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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
happyclutterchucker · 07/12/2018 22:25

Isn't the extended family member's sister also an extended family member?

You have to draw the line somewhere. I draw it at:

My husband's brother's wife's sister's husband's sister

Weenurse · 07/12/2018 22:35

I am also very interested in this thread, I need the truth!
Yes , it is all about me today 😀

JohnCRaven · 07/12/2018 22:36

My cousin works in a super secret job. No idea what but I know it's top secret. Is that extended family?

GodrestyemerrySchadenfreud · 07/12/2018 22:47

days

The code words:

"You will never find hairs on a duck egg, you will always find hairs on an ape."

Fashionista101 · 07/12/2018 22:56

@HumptyNumptyNooNoo I'll come for moral support

Purplepinkpurple · 07/12/2018 22:56

@mysterymanchild if he does decide to visit and bring a car with him, you can apply to the DVLA to the for registered keepers details. They charge a small fee - £2.50 last I checked. All you have to say is the car is parked on your property or something similar and they will send the address out.

*Release of another vehicle's keeper details

You can obtain the name and address of the registered keeper of a vehicle if you can show reasonable cause for needing the information.

Members of the public will need to complete form V888. Companies can either complete form VQ3 or apply in writing giving full details of the reason for the enquiry and the vehicle registration mark. Both forms are available from DVLA.

The fee for information at a specific date of event is 2.50 per vehicle. If further information is required, for instance, a copy of a document or additional keeper information, a fee of 5 is required per vehicle.

Send your application to: Vehicle Record Enquiries, Vehicle Customer Services, DVLA, Swansea SA99 1AJ.

It is an offence to unlawfully obtain personal data which is contrary to Section 55 of the Data Protection Act 1998. Unlimited fines in the Crown Court (or to a maximum of 5,000 in the Magistrates Court) exist as penalties in respect of these offences*

The above info came from a post on pistonheads which is a car enthusiast forum.

Norfolkenchancemate · 07/12/2018 23:02

@Purplepinkpurple that's not strictly true, you need to reference that you've tried to find the owner on that form, so for instance a crime ref number or evidence of notes left on the windscreen asking them to move it and has to be dated 30 days ago, we tried similar to get the address for a car that robbed some plant equipment and was caught on cctv, the dvla didn't care that we had a crime ref number and that it could have been parked on our land for 60 years.

VerbeenaBeeks · 07/12/2018 23:19

Only read the first few pages so probs moved on, but a spy who lets his fiance tell everyone else that he's a spy?
Sounds like the worst spy ever lol Grin
I

MistressDeeCee · 08/12/2018 00:41

She knows, and wants everyone else to butt out I should think.

BarryTheKestrel · 08/12/2018 05:01

He isn't a bald Geordie with a name beginning with R is he?

This all sounds very familiar.

NameChangeOhNameChange1 · 08/12/2018 05:58

.

RebootYourEngine · 08/12/2018 06:53

I think she knows that he is married but doesn't want to admit it.

Plaiceholder · 08/12/2018 07:00

Is his name Boswell?

BikeRunSki · 08/12/2018 07:02

Havn’t RTFT, but BiL in not a spy, but he is something very high in national security/defence projects; has signed the top level Official Secrets Act. He is married to an American lady!

Plaiceholder · 08/12/2018 07:02

Sorry @boringlyboring, just reached your post. Thought I was the first.

Nitpickpicnic · 08/12/2018 07:04

Buy your friend a Private Investigator’s time for 3 days, as a Xmas present. Her mum will likely chip in. Fuck it, I’d chip in.

It likely won’t take that long to get concrete proof of his true weekly routine. He’s likely so (amazed) and confident at your friend’s blind faith in him that he’s become quite lax.

At worst, the PI will get a tap on the car window by Serious Men in Dark Sunglasses and the mystery will still be solved.

If this were my friend, I’d have followed the douche myself by now. I’d feel I was enabling it all otherwise.

Frustratedmum78 · 08/12/2018 07:14

I would definitely follow him. This has me so curious I’d do it for you!

TheSilentLamb · 08/12/2018 07:19

Another one who would chip in for the PI or do the job myself!

Plaiceholder · 08/12/2018 07:25

@SummerGems In 2010 had to track someone down so hired a PI. It cost £60.

LetBartletBeBartlet · 08/12/2018 08:01

Could you ask for his details (name and phone number) so that you have a way of getting in contact with him should anything ever happen to her?

Even if it's just 'Call MI5 and ask for red Fox', it's not an unreasonable request,borne out of concern for her and her daughter.

HungryForSnacks · 08/12/2018 08:20

OP, I think you need to confront your friend about this.

She's deceiving her child and herself. How's this arrangement going to work when the child gets older and wants to know where daddy is?

If you're all she has, I doubt she'll cut you out of her life. Please talk to her about this.

glamorousgrandmother · 08/12/2018 08:37

*OP, I think you need to confront your friend about this.

She's deceiving her child and herself. How's this arrangement going to work when the child gets older and wants to know where daddy is? *

I understand the OP's concern and I would want to know too but, really, it isn't any of her business. She is not entitled to 'confront' her friend, her friend is entitled to any delusions she chooses.

A lot of children in single parent families do not know where their dad is and have no way of contacting them. She will not be unique in this.

Thehop · 08/12/2018 08:37

The passport thing....

I have dual nationality so I have 2. One in my maiden name as it’s still in date and a new one in my married name.

I suppose if I can do it by accident it’s fairly easy!

silvercuckoo · 08/12/2018 08:39

If anyone is thinking this can't possibly be true, have a Google for 'Robert Hendry-Freegard' very strange, but true.
I read this and I am Shock. His victims also seem to be educated and successful women - a lawyer, a child psychologist, a company director etc. He even persuaded two of them to live together but told one of them that the other does not speak English, and they trusted him and made no effort to communicate!
It is weirder than fiction.

Bluesheep8 · 08/12/2018 08:40

Yes, married. He is living a double life. Can't someone follow him? Or plant a phone that can be tracked in his car?