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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
Theyprobablywill · 07/12/2018 19:14

If anyone is thinking this can't possibly be true, have a Google for 'Robert Hendry-Freegard' very strange, but true.

Cawfee · 07/12/2018 19:15

I’d be tempted to hire a private detective to follow him!

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 19:21

Theyprobablywill That is a crazy case - bonkers! Shock

Underpressureidiot · 07/12/2018 19:24

If he really is working for the government he absolutely has to declare partners. My partner works in defence with a high security clearance and I think if he so much as sneezes they know about it (it’s not a secret what he does obviously otherwise I wouldn’t post, I don’t know details though) This idiot is openly admitting to committing fraud at best, lying at worst really. God this guy just sounds awful, but she really must be wearing rose tinted glasses. Feel for her especially if she’s an abuse survivor but oh gosh I don’t know how you can manage not being honest.

sj257 · 07/12/2018 19:26

I think your friend knows she’s the other woman...

WendyWarthog · 07/12/2018 19:26

As you know OP this is patently bollocks. Nobody who works for the 'government' has to pay for their own accommodation whilst on detached duty. Most government departments use an agency where hotel rooms are booked and billed directly to the department so you don't even need to pay up front and claim it back. And everyone is entitled to annual leave. As it's the law.

I work for the government, not in any secret role but in a fairly senior one where I sometimes have access to sensitive information. None of which would affect national security in any way shape or form! As a result I had to go through security clearance a couple of years ago. It was an absolute pain in the arse to provide all the information, going back years about my family. What pissed me off the most was being asked for the personal details of any blokes who my DM might have been in a relationship with after she was widowed. That would be none!

I really don't know what to suggest. He's obviously a big, fat fibber. There is so much wrong with his story that it beggars belief.

Although... Howabout you drop into the conversation with her that your dear friend - that she doesn't know - is applying to that same same secret department in the New Year and would love any advice he can give him/her. That might just appeal to any narcissitic tendencies he has. And if he refuses then that's just another confirmation that he's a fantasist. I haven't met a civil servant yet who won't willingly help someone else to apply for a job.

SexNotJenga · 07/12/2018 19:27

no one can work 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, except God...

Iirc God takes Sundays off.

I feel sorry for the dd, and sorry for OP's friend. But there's no helping some people, unfortunately. OP has already said that her friend has cut off people whose tried to tell her this bloke is a dodgy fuck.

SherlockHolmes · 07/12/2018 19:31

How about checking on Ancestry to see if he's ever got married? Bit of a long shot, but if his name's unusual it could work? Or check the electoral register?

PS I have an Ancestry account if you want me to check [nosy cow emoji]

Pogmella · 07/12/2018 19:32

SexnotJenga Even Craig David chilled on Sunday!

NewName54321 · 07/12/2018 19:34

She may be the OW, but may not be the only OW. If he visits her in Week 1, he's probably got someone else he visits in Week 2 and Week 3.

Assburgers · 07/12/2018 19:35

While I was reading this an advert for 23 And Me came on 😄

Could you perhaps buy your friend & their child a dna ancestry kit each for Xmas. Might throw up some interesting relatives.

SexNotJenga · 07/12/2018 19:35

Just read the Wikipedia entry on Robert Hendy-Freegard. It appears he has been released from prison. Could it be him, OP?

altiara · 07/12/2018 19:38

Gutted he doesn’t have a car, thought we could put a tracking device on it. Yes, I did say ‘we’, i was overinvested before I even
finished reading the OP. Does he leave the house and catch a bus? Train? I really want to follow him. (What county?)
She must know that no one works every single day, I mean it’s more realistic if he’s home for a while and then away for 6 weeks. Not dropping in every 3 weeks. And the money! Ah, seriously she must know.
Cant believe I read 16 pages and we’ve not tracked him down Xmas Angry

AnneElliott · 07/12/2018 19:39

I agree with everyone else that he's not a spy, and most likely married. If he did have that level of security clearance then keeping her and his DD a secrets would be a sackable offence.

Is your friend satisfied about the nationality of her daughter though? If she is American and not a naturalised Brit Cit then the daughter can only be British via her father - which in previous years meant he had to be married to the mother (however it's a while since I did nationality cases). It's that she should clarify as a matter of urgency I think.

bringbackthestripes · 07/12/2018 19:39

Op if he doesn’t have a car how does he visit? Train/ coach/bus?
Curious. Because I’m assuming he drives and parks somewhere and then gets local transport.
How does he get from her hous when it’s time to go? Could you nip in your car and follow, see what he does and take a photo?

Deadbudgie · 07/12/2018 19:45

Can you get a small tracker off amazon and slip it into his coat pocket? Or maybe give your friend a present to give him for Christmas )obviously with some sort of tracker in it)

thenightsky · 07/12/2018 19:48

What if something happens to your friend and her DD needs her next of kin to take over her care? Is daddy on the birth certificate? Would he take over her care or just disappear, leaving her to what? What an awful, awful man.

CanuckBC · 07/12/2018 19:50

I am so curious now! I would want to find out more.

I feel for her. She is either being intentionally ignorant and not wanting to know or she has swallowed his story hook line and sinker.

Either way, I would want to find out to protect my friend. She has been separated from family and friends due to this dickhead. It’s time for someone outside to investigate and learn the truth.

WendyWarthog · 07/12/2018 19:52

So home - as she thinks of it - isn't his home. If it was he would have no choice but to declare the relationship as she will be on the council tax register. If he isn't on the council tax register then it isn't his home. Where is he actually registered?

Civil servants are not exempt from council tax. Even if he is a spy - not a chance - he will be registered in his own name somewhere. Again, if he is a spy he will have a different identity that he works through.

There is absolutely nothing stopping him from reporting/recording his relationship with your friend. She wouldn't affect his clearance at all. He could even claim Child Care vouchers to make her life easier!

He could also have claimed parental leave too to help her out when their DC was first born. The CS is actually pretty good for employee benefits. Even for spies :-)

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 19:53

He will have a footprint somewhere, impossible not to slip up. His name is the gateway and then all attached to him, if they don't know about his secret life then they haven't been silenced like the OP's friend so will have posted freely on on SM. He will be traceble on the internet albeit through family wedding/ work/ friends photos, ebay account, a amazon online review etc.

It is just getting his name and finding a glitch in his armour.

( too much time on hands )

TooManyPaws · 07/12/2018 19:55

A person with dual citizenship has a perfect right to apply for passports from their countries. I think heard something once about US dual citizens being required to travel on their US passports?

My US cousin emigrated to Australia. He uses his US passport to enter the USA and his Australian passport when going home. He avoids the worst of the queues in passport control.

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 19:57

@SexNotJenga definitely not him, although I was hoping 😂

OP posts:
WendyWarthog · 07/12/2018 19:57

I'm more than happy to do some research if you want to PM me. I bloody love a challenge like this!!

Bringbackbertha · 07/12/2018 20:00

There are jobs where you have to give up your life cutting all ties. But this doesn't sound like it...

Perhaps his name is Boswell?

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 20:00

So my plan is tomorrow I’m taking DS over to hers tomorrow as she’s taking them both to see Santa while I go Xmas shopping. I’m going to try and find a letter whilst I’m there.

I have to be honest though, I have looked before and found nothing 🤔 also, another weird thing is she has absolutely no photos of him around her/their house or on her social media (he told her she isn’t allowed, hence why I only have one photo sent over a year ago)

OP posts: