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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why is my husband so picky about my choice/employment?

137 replies

whatihavetoputupwith · 05/12/2018 12:29

I am literally at the end of my tether. My husband works in a good post and earns good money, whereas I just work part time as a cleaner. Okay the money and job isn't great but I enjoy my team and I enjoy going to work. My son goes to a childminder which he enjoys very much! My husband without fail tells me I need to change my job because do I see myself doing this for the rest of my life? Why don't I want to progress in my career and why don't I just work somewhere better and earn better money? I clearly told him if he isn't happy then just piss off then he gets defensive about it! I said I will just fucking stay at home then and sounds like that's what he wants me to do! Is to be a housewife!

I am so, so pissed off that every fucking day he brings it up and I've had enough of it. He is the one who picks up overtime all the time when he doesn't even need to, I see to the house and do housework, shopping, taking DS to play group, I do everything but he still isn't happy. He wants me to do things according to him! But I refuse to do that. He wants me to change my hours and days if possible when I've already done that, I've already organised childcare as well which was difficult but now he is saying it isn't working!

My job ain't glamorous but it pays the bills and gives us all a comfortable life. I am feeling like I can't make him happy because of what I do. am I in the wrong here? Do I really need to sort my shit out and get a better job? Baring in mind I am not the most intelligent and I've got no qualifications (I do but they're not relevant). My job is the only social interaction I get as well as I don't go out and meet friends as I hardly have any, and I don't want to just talk to my husband all the time!

OP posts:

Lifeisabeach09 · 05/12/2018 17:37

Continue to do what you enjoy and makes you happy, OP.
Your husband may want what he sees as 'better' for you job-wise (according to some PP) but it's really not his place to pressure or decide what job roles are best for you.

gamerchick · 05/12/2018 17:51

I must say, if I was working in a "proper job" and song over time while my DP earned pocket money on cleaning a few hours a week AND sent the DC to nursery, I'd be mightily unimpressed

You've left out the middle bit of life there. Who does the lion's share of the other mundane stuff. Or do you just not bother?

Anyway this is about being comfortable financially, running the home, getting on with colleagues and actually enjoying a job. Sounds like a good balance to me. Or is it just because it's cleaning?

WinterfellWench · 05/12/2018 17:58

@PaintingOwls

I must say, if I was working in a "proper job" and song over time while my DP earned pocket money on cleaning a few hours a week AND sent the DC to nursery, I'd be mightily unimpressed.

PMSL! 😂😂

You obviously don't have children or a partner or a house probably.

theonlyKevin · 05/12/2018 18:01

That’s not how it works though, it’s also because she does a better job in a quicker amount of time.

that's a personal choice. I did compare how much I earn an hour after tax and how much I pay my cleaner before employing one, but for some people the convenience is even more important, which is fair enough.

On a business side, it costs us a lot less to pay a cleaning company than it would cost us to let the staff clean instead of doing what they are employ to do, even if they were doing it in exactly the same amount of time.

I strongly believe that most posters are completely hypocritical, and that if their own children were decided on becoming a cleaner and that's it, they would strongly encourage them to at least explore other options.

People can call me snobby all they like, it's good to have options in life and to be able to do a fulfilling job. You can work with wonderful people in any area, not just by being a cleaner!

CaliHummers · 05/12/2018 18:08

Cleaning doesn't teach you anything, doesn't challenge, is just an utter waste of time, or people wouldn't pay others to do it for them.

I pay someone to do design work. Other people pay me to write. Are these things a waste of time because they're not doing it themselves? If it were really a waste of time, why would you hand over your hard-earned cash to somebody else? Isn't the reality that it's essential, but you personally just don't want to do it? Plus, whilst someone is working full time, they may well just want to pay someone else to do 3hrs a week cleaning that they don't have the time or inclination to do. And as others have said, if you're practised at something, you're better at it.

