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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
Russiawithlove · 07/12/2018 17:42

A car always leaves a trail...if it's a hire car then it's obvious.
But I bet he doesn't think she would be savvy enough to check out a car...so you do it.

SummerGems · 07/12/2018 17:44

OP has already said he doesn’t have a car.

Claracracksthenut · 07/12/2018 17:44

He’s married.
My deceased father “ worked for the government “ we had a very normal family life including holidays and Christmas. Just never really knew what he did 🤷‍♀️.
Apparently my mum did know roughly what he did.

Private investigator may be one answer. Doe she even know his real name??

mindutopia · 07/12/2018 17:44

It is possible to have multiple British passports though if you need them for travel (you can’t enter some countries if your passport shows you’ve been somewhere else - Syria for instance if you have an previous Israeli visa). Dh’s uncle is a documentary filmmaker who does a lot of work in questionable places and he has two.

That said, I haven’t read the full thread but she doesn’t need to ‘claim British citizenship’ for her dd. If this man is on the birth certificate, she is British. It doesn’t matter if her mum is American. I’m American and my dc are British from birth because of my dh. We didn’t have to do anything.

DaffydownClock · 07/12/2018 17:46

He doesn't have a car Russiawithlove
Both my DCs have two passports; DS because of certain countries refusing entry if you've visited eg. Iran, DD because of getting multiple visas in a timely manner so definitely possible.
DDIL has dual nationality and two passports.

Russiawithlove · 07/12/2018 17:46

Ok sorry my mistake. Then maybe follow him when he leaves to go back to work.
Or get someone you know to do it if he knows your face. Cheaper than a private detective

GrimDamnFanjo · 07/12/2018 17:46

You can try searching under his name and age at ancestry.co.uk for starters.
I was once targeted professionally by someone who said they were ex security services. I used to work for the gov myself so was suspicious but other people lost money as he was a complete conman.

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 17:50

I don’t have his number and also don’t know the spelling of his surname (I know), the only photo I have is a selfie she took over a year ago and that brought up zero results on the reverse image search.

OP posts:
SummerGems · 07/12/2018 17:52

Private investigators cost hundreds, even thousands. And if the OP hires one what does she hope to achieve? To find out what her friend already knows? Honestly, a PI is only going to make the OP look stupid as her friend already knows, has likely been the one to concoct this bullshit story in order to elicit sympathy, and meanwhile the OP would be hundreds of pounds out of pocket for uncovering the bleeding obvious.

RosieStarr · 07/12/2018 17:56

Your friend needs to watch Mrs Wilson!

Starlight456 · 07/12/2018 17:56

I would get copy of their dc birth certificate . Start searching through that.

How does he get to hers ? I am surprised family haven’t done more to prove whatever is going on . I would if it was my child.

jukejuke · 07/12/2018 17:58

OP I believe you!! It's creeped me out that you've said he looks way older than the pics as well.

I had a roommate about 9 years ago that fell for this and she was sucked in for about 2 years. He said all of the things you are saying. Worked for the government, top secret. Uncontactable at times some times for a week or two. When he did come and stay it was a random week night.

We could spot it a mile off that he was married but she put up with it for ages.

He looked way older at the time, in his 40s possibly even 50s.
The name he used was not an average name, it was distinctive without giving too much away. I never did find out if he was actually married (I was fairly certain) as she got fed up and dumped him but I've wondered many a time.

There is no way he was a spy at all! I clocked that the first time I met him as we were assembling a flat pack DIY thing in the garden and he was reluctant to help, wanted to read the instructions and seemed absolutely fucking useless. So impossible to believe he was all over the world Liam neeson style (his words) if he can't do basic diy.

Sad for your friend, private investigator is probably the only way to go unfortunately. Do you have a car? Can you get somebody to at least follow him? Pop round when he's home and test him with some DIY haha or ask where he went to school and maybe might give a clue to where he is based.

Russiawithlove · 07/12/2018 17:59

Personally I'd stay out of it. The friend is in denial. Nobody is that thick.
If she wants to live in a fantasy world then let her. I'd suggest counselling not a PI.
It's really sad.

Bringbackbertha · 07/12/2018 18:01

Gchq are probably having a meltdown with the number of Spy words this thread is hitting!

That is the only place I can think he works and they have several offices all over..
However as far as I am aware (I don't work there but know people that have) they do extensive back ground checks and continue to do so.... so unless he is keeping her secret from a secret service then I would be very very very suprised!

Guess she is burying her head. You could just have it out with her and if she doesn't want to do anything then so be it. Just be ready to support when it unravels.

dustyparadeground · 07/12/2018 18:02

Is she Mrs Wilson?

5cats · 07/12/2018 18:02

He's not 6'4" and has ginger hair has he? If he is he's a lorry driver Grin

reallyanotherone · 07/12/2018 18:02

Try and get his car reg when he comes home

And do what with it? Again, no public database that will give you owners details.

Truecaller is crowdsourced- if you use the app your details and, apparently, you synced contacts will be uploaded to the database. Which sounds like a data protection breach to me, if one of my friends uses the app my number will become searchable. I may have misunderstood as i am fairly sure such databases need consent to hold details. It doesn’t work for me or any of my friends as we don’t use it.

silvercuckoo · 07/12/2018 18:06

Not necessarily married. He could be on a day parole from prison, for example.

reallyanotherone · 07/12/2018 18:07

Or a sex offender who isn’t supposed to have contact with children...

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 18:07

Not sure how the OP will get hold of childs birth cert, it isn't something you can demand to see.

Russiawithlove · 07/12/2018 18:07

I wouldn't broadcast on the internet what and how a car reg can be used. But if you know the right people....
Obviously I don't Smile
O and I'm definitely not a spy either Wink

Roussette · 07/12/2018 18:08

The proportion of scammers who take women's money and shysters who are married but pretend not, who claim to be a spy or work for the Government, is extremely high!

Micah · 07/12/2018 18:11

Not sure how the OP will get hold of childs birth cert, it isn't something you can demand to see

I think it is fairly easy to order a copy. I had to get a copy of mine and as long as you have place and date or birth and a few other details it was easy. As far as i remember there is no restriction on who can order a copy either, i wasn’t asked to verify my identity in any way.

SassitudeandSparkle · 07/12/2018 18:13

You can easily order a copy of a birth certificate. However, it's not really up to the OP to prove anything.

theWarOnPeace · 07/12/2018 18:14

Summer yes that’s the thing. He doesn’t work for the government, or he does in some other capacity but has another family and uses it as cover for his lies. Either way it’s all bullshit. Your friend won’t wake up to it because she would have done already. I would have sussed him out from the get go, there’s no way she can believe he works without a single break in years. IMO she’s just enabling his lying in order to convince herself of what is essentially a fictional relationship. I would have to have it out in the open with her OP, it’s far too frustrating to watch someone blinding going along with this complete and utter bullshit. If she doesn’t listen to reason then she either knows and won’t admit it, or is complicit in her own deceit and also in being an OW.