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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
arranbubonicplague · 07/12/2018 16:09

Another one saying that if her were a spy/similar then your friend would also have been subjected to vetting and scrutiny. How bad would our various forces and departments need to be that he could conceal the existence of a long-term partner and child from them?

Rudgie47 · 07/12/2018 16:09

Probably he works for the council tax section and is stretching it a bit.
Unless someone has learning disabilities or is very very vulnerable I cant see them believing such utter bullshit.

nomorearsingmermaids · 07/12/2018 16:09

I reckon this will end up in the fail.

ratherbeshowjumping · 07/12/2018 16:10

Haven't RTFT but just wanted to say my aunt's STBXH had a story very similar to this and fabricated it for the entirety of their 5 year relationship.
He told her that he worked for "the government" and was away for weeks at a time.... he couldn't sell his house as he "had" to have it as a "bolthole" for work so wouldn't go onto my aunts mortgage when he "moved in."
Cut a very long story short, he was actually a postman who had a long term girlfriend and two teenage children who fancied a bit of excitement. The OW was just as clueless as my aunt.

This guy is definitely not a spy and certainly has a family elsewhere.

Rudgie47 · 07/12/2018 16:11

I used to be friends with a woman and she said that her boyfriend had been kidnapped by terrorists in Africa. She just wanted attention. These people walk amongst us.

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 07/12/2018 16:12

I, too, am waiting to hear the results of a revers image search...

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 07/12/2018 16:14

@MysteryManchild - if you have family or a partner from certain countries then it takes longer to be cleared but the US doesn't tend to be one of those countries. If you have family or a partner from other countries e.g. Russia then you are unlikely to be cleared at all. If you know anything about international politics then this isn't hard to workout who is a friend and who is a foe. Oh and you aren't suppose to tell others whether you are cleared though it really depends on the work you are doing and who they are.

Anyway the guy is 100% talking shit. He would be better of saying he was a long distance lorry driver or a merchant seamen as then he could appear randomly for a few days every few months. (I actually went out with the latter.)

TooYoungToBeSoTired · 07/12/2018 16:15

She knows she’s the OW and she’s making it up for yours and her family’s benefit. That’s all.

changedname10 · 07/12/2018 16:16

I bet if you put a pic of him on a few English FB groups like the DIY on a budget and Poundland appreciation ones with a shit ton of members you could easily find his wife 😂

Merryoldgoat · 07/12/2018 16:18

I couldn’t be friends with someone so stupid, willfully or otherwise.

Bloomburger · 07/12/2018 16:19

Ooohhh get a picture of him and PM it to the next mumsnetter in the conversation then that mumsnetter can PM it to the next one, and repeat. Someone on here will more than likely recognise him from somewhere or other.

bringbackthestripes · 07/12/2018 16:20

This is going to be in that “take a break” magazine that my hairdresser gets in for the old dears Grin

ElsieMc · 07/12/2018 16:24

Sorry if someone has already suggested this, but it sounds like Mrs Wilson where the actress Ruth Wilson plays Mrs Wilson who was in fact her grandmother. Bizarre, sinister but true story.

mummmy2017 · 07/12/2018 16:24

How has her family not followed him.
Car parked round the corner, or in train station....
Bet he is a rep who comes here once a month to deliver stuff...

mummmy2017 · 07/12/2018 16:26

How does your friend contact him...
I recon he is a delivery driver, parks his van down the road...
How could you not follow him... I need to know who he is...

SummerGems · 07/12/2018 16:29

So I wonder what the dd would be told to tell school when they have those discussions along the lines of what her dad does for a living.....

TBH, I wonder how the OP can stay friends with such a blatant liar. If the post here had been to cut contact with a friend because they knew she was a OW people’s responses would have been so vastly different. There is absolutely no way this woman doesn’t know, in fact as I’ve said upthread I suspect that she is actually at the heart of these lies and the OP has apparently fallen for them hook line and sinker.

It’s not the friend that’s stupid..... Wink.

I mean look at the evidence, friend in a relationship with a spy who’s not allowed to talk about his job ever, not allowed to tell work that he has a family because it’s a risk. Not even allowed to talk about his child.... and yet friend claims benefits from the same government he apparently works for, claims child benefit for the child he’s not allowed to admit to, and he’s on the birth certificate for a child he’s not allowed to admit to having fathered. Okayyyyyyyyy.

The only other alternative here would be that he’s actually living under a new identity because he’s committed some hideous crime and would be at risk of attack if he were to be found, in which case the authorities would have to know about her, and if they didn’t then why not????????

So which is he OP? A man cheating on his wife with a fantasist for a gf who tells people he’s a spy? Or a murderer/paedofile who’s living under an assumed identity and whose partner and child are at risk from both him and vigilante attack.....?

Either way I would cut this woman out of your life. She’s clearly bad news and he’s not your problem.

Roussette · 07/12/2018 16:34

I know you don't want to lose this friendship OP, but how in the name of all that is holy, can you not talk about this elephant in the room? In fact, it's not an elephant, it's a great big woolly mammoth.

I could not not carry on like everything is normal when it's so much NOT. I would be saying to friend, you're being taken for a complete and utter mug and if you want to cut me off because of that, so be it. You will have no friends.

If I were her DM I would've already hired a private detective on this bloke and found out exactly who he is.

Also, OP, I would confront him myself saying 'Friend might be daft as a brush, but you're not fooling me, I know your game'.

BeekyChitch · 07/12/2018 16:38

OP PLEASE hire a private investigator - i would love to know exactly what he gets up to!

SushiMonster · 07/12/2018 16:41

Does she really, really, REALLY believe him?

dayswithaY · 07/12/2018 16:42

Just to buck the trend here, it is possible that he does have some highly sensitive job. There are some elements of credulity in what he has told her, you really have no idea of certain jobs that exist that do require a level of secrecy. Working on Christmas Day is completely believable. He may not be a spy as such but there are many government jobs that are a bit shady. Or he could be a liar I don't know but just cos it seems unbelievable to you doesn't mean it's not true.

yesiamgoingtoeatthat · 07/12/2018 16:44

OP, how does your friend contact him in an emergency? Is his phone often switched off? Fascinating...

ChasedByBees · 07/12/2018 16:44

If nothing else, the government pay expenses, and promptly too.

One day he’ll get bored and disappear. She may not even know his real name and their child will know nothing about him.

For the child’s sake, she should know the truth.

AndhowcouldIeverrefuse · 07/12/2018 16:44

I've be worried about her immigration situation TBH. So you are all in the UK, she is American. I'm assuming the father is British and it seems that he is on the birth certificate. So the child has British nationality. If your friend is here illegally she could be deported and the child would have to live with the father.

Which would definitely bring this to a head.

Ethelswith · 07/12/2018 16:45

If you're still on the thread, OP, google Mary Turner Thomson. The story of her bigamist, and how people get sucked in by conmen, would make interesting reading.

There is no bar to a partner of someone in a highly vetted post being a foreigner, especially when their nationality is that of a close ally. That error in his taraddidle is enough to expose the pack of lies.

But why is this Walter Mitty is doing it? Married or just a fantasist?

flamingofridays · 07/12/2018 16:46

op has already said that friend isn't here illegally.