AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

[MysteryManchild]

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

• he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
• literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
• she’s never met friends or family
• he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
• says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
• claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
• doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
• apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

Erm ... my DP has to do an overnight shift in another city one weekend a month and now I’m worried he’s actually engaged to OPs friend 🙈

Which City?

@DonaldDucksTowel oh don’t worry, he NEVER comes on a weekend, only ever week day 😂

He's a spy without a car?!!!!! He's not going to be much use, is he?

She's financially suffering, never mind anything else. She must have been crazy having a baby with him, with a lifestyle like that.

What you need to do is to see his bank card. That would tell you who he was.

Even if he is as shagworthy as Daniel Craig she is sadly deluding herself.

He obviously doesn't care about her or their child- he just does what he wants to satisfy his own ego and appetites.

One day, as others have said - he will just disappear. She won't have a clue whether he is alive of dead (chances are he will be alive, but replaced her with another naive little "wifey") and she will never be able to move on emotionally because she will jump every time the phone rings or someone comes to the door, or someone who looks similar walks past her in the street.

I really don't know what I'd do in your place - except be there for her when the crunch comes. But it might be tomorrow, or it might be in20 years time - how can you guarantee that your own life won't have changed enormously?

@MysteryManchild omg I'd have to get a private investigating just to know for myself

Please tell me at the very least he is extremely gorgeous and charismatic??

Yes. I have a job “in government”. I am allowed to tell immediate family what I do. They have to know about immediate family because there is a chance they may be at risk if someone decides that i am responsible for whatever the government has done and threaten me or my family. For the same reasons I have to be very open about my finances for bribery reasons.*

DH works in a similar role - not in government but in a nationally important, safety critical industry. Along the same level of importance/risk as nuclear power stations, but not. When he started, he was fully security vetted. That included searches on me, and on his parents' background too.

It's totally implausible that on one hand you've got someone going around claiming to be a spy, yet on the other the government don't know about a long term partner who's a foreign national.

@AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen he really isn’t 😳 like I said, he gives me the creeps. Looks way older than my friends said he is. Probably the stress from working 24/7 🙄

Get her to watch Eastenders, they’ve got a storyline along these lines at the moment.

@changedname10 did you change your name in case he really is a spy and goes around murdering all those who have commented? 😂

Sorry if someone's already suggested this because I haven't read all the posts, but can't you Google image him and see what comes up xx

Actually if this is real I’d bet that it’s the friend who’s lying and not the bloke.

The reason why she cuts people off when they question it is so that she can be sure they never expose her lies to him. I mean as a married man it’s one thing to have the family know you’ve got a wife and children at home, it’s quite another to have them believe that you’ve concocted a story about being a spy and not being able to tell the family about your partner which would likely lead the family/friends to believe you were some kind of scammer.

So yeah. My guess is she knows and she’s the liar. And not an innocent victim deserving of anything let alone sympathy.

Numerous people have suggested a reverse google image search - have you done this yet? Does she have any pictures of them together on her FB?

I remember my relative having a boyfriend like this, he pretended he was a paratrooper made up all sorts of stories. All a load of rubbish 😂

Married or James Bond.

Where did she meet him if he is that busy???

If you have his name and DOB you can do a birth certificate lookup on one of the family census/ family tree sites

If he's older, there is freeBMD

If he's James Bond she should dump him anyway and get herself down to the sexual health clinic ASAP.

Phew I’m safe

Even if it was entirely true which it clearly isn't, it's hardly the basis of a good relationship is it. Does she get upset and frustrated about the situation? Is she actually prepared to live this way until when, retirement? Forever? It's so sad (presuming she actually believes this).

How did your friend meet him? Have you checked any dating websites to see if he’s there?

I would ignore the whole is he lying/isn't he angle with her, as it clearly won't get you anywhere.

What I'd comment on is how much better she could do - there are so many ways in which he's a lousy partner! In fact, it's hard to think of one way he's a good partner...

Honestly, something very similar (in terms of the "secret job" lies) happened to someone I know. She eventually, totally coincidentally, saw a photo on Facebook of him marrying someone else. (He was genuinely not on FB, and somehow hadn't realised that could happen.)

People are very strange. But also, usually, not actually evil geniuses. Their stories aren't convincing enough!

Dating sites are full of these fantasists.