I've learned a lot working with horses and given the amount of shit-shovelling this involves, parts of it are just specialist cleaning. But you work out an enormous amount about time management and multitasking. You can learn from anything really, if you have the mindset going into it.

Sparklesocks · 05/12/2018 18:24

theonlyKevin absolutely no need to be snarky, I meant that people rely on cleaners and it’s those who don’t appreciate them,or look down on the work they do, who are often the first to complain if the work isn’t done. Zero need for rudeness!

Calvinsmam · 05/12/2018 19:39

But it’s not just about per hour cost, working out whether to outsource work on that basis is a flawed system.
I only have so many hours in the day and my specialism isn’t cleaning, nor is t the specialism of my employees who I’ve employed to a specific role. Why would you employ someone with the skills to do one thing and then get them to spend their time doing something else?
If I had to factor in how good someone was at cleaning into my recruitment criteria I might miss out on valuable candidates and I doubt people who’ve trained in one area would be happy about being expected to do something so far removed from their job roles. Keeping their desk tidy? Yes. Cleaning up the brass and glass on the window? No.

So I hire a cleaner. Because they are really good at cleaning, and fast.

theonlyKevin · 05/12/2018 19:50

Sparklesocks you really shouldn't take things personally when they are not meant to be, I can't agree with your original comment, it makes no sense to me for the reason I said.

As long as you are not completely lazy, anyone can become a cleaner and be good at it. As I said, I've done it when I needed cash! I didn't like it, I would only do it again if I was desperate. I would absolutely not want my kids to do that, they are much better than that. I wasn't even a crap cleaner, I got bonuses on top of the original agreed price. It's easy, boring, and a waste of time, and it pays peanuts.

Have YOU tried it, or are you just full of it?

Calvinsmam · 05/12/2018 19:56

Why do you keep saying it’s a waste of time? It’s obviously not a waste of time or no one would hire cleaners.
£13 an hour for a flexible part time job sounds pretty good to me.
You got bonuses on top of what they owed you because someone valued what you did and understood it’s an important job that not just anyone can do.

donajimena · 05/12/2018 20:05

Calvin its not 13 p/h by the time you take out your costs. I've cleaned for years. I enjoy it but its not a good wage. If the OP were to be alone (which given her husbands resentment she may well do) its a shit wage to support yourself on. I think she should definitely try to further herself. Even if only through study while the children are young.

theonlyKevin · 05/12/2018 20:06

I disagree, anyone can do it.

I don't look down at people who do it, there's nothing shameful or embarrassing about it, not sure I get that point across. I don't want my kids to do it, because they can do a lot better, and so can my partner. It's not a career choice I would recommend. Unless you have medical problem, you can always become a cleaner if you want to and start tomorrow. You can't jump from cleaning to another career by clicking your fingers.

Sparklesocks · 05/12/2018 20:12

theonlyKevin yep I have done it actually, and once again absolutely no need for such a rude tone. You can disagree with someone without being condescending. We need cleaners, we rely on them, and work is work - we all need money, this job works for OP.

gamerchick · 05/12/2018 20:24

Ah you're on about domestic cleaning? I was wondering when you said it was easy and boring. Have you done any other types since it's so easy? Commercial? Forensic? Industrial? It's not all easy shit for peanuts.

Do you know your machines aside from Hoovers? What about different chemicals?

There is money to be made on cleaning if you really want it. It's not all skirting boards and scrubbing shit off toilets

3WildOnes · 05/12/2018 20:46

PaintingOwls , I don’t earn much after childcare is paid. Does that mean I shouldn’t work?
FWIW I have a “proper job” one that requires professional qualifications but unfortunately doesn’t pay loads and I live in an area where childcare is pricey (£30pd for before and after school childcare and £90pd for nursery, for us a nanny works out cheaper and is more flexible)

Topseyt · 06/12/2018 02:11

Anyone calling cleaning a waste of time would presumably be happy to work in uncleaned offices, or have their children go to uncleaned schools.

Bollocks they would. Cleaners are important too.

