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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
Wheresthebeach · 07/12/2018 17:13

I blame TV....

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 17:14

Sorry, just popped out for some food 😬

To clear a few things up:

First pls no daily fail, I have anxiety just thinking about if she read this! I’ve already given way too many details.

Funnily enough she had an accident a few years ago while pregnant and had to be rushed to hospital. She was able to get in touch with him but he was unable to get away from ‘work’

Currently googling private investigators 🙄
This reverse image search thingy, does it look through the whole web? (Showing my age here!)

OP posts:
SofiaDyer · 07/12/2018 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 17:16

@Goldmandra - I think there are hundreds if not thousands of these 'spies' about.

I certainly encountered one who was frequently doing VERY IMPORTANT 'Government' work here and abroad...

It is sad that women fall for their scraps of attention. It isnt even real attention, it is bullshit from the moment they try and reel you in.

reallyanotherone · 07/12/2018 17:16

@whenisnappedandfarted

Also, I assume she has his number. You can do a search on a mobile number and find out the name of the owner - see if that matches.

How? I have never been able to match up numbers to names using the tools available to the general public. As far as i know there isn’t a way of doing it.

S0upertrooper · 07/12/2018 17:17

The Bigamist by Mary Thompson is the true story of her relationship with 'a spy' and a great read. I think she also offers support and advice to other women. She's been on R4 I think.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 17:18

OP

www.tineye.com

whifflesqueak · 07/12/2018 17:18

Anyway I had no idea having more than one passport was possible.

Only, I believe, in cases of dual citizenship.

But then when you think about it makes sense. A person with dual citizenship has a perfect right to apply for passports from their countries. I think heard something once about US dual citizens being required to travel on their US passports?

BumbleBeee69 · 07/12/2018 17:19

Christ, this is getting exciting, I need to know, sorry OP Grin

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/12/2018 17:20

@reallyanotherone - I have used truecaller a few times and it's always worked for me.

Foamybanana93 · 07/12/2018 17:25

Sounds like an episode of mrs Wilson Hmm

Namastethefuckawayfromme · 07/12/2018 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LovesLaboursLost · 07/12/2018 17:30

You can have two passports if you travel to countries which ban people who’ve been to another specific country. E.g Israel and Iran.

LovesLaboursLost · 07/12/2018 17:32

OP, on what basis is your friend’s daughter in the UK? Is she claiming British citizenship through her father or is she here as a result of her mother’s right to reside? Your friend really needs to sort out her daughter claiming British citizenship if the father will help her.

dayswithaY · 07/12/2018 17:34

But he might have declared her to his employers and she's had security clearance without her knowing. They only need her name and DoB.

SavageBeauty73 · 07/12/2018 17:34

She needs to watch Mrs Wilson!

zsazsajuju · 07/12/2018 17:34

I have two passports. But Ima not a spy. I remember some guy once trying to convince me he was a spy to impress me in the Middle East. It sounds like he is married but I’m really intrigued!

elQuintoConyo · 07/12/2018 17:35

Is his name Jonathan Pine?
Or Andrew Birch?
Wink

Positi · 07/12/2018 17:36

You have to follow him the next time he leaves her house.

S0upertrooper · 07/12/2018 17:38

DH has 2 British passports, uses one for Iran and 1 for everywhere else.

Is it possible that your friend is telling porkies OP? I worked with a woman who was a compulsive liar and the stuff she came out with was amazing! Totally fooled us all (for a while anyway)

mindutopia · 07/12/2018 17:39

Does the child have a passport? Because he would have had to given his legal name and passport number on the application. If the child has a US passport, they would have had to apply together in person at the US embassy and show a shed load of identity documents (I’m American so both my dc have dual nationality). If he is who he is, then he would have had to demonstrate it in either case.

NewName54321 · 07/12/2018 17:40

Do you have evidence that the 3-weekly-or-so visits actually happen, and does he come to her or she go to him, other than your friend's word?

If not, I'd also be wondering whether he has had a couple of stretches “working for the government” in a prison and she is covering this up.

SummerGems · 07/12/2018 17:40

Um, according to the OP, this is a bloke who:

Hasn’t told his family about his partner and worst of all his child.

Hasn’t told his employer about his partner and/or his child.

The partner has apparently cut off contact with everyone who has dared to question this.

So on what planet do people think the OP is likely to have his number or his picture to post into google?

paintinmyhairAgain · 07/12/2018 17:41

accident when pregnant, she was able to contact him but he wasn't able to get away from work, of course he couldn't get away, that would mean having an excuse to his wife.

Russiawithlove · 07/12/2018 17:41

Try and get his car reg when he comes home.

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