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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
53rdWay · 07/12/2018 15:19

Maybe SHE'S really a spy and she's lying to him, except she's actually a spy from Russia, and he THINKS he's a spy but is in fact working for an organisation of criminal masterminds masquerading as the secret service. And their DD will grow up to be Jennifer Garner and wear a lot of wigs.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 07/12/2018 15:21

I'm sure I read a book recently with this exact plot.

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 15:21

Unfortunately this isn’t a creativity project but I’m sure you wont believe it so I’ll just continue..

He doesn’t have a car, apartment is in her name only. Worth noting she doesn’t have an American accent she’s been here for so long.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 07/12/2018 15:22

notaclue

you can have a fiancé and claim as a single parent legally you know.

if he's there once every three weeks, and doesn't pay the rent, what makes you think he contributes for anything else?

she clearly does find it acceptable as that's what she's been doing for the last 4 years!!

maybe she does know hes got a wife, but shes massively in denial.

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 15:23

Seeing as this is taking a dodgy turn, I will take the advice of pp and just leave it be. She knows I’m here for her and that’s the important thing, it can only go on so long.

Thank you guys for all your help.

OP posts:
HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 15:23

Wow he gets to these important government buildings via public transport?

Twickerhun · 07/12/2018 15:24

Please do the reverse image thing!

Twickerhun · 07/12/2018 15:24

Vauxhall has great public transport networks.

theWarOnPeace · 07/12/2018 15:26

Mystery I don’t know how you can stand to listen to the absolute bullshit. Your friend is being really taken for a ride here. Pisses me off also when women are forced into a position where they have to struggle and claim benefits because a perfectly capable man isn’t held to account for their child. She actually sleeps with this man when he drops in? I just can’t fathom in what world this is happening.

christmaschristmaschristmas · 07/12/2018 15:26

Poor woman. Married with another woman and family IMO.

If you work for the 'government' you actually have to disclose all of your close relationships to the vetting team. Completely implausible if she has never been vetted.

Boswelland · 07/12/2018 15:26

Howls, that's how most civil servants get to work. Parking is notoriously scarce in London.

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 07/12/2018 15:26

Married.

Fashionista101 · 07/12/2018 15:26

Can't you follow him @MysteryManchild wig the lot 😂👏 I'd be dying to know. Well I am. Hell, I'll follow him!

theWarOnPeace · 07/12/2018 15:27

Oh and don’t worry about it OP, he doesn’t actually work for the government so nothing crazy is going to happen!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/12/2018 15:27

Well he's definitely lying.

There is no way he's a spy. He is not working seven days a week and even spys get a holiday.

I agree with what other PP's say. I've also known someone who has worked for the government and as a close family member I was checked out too. Spy's are allowed families.

Others have given you very good examples of people they know in government or themselves and not one of them have backed this up.

OP, I think what you have to figure out is whether your friend knows he's not a spy and trying to save face or if she really is that stupid.

I've got no doubt he's lying, it's whether she is.

If she is and she does know, I would question my friendship because I could never trust her again.

sollyfromsurrey · 07/12/2018 15:29

I guess she won't go looking as she doesn't want to even imagine that there is any other reality than the one she has created. If she was at any stage wanting to know, a cursory rummage through his wallet would no doubt disclose all manner of information. I doubt he has gone as far as set up bank accounts etc in a false name. There is not much you can do when someone chooses to delude themselves other than be there when the truth finally can't be ignored. I hope he is paying for his child.

dippledorus · 07/12/2018 15:29

Your friend knows and is kidding herself as much as the rest of you.

Silly woman.

DonaldDucksTowel · 07/12/2018 15:33

Erm ... my DP has to do an overnight shift in another city one weekend a month and now I’m worried he’s actually engaged to OPs friend 🙈

Angelf1sh · 07/12/2018 15:35

Your friend doesn’t really believe any of that. She very aware that the whole thing is a pack of lies and that he’s married. She’s just pretending she believes it because she doesn’t want to be the kind of person so desperate for a relationship that they’ll put up with being treated like shit.

She’s either made up the whole thing herself to cover up the fact that she’s knowingly a married man’s fuck buddy, or else she’s lying to herself that she believes it because it is more comforting for her.

Nobody is stupid enough to seriously believe this story is true.

19lottie82 · 07/12/2018 15:37

She knows, even if she’s in denial.
I don’t think speaking to her about it would do any good. She’s prob just brush you off at best, or even get angry with you.

Poor woman though, wasting her life on this creep. And her poor DD.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 07/12/2018 15:37

So if a person had a sibling who was, say, a really vile bitch and that sibling worked at (say) GCHQ doing some sort of secret-squirrel work, is there anything specific that the sibling could do (and not be arrested for) that would cause problems for the sibling?
Asking for a friend. (Purely for daydreaming purposes, but they will be very vivid daydreams!).

Fashionista101 · 07/12/2018 15:39

@DonaldDucksTowel 😂😂😂😂

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 07/12/2018 15:44

I have no idea who is making what up, but I do know that people in vulnerable positions often have a really amazing ability to bend reality in order to make themselves feel more secure.

There isn't much that can be done to make her see the truth (assuming she doesn't know) because her emotional investment is in believing him and preserving what she sees as her family unit. Until either he slips up badly or the situation becomes so extreme as to be ridiculous, nothing will convince her. Any proof would just drive her away from what little support she has.

In the book I read recently (written by someone who claims this actually happened to her) the man borrowed a huge amount of money from the woman. I hope at least that this woman won't suffer financially because of her poor judgement, because her child would also suffer.

CloudPop · 07/12/2018 15:45

@53rdWay I think you've nailed it. Damn! I should have spotted that myself.

ChickaaaaannDipppaaaaassss · 07/12/2018 15:45

Easy to put this to bed I reckon.

  1. reverse image search on Google
  2. Google the shit out of his name, jumble his middle names up just in case and even ''Joe Bloggs spy'' - Might have form for this shit like most Walting types do
  3. Sign up to ancestry.com and put in his name and DOB - might find a marriage cert or his parents' names - Use info gathered to look on SM.
  4. Get in touch with a Walter Mitty group (one massive one on f/b) and ask if they've heard of him. If he's Walted it up as military they'll be VERY interested and may help regardless.

Job ruddy jobbed.