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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
labazs · 07/12/2018 16:46

certainly married or in another relationship at least one and a lying swine to boot

53rdWay · 07/12/2018 16:47

He may not be a spy as such but there are many government jobs that are a bit shady.

There are really not many government jobs that would require a very high level of security clearance but would also let you get away with lying about your partner and child.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 16:48

Oh come on, he is that important to the government they need him 24/7 all year so he can't take a day off or have a weeks holiday?

Whisky2014 · 07/12/2018 16:50

Whats his financial status like? Surely if he works so much and is so big and important he has the lifestyle to boot?

AndhowcouldIeverrefuse · 07/12/2018 16:51

Yes the friend says she is here legally but for some reason she doesn't have a British passport... this is odd, usually people who acquire citizenship are very keen to obtain a passport. And the friend doesn't sound particularly clued up...

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 07/12/2018 16:52

*He may not be a spy as such but there are many government jobs that are a bit shady.

There are really not many government jobs that would require a very high level of security clearance but would also let you get away with lying about your partner and child.*

Exactly. Most "secret" jobs are still civil service. The super secret ones ironically he may not be able to disclose what he did but would have to provide full disclosure on her, so the opposite is true. But given MI5/6 and GCHQ are able to disclose to loved ones, it's highly unlikely.

WisdomOfCrowds · 07/12/2018 16:52

My friend is actually in a very similar relationship, minus (thank god) a child. Her "boyfriend" is someone she new in real life for a short time who then moved abroad to study. The stayed in touch online and eventually started dating, but in the 4 years since then they've only met up maybe 2 or 3 times. He's heavily implied that he's secretly part of some royal family/ government connections/ mafia, that he runs a multi million pound business, that he's studying at both Cambridge and Harvard simultaneously, but he never ever graduate because just as he's about to another prestigious university will beg him to study with them and he has to start his degree over again from the beginning. He's promised to marry her someday but because she isn't a princess/ mafia daughter she needs to pass all kinds of insane hunger games style trials to be accepted by his family (the exact details of these have never been disclosed). Her very strict Muslims parents hate him because he's black and stopped paying her rent over her refusal to break up with him so she asked him to help her out (he is a millionaire after all) but (shockingly) he couldn't because... I don't remember, some utter bs story. Every now and then he'll say he's in the country for some super secret important business meeting, will turn up and shag her then immediately leave on super secret important business. The whole thing is so utterly baffling to me. She's extremely intelligent, a doctor, stunning beyond belief, she seriously could have anyone. It just doesn't compute to me, but she swears blind that she believes every word. I've had to stop seeing her as much as I find it too infuriating. She was also abused as a child and just desperately wants to be loved and have a family, but she has men and women falling over themselves to ask her out and insists on pretend dating this lunatic instead.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 07/12/2018 16:54

Yes the friend says she is here legally but for some reason she doesn't have a British passport... this is odd, usually people who acquire citizenship are very keen to obtain a passport. And the friend doesn't sound particularly clued up...

Given she's a single mum on benefits, she probably can't afford to travel. She's been here since she was 10. To have remained so long here illegally and get through school and the ante natal services to have a child, register the birth,claim benefits etc would be more of an achievement than Agent 00Bellends bullshit being true.

SummerGems · 07/12/2018 16:54

@dayswithaY but while there are jobs which might require the individual to be secretive towards their family, there aren’t jobs which would require the individual to deny the existence of a family. Therein lies the difference and is what makes this so implausible.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/12/2018 16:56

nobody can work 24 hours a day 7 days a week, 365 days a year, except God and I have my suspicions about him too Hmm

whifflesqueak · 07/12/2018 16:57

Yes the friend says she is here legally but for some reason she doesn't have a British passport... this is odd, usually people who acquire citizenship are very keen to obtain a passport. And the friend doesn't sound particularly clued up...

My Canadian born mother has lived in the uk for 20 years. She has British citizenship via her mother who was born here. She has never had a British passport, nor particularly felt the need. She travels on her Canadian passport and the Right to Abode stamp has meant this is never a problem when navigating customs.

I was 7 when I moved here. Entirely assimilated. No sign of any Canadian accent whatsoever, in fact i’m quite plummy. I have both passports but can only travel on one.

SummerGems · 07/12/2018 16:58

I read somewhere that around 80% of Americans don’t have a passport. Can imagine that figure might look similar for Americans who emigrated here as children and therefore have never needed a passport as their families live here also....

Having said that I still think she’s the one lying rather than him....

ABoozedMoose · 07/12/2018 16:59

I bet he has a really normal mundane job

It reminds me of Robert Hendry Freegard. People will believe the most unlikely crap.

kateandme · 07/12/2018 16:59

but ho is she even with him.because she is a single parent.how can she love him or want him in her life if hes not even there if that makes sense? she doesn't know him.she doesn't have a relationship if he is thre that little so who is there and how is there to love?
poor woman.how can she does this and why?
how do the finances work.
oh too many spiraling questions going through my mind all ending in...why?

GrandTheftWalrus · 07/12/2018 17:02

@aboozedmoose

He's probably a bin man or milk man.

(Nothing against them just thinking of an ordinary job)

BluebellCockleshell123 · 07/12/2018 17:04

Maybe he's a time traveller a la Goodnight Sweetheart.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 07/12/2018 17:05

@dayswithaY if your job is such a secret then you have a cover job that you can answer some questions about- everyone knows that.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/12/2018 17:07

Asking how she gets hold of him is a very good point.

Also, I assume she has his number. You can do a search on a mobile number and find out the name of the owner - see if that matches.

beanaseireann · 07/12/2018 17:08

How much do private investigators cost ?

frustratedashell · 07/12/2018 17:08

A friend of mine met a guy online , said he worked in "travel and tourism". Turned out to be a bus driver, nothing wrong with that

Alann01 · 07/12/2018 17:08

This sounds too much like someone I know....he's not indian is he?

Goldmandra · 07/12/2018 17:08

My sister fell for exactly the same story over ten years ago. The only difference being that he disappeared for good a few days after their DD was born and has since been untraceable.

It took her years to accept that she had been stitched up, probably because she was flattered by the idea of being of interest to someone as glamorous as a 'spy'.

I have to wonder if he is the same person.

Cuddlykitten123 · 07/12/2018 17:10

Op Have you done some Catfish tv show style digging.... Google image search etc.?

Alann01 · 07/12/2018 17:11

To be fair maybe james bond told his fiancee this and all her friend's didn't believe him....typical mumsnet Grin

JustWhatINeededNow · 07/12/2018 17:12

I have a male friend who works in the tobacco industry. Away for long periods of time.

He's a uk national but has moe than one passport. Visas and hold ups when travelling to Asia I think?

Anyway I had no idea having more than one passport was possible.