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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 14:57

I have no idea about the child maintenance thing.

OP posts:
GrandTheftWalrus · 07/12/2018 14:57

He's married and she's a fool.

I have had to pay for accommodation when I was working away from home but it was 10 a night and work paid the other 28 of it.

Not that I believe him at all.

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 14:58

Sorry to be a pain, she’s never actually said that he works for MI5, just the government and that it’s secret. He could be a super secret accountant for all I know?

OP posts:
SnowyPaws5 · 07/12/2018 14:58

Wow. Definitely married/has multiple families.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 14:58

How did they meet OP? Did they ever 'date' ?

flamingofridays · 07/12/2018 14:58

bungalow you don't have to pay child maintenance. OPs friend could apply for it but she thinks shes engaged to this man so lets face it... she wont.

BookwormMe · 07/12/2018 14:58

Haven't RTFT but any partner of a spy would have to be security checked, even more so if they were a foreign national, which your friend is. I think deep down she knows he's married but the spy story is more thrilling than admitting she's been totally played by some chancer.

Is he registered on the child's birth certificate? If so, it would be illegal to use a false name, so you could start doing some online digging to find out who he really is. If you were really bold, you or her family could approach M16 and say you think your friend is being tricked by a man impersonating a spy - they would take a really dim view and he'd be caught out. But that really would be the nuclear option!

Feefeetrixabelle · 07/12/2018 14:59

I don’t even know where to start with this.

I think you need to prove who he is really. Do you know his full name/date of birth/is his accent local?

Notacluethisxmas · 07/12/2018 14:59

He doesn’t pay rent, she pays it and is classed as a single mum in terms of benefits.

So she is commiting benefit fraud?

nomorearsingmermaids · 07/12/2018 15:01

So she is commiting benefit fraud?

Hardly, as she pays all the rent and he doesn't seem to live there.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 07/12/2018 15:01

*MysteryManchild

Sorry to be a pain, she’s never actually said that he works for MI5, just the government and that it’s secret. He could be a super secret accountant for all I know?*

If it's government, it's all civil service and all the same. MI6 are secret intelligence service, it doesn't get much more secret, and they still have civil service pay scales and annual leave allocation!

theWarOnPeace · 07/12/2018 15:01

Right. This is bullshit.

I have x2 friends working in government, no I don’t know exactly what they do because they’re not allowed to bloody tell me. They do get sent off places, definitely all expenses paid - because they love it and tell me that part. They also have families and social lives, at one point I’ve even hung out with them more than once in three weeks! One of them has, YES, and American partner, who is absolutely not a British citizen. When they were dating, as I was told, it’s fine to just say “I work for the government and cannot disclose the nature of my work”. One they decided on living together, friend had to inform work, and American partner had to give some details and was then only able to be told the job and obviously when they’d be around or not etc but that was it. American partner is not a secret at all, and knows when friend will be away for a couple of weeks or what have you and they stay in contact, albeit not chattering away while friend is working but yes they Skype from hotel rooms etc. They are living well, not rolling in it but certainly have a nice home life and don’t struggle or have to rely on benefits. If your friend can claim benefits then they are resident here and she’s well within her rights to be here. Even if she was still resident in the US she would still not need to be a secret if she was the actual partner.

It’s just such a load of bollocks all of it. She must know, I think surely she’s complicit in this. Surely?? Just delusional, maybe. As you say she had a horrible past, I have some sympathy for her choosing to just lie to herself. I feel sorry for the kid in all this mess.

flamingofridays · 07/12/2018 15:01

well if he doesn't actually live there (because is visiting once every 3 weeks living?!) then I guess she's not?

I am not entirely sure how these things work!

BookwormMe · 07/12/2018 15:01

Sorry, I mean M15 – which actually makes a difference. M15 is British domestic intelligence, meaning he is involved with dealing with threats on home soil, M16 is for stuff abroad. So if he's really M15 he wouldn't need to be away for three weeks at a time!

BlueThesaurusRex · 07/12/2018 15:01

Do you know his name and date of birth? Have a quick search on ancestry uk- might bring up a marriage certificate for him too Smile

StripyDeckchair · 07/12/2018 15:02

Given that he doesn't provide her with any support, she is a single mother and it isn't fraud.

GrandTheftWalrus · 07/12/2018 15:02

She won't be committing fraud as he doesn't live there and doesn't contribute to anything. So even though she is engaged to him she is still living as a single mum.

53rdWay · 07/12/2018 15:03

she’s never actually said that he works for MI5, just the government and that it’s secret

If it’s secret enough to need mysterious disappearances and inquiries into his personal relationships, then he’d have that same level of security vetting. It’s all done centrally.

Unless he’s working for someone else’s government. Has he been expressing any interest in the beautiful spires of Salisbury cathedral recently?

SuchAToDo · 07/12/2018 15:05

He's married or up to something dodgy ...even government workers are allowed to have a relationship, I'm sure their work doesn't forbid them having a partner and introducing that partner to his family...

Op what you should do is if you know what time he leaves her house from his one day visit, get someone to follow him in their car, and see if he can be followed to another house (he has to live somewhere right)...you may even find out that his name is not his real name

Jubarbrhubarb · 07/12/2018 15:05

When you find out he's visiting her, you need to follow him when he leaves and see where he goes (I'm not invested in this at all Grin)

Jubarbrhubarb · 07/12/2018 15:06

Cross post!

1frenchfoodie · 07/12/2018 15:06

He is obviously hiding a wife and probably family. It sounds as though your friend is in denial as the warning flags are so very evident.

Given the depths of her denial debunking some of what she has been told by him probably isn't going to help. But it is very debunkable. As bauble has said above doing a security cleared government job (which goes beyond MI5/6) would require him to be absolutely upfront about any partner, not to hide them. Your friend would have had to provide her parents passport details, cousins addresses and lots of other minute details. People do work for M15/6 without their wider families knowing but they'd have a cover of a different organisation and the security clearance above.

greenritta · 07/12/2018 15:06

Oustide of being delusionnal, could she have a mental illness that facilitates her believing his words?
Maybe she wants to believe, or maybe she doesn't see where all that doesn't add up.

funkylittleboatrace · 07/12/2018 15:07

If this is real then your friend is basically a total dickhead no one would put up with that.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 15:08

You friend needs a sti check, he could be doing this up and down the country to various women

I feel for the child in all this.
Having a stranger pop in once or twice a month ? If it was my best mate she'd be getting a stern talking too, she will screw her childs head up, for what? a monthly shag with a guy who doesn't show any interest in his own child.