Weezol · 06/12/2018 02:34

Hospitals would have to close if all the cleaners/facilities staff walked out. I'd suggest that makes them key staff, not 'just' anything.

COSHH qualifications are required for some cleaning jobs.

Why does everyone have to have a 'career' these days - what's wrong with having a job that you like and enjoy and are happy to do for years?

choli · 06/12/2018 03:14

Why does everyone have to have a 'career' these days - what's wrong with having a job that you like and enjoy and are happy to do for years?

What is wrong with it is that someone else has to pick up the financial slack while you are enjoying it.

tombstoneteeth · 06/12/2018 03:15

I wanted to take a cleaning job when I was unable to get a teaching job in my subject area (highly academic). I love cleaning. DH was horrified, and was so opposed to the idea that I gave it away. It's a British thing, maybe?

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 06/12/2018 03:30

Maybe your husband is an insufferable snob, or maybe he wants you to pull your weight more financially. I know if my husband decided unilaterally to work part time in a low paid job I'd be more than a bit pissed off, as its not what I signed up for!

WinterfellWench · 06/12/2018 10:04

@Weezol

Why does everyone have to have a 'career' these days - what's wrong with having a job that you like and enjoy and are happy to do for years?

@choli

What is wrong with it is that someone else has to pick up the financial slack while you are enjoying it.

Who says that the person working in a 'career' is earning more money than the person in the 'menial job' (that they enjoy?)

Not ALL 'careers' pay well. Indeed, a friend of mine who works as a cleaner for 28 hours a week, picks up as much money as her partner who works 36 hours a week for an insurance company. Many 'office' jobs only pay £18-20K. Not EVERYone lives in bloody London and works in a skycraper in Canary Wharf, or does some fancy middle management corporate job!

And if you do, and are on £50K, and your partner is on less, then you shouldn't care.. Especially as, in most relationships, the female in the couple will be doing most of the housework, chores, general wifework, and childcare.

If you are a man who earns more than your wife/girlfriend, and you resent her, then do the decent thing and end it, because long-term, she will be better off without someone so selfish and tight. I could not be with a man like that, who was judgemental and snide about me earning less (if I did.) Any woman who gets with a man like this is in for a rough ride in life.

choli · 06/12/2018 10:24

If you are a man who earns more than your wife/girlfriend, and you resent her, then do the decent thing and end it, because long-term, she will be better off without someone so selfish and tight.

Well the OP will have to work much harder to support herself if her partner takes your advice so I doubt she'll thank you for it.

WinterfellWench · 06/12/2018 10:26

@choli

Better to be alone, than be with a man who is selfish, judgmental, and snide, and keeps all HIS money to himself.

I would rather be alone ANY day than with someone with an attitude like this, (and with an attitude like yours......)

choli · 06/12/2018 10:32

Better to be alone, than be with a man who is selfish, judgmental, and snide, and keeps all HIS money to himself
So why aren't you advising the OP to leave instead of her husband?

WinterfellWench · 06/12/2018 10:36

Same difference!

WinterfellWench · 06/12/2018 10:37

Thing is, I have seen too many women suffer that same treatment from men in their lives. They earn less (as women often do,) often because they have put a career on hold or given up work to raise the family for a number of years.

Then the man earns more, and thinks because he does, he is entitled to keep HIS money, live a life as if he is still single, leave the woman to all the wifework and childcare, and spend shitloads of HIS money on frivolous hobbies...... whilst never lifting a finger in the house.

Any woman who has a man like this, would be better off without him, because at least she won't be looking after HIS lazy ass, while he fucks off out spending what he wants, living as if he is still single, and spending HIS money. Let him go, and see how he likes it living alone and looking after himself.

Trust me, I know plenty of women who have been better off - and happier - after splitting with a lazy, entitled partner who keeps all his money to himself, and does fuckall to help in the house (or with the kids...) Some of them have found a much better man, some are still (happily) single!

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