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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
dayswithaY · 07/12/2018 18:16

Imagine finding out your friend had gone behind your back and obtained a copy of your child's birth certificate - just to settle an argument. Poor woman.

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 07/12/2018 18:17

Definitely married. Your poor friend

'Poor friend' my eye! Anyone that wilfully stupid is asking to be taken for a ride.

alphajuliet123 · 07/12/2018 18:19

Use GenesReunited to try and find a birth or marriage record for him, you might find a middle initial and you can also check the electoral register on the same website. Or you might be able to work out who his parents/siblings are and then look them up on FB.

Good luck!

Oliversmumsarmy · 07/12/2018 18:22

You would be surprised how many women believe this shit.

Does he go to a secret government bunker for 2 weeks where he isn’t contactable by phone. AKA the family holiday.

ElsieCat · 07/12/2018 18:22

He's a spy without a car?!!!!! He's not going to be much use, is he?

They never have their own cars though, do they? They just walk up to Ferraris they find in multi storey car parks, pull two bare wires out from somewhere near the glove compartment, hold them together to start the car and job's a good 'un.

Underbrella · 07/12/2018 18:33

A person with a secret family would not make a good spy. As others have said, people who hold government jobs that require high security clearance have their family, friends & associates lives investigated too. They need to be sure there are no dodgy links, or chances that you'd be blackmailed etc.

Get your friend to read 'The Bigamist' by Mary Turner Thompson. Seems like a similar story & it was pretty scary how he conned her.

Feefeetrixabelle · 07/12/2018 18:34

Are the spy dayswithay? Or the partner that’s either lying or in denial?

PainSnail · 07/12/2018 18:35

Oh god I had a friend who was in almost EXACTLY this relationship. No kids involved though luckily. It was glaringly obvious to everyone but her. I think probably a mixture of naivity, optimism and being too close to the situation made her think all his bullshit was perfectly reasonable

Holidayshopping · 07/12/2018 18:38

Is it his child? Joint mortgage? Shared bank account or does he give her money?

theWarOnPeace · 07/12/2018 18:42

Holiday no OP said he gives her no money and she’s on benefits as a single person. Despite them being engaged. I despair.

Feefeetrixabelle · 07/12/2018 18:42

Are you the spy even

marvellousnightforamooncup · 07/12/2018 18:44

Do you know any of the people she's cut off? What were their stories and thoughts on the issue? Did they confront her or get any further info out of her?

Personally I'd distance myself from her, too much weirdness. I would be tempted to bring up the subject before cutting her off though.

loubluee · 07/12/2018 18:44

Haven’t read the thread sorry! But if it hasn’t been mentioned remember that undercover police officer that was in a relationship but married with kids. Could it be something like this?

Shockers · 07/12/2018 18:44

I had a neighbour who was involved with a very similar sounding man. He was apparently in the SAS, but she wasn’t supposed to tell anyone (she told everyone). They had a son who is now 19. His father vanished when he was around 4 and never reappeared.

Your friend’s partner isn’t a 40 something named Steve, is he?

BMW6 · 07/12/2018 18:48

I only feel sorry for the child. I imagine the time will come when he just doesn't visit again, and your friend will have no way of knowing if he's dead or what........

AlexaAmbidextra · 07/12/2018 18:49

Some people’s powers of delusion are mind-blowing though. I used to work with a woman, well-educated, responsible job etc. who, while on holiday abroad about 10 years ago had a fling with a worker at her hotel. They kept in touch, she sent him gifts and she went out again the next year to see him. He kept her well-hidden btw. So the tale was he was going to come over here where they would be married. Strangely enough there was always a reason why he couldn’t but she still believed him. To my knowledge she has been to his country on one more occasion since they met but we all get Christmas cards from ‘Petunia and Sammy’. Confused

OutPinked · 07/12/2018 18:56

My Step-Father’s brother is in the MI5, since I know this it’s obvious that they are allowed to disclose that. I don’t think there’s any job so secretive they’re not allowed to tell family members what they do, maybe a hitman but they probably have a ‘real’ cover job on the side Grin. Also relatives of MI5 staff are vetted, my Mother was even vetted when she started dating my step-dad. So in other words that is absolute bullshit.

Another vote for him being married but not very good at maintaining a double life hence her only seeing him once a month. He’s probably using a fake name. Some PP’s mentioned needing ID to register your child’s birth but actually many areas don’t require this, I’ve registered in two separate areas and neither required ID.

He could and probably will just disappear suddenly one day unless she knows she’s the OW and the story is one she herself has made up for fear you’d judge her.

dayswithaY · 07/12/2018 18:57

Yes FeeFee you got me - I am a spy, I'm just at home right now cutting eye holes into a newspaper and darning my parachute for tomorrow when I start my next mission . Seriously I just think that you can't know everything about someone else's relationship. He might be a married liar and if he is then the OP's friend will have worked it out and she's just putting on a brave face. I do have some knowledge of Civil Service jobs with security clearance. It might be BS but I have heard of some very "niche" job descriptions and the people that do them do have quite extreme lifestyles.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 18:59

@loubluee - I had one of those contact me via OLD gave me the ' I work for security services' when he sent me a photo of himself I reversed the image and BAM! There he was in the news... infamous case.

GodrestyemerrySchadenfreud · 07/12/2018 19:00

Yes FeeFee you got me - I am a spy, I'm just at home right now cutting eye holes into a newspaper and darning my parachute for tomorrow when I start my next mission

Days - the "package" is behind the hot water pipes in stall 3 - you know which public lavatory - I don't need to say more.

And nor can I.

MsJolly · 07/12/2018 19:04
Sad
thenightsky · 07/12/2018 19:05

I'd like to know what his Will states. He could die and she'd never know, never be told because no one knows she exists. She'd be left with nothing, not even an explanation of where he had gone. That is so awful. Sad

dayswithaY · 07/12/2018 19:06

Please make sure our briefcases are identical for when we do the swap on a park bench.

GrandTheftWalrus · 07/12/2018 19:10

It's the daughter I feel sorry for. She's going to grow up and tell her friends that her dad has a big secret job etc and then it'll all come out that her dad was married to someone else.

What if they've children the same age and they end up at the same school?

BehemothPullsThePeasantsPlough · 07/12/2018 19:10

The key to this story is the paperwork. If the story is that her flat is his sole residence (even if he travels a lot) then there would be paperwork. Even if she pays the rent and all the utilities then he’d be registered to vote from there, he should be on the council tax, he’d have letters from the bank, pensions statements, tax letters, P60s from work etc etc. You can have two families but it’s very difficult to pretend effectively to have two sole residences unless your cohabitants are particularly deluded.