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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why is my husband so picky about my choice/employment?

137 replies

whatihavetoputupwith · 05/12/2018 12:29

I am literally at the end of my tether. My husband works in a good post and earns good money, whereas I just work part time as a cleaner. Okay the money and job isn't great but I enjoy my team and I enjoy going to work. My son goes to a childminder which he enjoys very much! My husband without fail tells me I need to change my job because do I see myself doing this for the rest of my life? Why don't I want to progress in my career and why don't I just work somewhere better and earn better money? I clearly told him if he isn't happy then just piss off then he gets defensive about it! I said I will just fucking stay at home then and sounds like that's what he wants me to do! Is to be a housewife!

I am so, so pissed off that every fucking day he brings it up and I've had enough of it. He is the one who picks up overtime all the time when he doesn't even need to, I see to the house and do housework, shopping, taking DS to play group, I do everything but he still isn't happy. He wants me to do things according to him! But I refuse to do that. He wants me to change my hours and days if possible when I've already done that, I've already organised childcare as well which was difficult but now he is saying it isn't working!

My job ain't glamorous but it pays the bills and gives us all a comfortable life. I am feeling like I can't make him happy because of what I do. am I in the wrong here? Do I really need to sort my shit out and get a better job? Baring in mind I am not the most intelligent and I've got no qualifications (I do but they're not relevant). My job is the only social interaction I get as well as I don't go out and meet friends as I hardly have any, and I don't want to just talk to my husband all the time!

OP posts:

DontCallMeCharlotte · 05/12/2018 12:33

He wants me to change my hours and days if possible

Why?

ApolloandDaphne · 05/12/2018 12:36

Why does he think it isn't working? Is he even around when you are at work or do you work when he is at work?

Cherries101 · 05/12/2018 12:37

He thinks you’re selling yourself short and to be honest a lot of your post makes me wonder if you suffer from self-confidence issues. Cleaning is hard, demoralizing work, why is this the best you can do? Why not try and get retrained into something different?

Bernina · 05/12/2018 12:38

He sounds like a control freak. If it wasn't your job he'd be picking on something else.

fuzzywuzzy · 05/12/2018 12:40

Why does he want you to change your hours?

If you retrain for another job is he going to pick up the childcare/housework that you won’t be able to do?

He sounds like he wants to control you rather than care about what you want to do.

Monday55 · 05/12/2018 12:40

Sounds like he wants you to be more ambitious and aim higher.

Calvinsmam · 05/12/2018 12:42

Cleaning is hard, demoralizing work, why is this the best you can do?

Why does everybody have to do ‘the best they can do?’

I enjoy my team and I enjoy going to work.

Is more than lots of people can say.

Tell him to piss off OP

StealthPolarBear · 05/12/2018 12:47

Is he worried about you doing a physical job as you get older

LucyMorningStar · 05/12/2018 12:55

Is he worried about you doing a physical job as you get older

I think the only thing he's worried about is how it comes across to his friends, colleagues etc. He's being a work snob which is a completely dickish thing to do.

Totally agree with @Clavinsmam. You're in fortunate position of being paid for something you enjoy doing. Tell him to stick his opinion where the sun don't shine.

Avrannakern · 05/12/2018 12:58

I personally couldn't be content with someone who is happy to coast along and do nothing much, or not push themselves to grow and achieve etc. But I wouldn't marry someone like that. Id never marry them and then demand they change and do it my way.

This is who you are and he married you. So he needs to shut up.

MiniCooperLover · 05/12/2018 13:00

He's embarrassed you're a cleaner 😳 He has no right to be but that's what he sounds like to me

BIWI · 05/12/2018 13:01

Sounds like you have different values and different aspirations in life.

What did you do before you had DC?

Did you ever discuss what you were going to do when DC came along?

alligatorsmile · 05/12/2018 13:03

I've been a cleaner. It's very satisfying, actually, plus you often get short and/or flexible hours which means that you get out and about and feel useful, you're bringing in a bit of money, and your child is experiencing other settings and being around other kids. I can't see what you're doing is so terribly wrong?

SilverLining10 · 05/12/2018 13:04

I too think hes embarrassed by your line of work.
I too would honestly be upset if this is all my dh wanted to be. Would you be ok for your DC to do the same?

Anyhow hes being unreasonable by behaving in this way without discussing it with you properly. It's not your only job as well, you are also taking care of the DC and the home so he should have more respect for that.

alligatorsmile · 05/12/2018 13:06

Does he want you to
a) not do something he thinks is embarrassing like being a cleaner?
b) just bring more money home?
c) stay at home full time and be a housewife?

Because at the moment he seems to be asking you to do all 3, but c) is incompatible with a and b!

Calvinsmam · 05/12/2018 13:07

I personally couldn't be content with someone who is happy to coast along and do nothing much, or not push themselves to grow and achieve etc.

But that’s not the issue here as he’d be happy for her to give up work and be a housewife.

She has a part time job she enjoys and enriched her life but he looks down on it.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/12/2018 13:08

Sounds like a snob... if you like your job and it satisfies you AND pays the bills then I’d not want to ‘aim higher’ either. Some people are far too interested in what other people think of them, and if he’s ashamed of you because you are a cleaner, that says more about him than you OP. Tell him to piss off

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 05/12/2018 13:08

It's up to you what you do, not him.

We can't know why he's making these kind of comments. Only he knows. You'll have to ask.

If you are truly happy, make sure he knows that.

Calvinsmam · 05/12/2018 13:09

I too would honestly be upset if this is all my dh wanted to be.

Really? Even if it meant they could do flexible child care and take over all the shopping and cleaning at home?

Cheerbear23 · 05/12/2018 13:10

Cleaning is hard, demoralizing work, why is this the best you can do?

Erm, how offensive... and because she said she likes it! It’s hard to get a job you like, with hours you want and arrange suitable child care.

lazyarse123 · 05/12/2018 13:10

Why are pp saying they wouldn't be happy with a partner with basically no ambition. If you are happy in your job and contributing financially as well as housework and childcare tell him to just stfu and if he doesn't like it he can leave.

Undies1990 · 05/12/2018 13:11

Sounds to me like he's embarrassed that you are a cleaner. If you are happy and enjoy it, he can shove his opinions. Snob.

rookiemere · 05/12/2018 13:12

It sounds like he is embarrassed you are a cleaner and doesn't want to tell people that's what you do. Perhaps he feels it reflects badly on him.

If you enjoy it though then you keep going not sure why you should change to something else to make him happy.

Topseyt · 05/12/2018 13:14

"I like my job, I enjoy going to work and I am sticking with that whether YOU like it or not" would be the sort of response he would get from me. Yes, I have done that in the past.

If he didn't like that he could piss off. I would ignore him droning on anyway, until he irked me so much I ended up telling him to fuck off.

category12 · 05/12/2018 13:17

It's difficult to tell where this is coming from

if it's out of concern for you or wanting more for you, that's one thing
if it's out of frustration, as in there are money worries or he hates his own job but feels stuck as the main breadwinner, that's another
if it's just he wants you to be a housewife or is ashamed of you cleaning, that's another again.

Whatever's behind it, it shouldn't be handled like this.

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