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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
SummerGems · 07/12/2018 20:02

But the only reason why these men are able to get away with behaving the way they do is because of the absolute idiots who fall for their bullshit.

I have absolutely no sympathy what so ever for anyone who (allegedly) falls for the line that they’re a spy who can only see them once every three weeks and still has a child with them. But then I don’t believe that the man has concocted this story, especially given the woman cuts off anyone who refuses to buy it. But even if he had, she’s still complicit by going along with it, bringing a child into the situation (no-one in their right mind would even have a child with someone who they knew where they were let alone someone they didn’t)

If she’s been conned for the past four years then she only has herself to blame.

An extended family member’s sister was conned into giving a man £56k who she had never met. Once her money ran out and she ran into debt he disappeared (surprise surprise) meanwhile she’s lost the family home which she previously shared with her husband who is now deceased. Has got into debt to the tune of thousands, and her children have been left with nothing of their father’s because she’s had to sell everything to pay off the debts.

Her (now adult) kids have disowned her.

CharlesChickens · 07/12/2018 20:03

Does he know you op ? I would follow him, or get a male friend to follow him. He probably leave his car at the station, and then gets a train to hers, so would be quite easy to follow him.

ICouldBeSomebodyYouKnow · 07/12/2018 20:04

An otherwise sane, sensible an educated colleague of mine got duped like this, years ago, before the internet.

They got to the point of buying a property - it was meant to be just for her, but they said her salary wasn't enough for the mortgage, so they had to get a joint mortgage. That's when things started to unravel: she found out he was 10(!) years older than he said he was, for a start.
He had claimed to be in the merchant navy, hence his long absences and short stays 'on shore'. Of course, that was a tall tale and he was living just a few miles away, with his wife!

She chucked him, eventually got him to sign the house over to her (think that took a year) and somehow managed to pay the mortgage after all. That was the easy bit: he turned into a stalker. She had to get a restraining order taken out, and eventually had to move away. It was a horrible experience for her, which went on for years.

So, yes, strange as it seems, people can get taken in.

Your poor friend. Not sure what you can do though.

RatRolyPoly · 07/12/2018 20:04

Maybe it's your mate who's lying op and actually she had a baby by a sperm donor and hired a male escort to meet her friends, telling everyone the reason he's not around much is because he's some super secret government agent....

I mean it's just ODD!

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 07/12/2018 20:11

Oooh I would be interested to do some hunting about and Mrs Marple stuff ! I'm off from next Friday for a couple of weeks ... is he due a visit ? I could follow him if you like !

winecigsandchoc · 07/12/2018 20:12

I think the prison parole idea should be given some thought too- it's got to be either that or another family.

The OPs friend must have an inkling of the truth but denial is not just a river in Egypt!

OftenHangry · 07/12/2018 20:15

She must know his story is BS. Nad if she is really that gullible I have serious concerns about safety of her child.

Careofcell44 · 07/12/2018 20:26

OP, you are obviously worried about your friend but you can't force her to see that her bf isn't what he pretends to be.
I'd be furious, friend or not, that you'd posted this and are planning to snoop in her home.
You are far too invested, your role is to be there for the fallout.

MaisyPops · 07/12/2018 20:27

I think she must know she is the other woman but it's easier for her to go along with it.

Does he pay CM?
Is he on the birth certificate?
Is she sure of her daughter's nationality if he isn't registered as her father?

Angrybird345 · 07/12/2018 20:33

Find out when she will see him next then wait and follow him when he leaves.

Mayhemmumma · 07/12/2018 20:37

Don't assume your friend is an idiot. Perhaps it works for her this arrangement

Queenofthedrivensnow · 07/12/2018 20:49

Bet he's married and lives in the next town.

When the child is older this will unravel.

How did she meet him in the first place?

reallyanotherone · 07/12/2018 20:51

Her (now adult) kids have disowned her.

How horrible. Poor woman got scammed and now she has no money her kids don’t want anything to do with her?

My mother was left nearly 1m in property/assets and 40k/year in pensions back in the 90’s when my dad died. 25 years later and it’s all gone, except for the 100k flat she lives in. She just continued living the 100k+ a year lifestyle she had with my dad. My brother and I will inherit nothing. Never occurred to me to disown her. Her money to do with as she chose, and my dad should have made a will if he wanted us to inherit some of it.

thenightsky · 07/12/2018 20:53

Perhaps it works for her this arrangement

Until something happens meaning she cannot pick the DD up from school etc. Suddenly daddy needs to become responsible for his daughter.

newmun · 07/12/2018 21:14

Im reallyninvested in this thread now! I need to know the truth!!!

Angelf1sh · 07/12/2018 21:15

An extended family member’s sister was conned into giving a man £56k who she had never met.

^ Isn’t the extended family member’s sister also an extended family member? That seems like a weird way to describe someone.

LadyFlumpalot · 07/12/2018 21:18

To have even basic SC level security clearance they need to know all about your family. For a "spy" he's going to need Developed Vetting where they don't just need to know about your family, thy want to know the inside leg measurement of your grannies best friends lodger....

Your friend is definitely being taken for a ride.

BorisAndDoris · 07/12/2018 21:29

Is it this guy? Goes by the name of Simon. Real name, Carlos. Boris and Doris want a word with him.
So thrilled my True Lies username is worthy of a post!

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?
MrsPerfect12 · 07/12/2018 21:34

Have you checked linkedin? I know you’ve said not on SM might be worth a shot. Unless he is a secret agent of course then he wouldn’t be on that either 😆😂😂😂

Yoyooyo · 07/12/2018 21:40

Does he go by Ray or Simon?

JustWhatINeededNow · 07/12/2018 21:44

Well I'm now engrossed in Mrs Wilson thanks to this thread

Norfolkenchancemate · 07/12/2018 21:56

@MysteryManchild I would also love to help if you want to pm me the details you do have, my cousin always says I'm like google, texts me names and numbers and I text her back dobs, jobs and addresses within the hour.

Also, my friend works in national security, that's what she's allowed to tell us, I know where her office is and who her friends are and she definitely works in the same place all week!!

SummerGems · 07/12/2018 22:08

How horrible. Poor woman got scammed and now she has no money her kids don’t want anything to do with her? it had nothing to do with money and everything to do with the fact that she pissed away their father’s house, the one they had grown up in by giving the equity to some stranger on the internet. I don’t blame them at all.

And yes, this is an extended family member through marriage (think aun’tie’s dh’s sister) iyswim.

newmun · 07/12/2018 22:11

What iyswim???

BalthazarImpresario · 07/12/2018 22:13

@yoyooyo just what I was thinking.

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