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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
boringlyboring · 07/12/2018 15:09

Why is she claiming as a single parent?

I mean, of course in reality she is, but if she genuinely views them as a couple, living togther, and he’s just away for work, I don’t get why she would claim to be a single parent?

I think she’s bullshitting you as much as he her. She knows she’s OM, he’s promising to leave his other family but just wants to ‘get through this Christmas’ every year, and it works for her to officially be a single parent until then.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/12/2018 15:10

Janes bond, mission impossible guy, Jason bourne etc always has a holiday at the end of each of his missions. They're always sailing off to the sunset with their latest chick.

Notacluethisxmas · 07/12/2018 15:11

Hardly, as she pays all the rent and he doesn't seem to live there.

Notnoaying rent doesn't mean he pays nothing. Surely someone's fiance would still be contributing too all the bills.

I do believe for a second a woman finds it acceptable to live on benefits as a single parents, cover all the bills, food etc while she has a 'fiance'.

This woman's knows......of intact this man is more a fuck buddy and she is pretending it's more.

JorahsMistress · 07/12/2018 15:11

Your friend is either incredibly naive or as a pp have said, knows full well he's married with another family elsewhere and is coming out with this story to save face

Either way its not going to end well & the person whos going to get hurt the most is her dd 😞

Notacluethisxmas · 07/12/2018 15:11

I do not believe

grincheux · 07/12/2018 15:11

If he worked in something requiring DV clearance, she would've been interviewed as part of it. It all sounds like rubbish. What a sad situation for her and his wife or whatever it is he's hiding.

OhComeOnRon · 07/12/2018 15:11

I cant understand how you haven't followed him when he leaves yet.
What a bizarre story!

boringlyboring · 07/12/2018 15:11

....She knows she’s OW not man!

0hT00dles · 07/12/2018 15:11

Definitely has another family. She’s obviously just blind to it or knows deep down.

My BIL’s partner works for the government and as extended family, even though they’re not married, we know we’ve been checked out by the government as it’s part and parcel for the job.

Your poor friend. Just be there for her when it all comes out

BumbleBeee69 · 07/12/2018 15:12

ok I've thought about this, I agree with everyone thinking she knows he's married and just accepts it. Grin

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 15:12

They did date but he has always travelled this extensively. I feel like I’ve already posted too much info worried about it coming back on me..

OP posts:
SummerGems · 07/12/2018 15:12

Right, on the basis that this is presumably a creative writing exercise, since there’s no way it can possibly be true, but let’s help you write your book OP.

All the pieces need to fit together. So while it appears that she is living in the UK legally, as part of the story he has said to her that he can’t disclose her to his employers because of the fact she’s American. This would need someone to then challenge this assertion on the basis that Americans are not seen as a threat to our security, and that if they were, the disclosure would have to happen because if it were discovered that he was in a relationship with someone who was considered a threat to national security (and working for a covert government organisation this would be discovered) he would be putting his own job at risk.

My eXH had a family member who did some IT work for a government organisation, and even going in as an outsider his credentials and those of his family had to be checked, including. E.g.me who was merely a member of married in family iyswim.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 07/12/2018 15:13

Could it be that she's the one making all this bullshit up? As she seems to have an answer for all your questions?

Hogtini · 07/12/2018 15:14

Have you googled his name, looked for him on linkedin? 192.com? All sounds very fishy!!

Underpressureidiot · 07/12/2018 15:14

Do you have his full name? Where does he claim to live most of the time? Could you do an electoral search? Tbh I would be tempted to hire a PI but I’m a nosey cow

SerenDippitty · 07/12/2018 15:14

Married, or an undercover police officer.....

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 15:14

Thread removed in 3.. 2.. 1

Grin
IWasTrendingThereForAMinute · 07/12/2018 15:15

When you see him OP does he have a car? Where is the car number plate registered to I wonder? That would be a dead giveaway.

Is there the teeniest possibility of getting a cheap and cheerful tracking device stowed in his car? I know you are afraid of repercussions but he could have a dozen women on the go and your friend is at risk of STDs and allsorts : (

boringlyboring · 07/12/2018 15:16

Oh fuckin hell he’s Boswell isn’t he?

DontCallMeCharlotte · 07/12/2018 15:16

Right, on the basis that this is presumably a creative writing exercise, since there’s no way it can possibly be true, but let’s help you write your book OP.

All the pieces need to fit together. So while it appears that she is living in the UK legally, as part of the story he has said to her that he can’t disclose her to his employers because of the fact she’s American.

Yeah. Should have made her Russian, Chinese or possibly Irish.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 15:17

Undercover police officers try to act normal... had the delight of outing one personally and it was done very quickly via a reverse photo search.

flumpybear · 07/12/2018 15:17

Poor woman is being hoodwinked! I very much doubt spies in MI6 would work literally all the time they need time to chill out too lol and doubt he'd be u/c that long either - he's married and she's a sorry soul

flumpybear · 07/12/2018 15:18

@boringlyboring 😆😆😆😆😆😆

ladycarlotta · 07/12/2018 15:18

A family member of mine was that man. Had a child with another woman whilst also being married with grown-up kids. I always wondered how he managed it, but I guess this is how.

In our situation, it all came out when she contacted some of his relatives on LinkedIn, ostensibly in a 'hi there, you've probably heard all about me!' way. I suspect she'd got to the point where she was subconsciously questioning the situation even if she hadn't quite accepted it, and needed to find out what was what. I doubt your friend will be receptive to anything you say until she's ready to figure this shit out for herself.

eddielizzard · 07/12/2018 15:19

Sounds married. And I'll bet she has an inkling but can't face it.

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