018 18:54

@Momzilla82 you're very strong, I suffered a MC at 24, it really does affect you.

OP posts:
Fuglywitch · 10/12/2018 18:58

Your body, your choice. That's very bad swapping your contraceptive. If a woman did it, she would be accused of trapping. Maybe you would happier waiting till your son is, about 10. some people cope with 2 kids but far apart. Plus as people have said, no guarantee of a girl next time. My sis had 5 sons in pursuit of a girl. Ultimately it's your happiness that's at the centre of this. Don't let him bully you into this. It's obviously you that has the hard work etc of another kid. Good luck.

Original poster
morethanaword · 10/12/2018 19:00

We've spoken.

DH did most of the talking. He said that he feels as if another child would be hard on us, he loves our son to pieces and although would love to complete our family with another child, realises that with my PND, it won’t be fair for me to possibly endure it again. It just seems so soon from how he was just last week.

I asked him, (although we’ve completed therapy for this) why he messed with my pills.

“I realise I was stupid and careless, I only did it because some guys online did it to their girlfriends but it was wrong, it's unethical and abusive and I'm sorry."

I was firm with him, telling him he needs to shape up for our son and to be my equal half.

He told me he loved me, I made him dinner but he told me it was over. Just put his ring down on the table and told me that we'll always be there for each other but I deserve better.

I'm numb. Our five year marriage is over. I never expected to not be the one to end it. I don't know if he's granted me freedom or a new experience of the unknown.

I guess I finally know his Christmas present to me then.

OP posts:
Fuglywitch · 10/12/2018 19:02

Also with one kid, you can do so much more. traveling, spoiling, kids clubs etc. They can have the best of everything. Costs are so much more, the more you have. Plus multiple kids argue etc lol

Belindabauer · 10/12/2018 19:04

I think it's different for men and women.
Women are generally the ones who are lumbered with all the crap such as sorting out time off work if the child is ill etc etc. Not to mention it is the woman who has to ensure difficult painful lavour , pregnancy and unflattering changes to get body.
I think it is down to you op.
I remember meeting a woman who had a very large age gap between her dc. She was a single parent after her dh left her not long after she gave birth to the child he wanted and pushed for when she was perfectly happy to stay at one child.

FestiveNut · 10/12/2018 19:05

Oh, OP. Unmumsnetty hugs. Flowers Are you OK?

AnotherEmma · 10/12/2018 19:06

He said it was over? You deserve better? Did he give any more reason than that?

Must be such a shock for you Flowers

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