Why is my husband so picky about my choice/employment?

[whatihavetoputupwith]

I am literally at the end of my tether. My husband works in a good post and earns good money, whereas I just work part time as a cleaner. Okay the money and job isn't great but I enjoy my team and I enjoy going to work. My son goes to a childminder which he enjoys very much! My husband without fail tells me I need to change my job because do I see myself doing this for the rest of my life? Why don't I want to progress in my career and why don't I just work somewhere better and earn better money? I clearly told him if he isn't happy then just piss off then he gets defensive about it! I said I will just fucking stay at home then and sounds like that's what he wants me to do! Is to be a housewife!

I am so, so pissed off that every fucking day he brings it up and I've had enough of it. He is the one who picks up overtime all the time when he doesn't even need to, I see to the house and do housework, shopping, taking DS to play group, I do everything but he still isn't happy. He wants me to do things according to him! But I refuse to do that. He wants me to change my hours and days if possible when I've already done that, I've already organised childcare as well which was difficult but now he is saying it isn't working!

My job ain't glamorous but it pays the bills and gives us all a comfortable life. I am feeling like I can't make him happy because of what I do. am I in the wrong here? Do I really need to sort my shit out and get a better job? Baring in mind I am not the most intelligent and I've got no qualifications (I do but they're not relevant). My job is the only social interaction I get as well as I don't go out and meet friends as I hardly have any, and I don't want to just talk to my husband all the time!

We've had a cleaning ladies/housekeepers for the last 25 years and have to say that they have been the most appreciated people in my family's life.
Yes, it might not be the most glamorous job and there are worse, but if it works for you and your family, why not?
Having a clean house to come home to is sheer joy and it leaves us time to spend time as a family or couple, when otherwise we would be cleaning floors and bathrooms. And I have to add when I'm out and about shopping, at events or in restaurants I like a clean toilet, so always appreciate the cleaning staff.
I suspect he doesn't like saying that his lady is working as a cleaner.

Tinkety I know plenty of men who will decide to do overtime for other reasons than financial NEED.
It can be because they feel irreplaceable, because they want a promotion and look good, because they believe in hard work and never saying NO to more work. It can also be because actually they prefer to be at work (where they are the ‘boss’) rather than at home where they might be asked to actually step up and do some parenting/HW (H did that when the dcs were little).
In effect it can easily be a decision they are taking just because it feels right to them wo a second thought abiut the effect it has on other people and wo HAVING to work more because otherwise the family can’t pay the bills.

Tbh if someone had to do lots of overtime because the fa ivy was financiallynstruggling, I expect them to raise these in that way, not as ‘I demand you change your job because it’s not good enouugh’, whatever good enough might mean (incl it’s not ‘posh’ enough)

Does anyone dream of becoming a cleaner when they are little?

Are you kidding? Cleaning toys have always been popular with kids.

Do kids dream of becoming a Funeral Director? A Forensic Pathologist? A Mental Health nurse? A Sanitation Engineer?

No probably not but it doesn’t make any of them any less valuable to society - we’d certainly notice of there weren’t any!

I am also confused by the OP (like @tinkety on the previous page.)

On the one had, she said her DH wants her to better herself and have a rewarding career blah blah, and then she said it sounds like he wants her to be a SAHM.

So @whatihavetoputupwith - which is it?

Nevertheless, anyone who turns their nose up at someone being a cleaner is an insufferable snob. Some people are very happy doing 'unskilled labour' and having less stress at work. Not EVERYone wants to be a high flyer on the corporate ladder.

I know many people who worked in high management for a big company on £80-100K, and were constantly stressed, working 70 hour weeks, and constantly miserable.

Then they took on a supposedly menial job for (like cleaner/waitress/lobby work in mcdonalds,) for 16 hours a week on the national minimum wage, and they have never been happier.

What's also funny is how SOME people look down their nose at WOMEN having an 'menial job' (like a cleaner or barmaid or waitress,) but these same people don't look down their nose at men who do the same.

Low grade misogyny, that's what it is. Possibly even a bit of jealousy. Jealous because they have such a stressful high-flying job that they HAVE to do to support their 'illustrious' lifestyle.

On the one HAND, not HAD.

Get an edit button MN PLEASE!

I too would honestly be upset if this is all my dh wanted to be. Would you be ok for your DC to do the same?

My cleaning lady has a degree, but lost her job as a douanier in Poland when they joined Schengen. She now cleans in and around Brussels.

I admire her for doing it.

I have a friend whose husband is a military officer. She is a lollipop lady, school cleaner and dinner lady in the UK, as she needed jobs that fitted around the kids when he was away, and that were term time only.

Maybe your job isn't quite paying the bills? Perhaps your husband feels like he is under huge pressure as the main earner and needs you to pick up more of the strain?
I am the main earner in our house, bringing home about 3 times that of DP and I am terrified that if I were to lose my job, or not be able to work he could not cover the mortgage. Similarly to yourself he has the potential to earn more, but chooses not to as he enjoys his job and thinks job satisfaction is important. I find it frustrating that I dont seem to have the same luxury.

Nevertheless, anyone who turns their nose up at someone being a cleaner is an insufferable snob.

or maybe they want better from life than cleaning after people, who are generally pigs let's face it.

ow grade misogyny, that's what it is. Possibly even a bit of jealousy. Jealous because they have such a stressful high-flying job that they HAVE to do to support their 'illustrious' lifestyle.

actually, anyone can step down from their job and become a cleaner if they want to. Not every cleaner can suddenly walk in a different career tomorrow. Yes, some cleaners have built a successful business, but the majority won't . I don't care if you call me a snob, I didn't spend years at uni to waste my time cleaning after other people for peanuts. Cleaning doesn't teach you anything, doesn't challenge, is just an utter waste of time, or people wouldn't pay others to do it for them.

I do employ a cleaner, I don't look down at her, but I pay her because I can't be bothered to do it myself!

I have been a cleaner when I needed money when I was very young, and would do it again without hesitation if I had to. I just don't want to if I can do better. Each to their own.

Cleaning doesn't teach you anything, doesn't challenge, is just an utter waste of time, or people wouldn't pay others to do it for them.

What a load of old shite.

I employ a cleaner in my business (I don’t at home because I actually really enjoy doing it myself) the reason I employ them is not because it’s a waste of time but because someone who is a professional cleaner can do a better job in a shorter amount of time. Same reason I employ an accountant and a web developer, these are both skills I could do myself but I would spend way more time and therefore money than just paying someone else to do it.

Professional cleaning isn’t just wiping down surfaces and whipping the hoover around, many have specialist equipment too and it’s cheaper than buying it all yourself.

Also lots of cleaners work in teams so you can get a whole days worth of cleaning done in a couple of hours meaning you can do it before businesses open.
If I get a team of cleaners in on the morning I don’t have to then get one of my employees to spend all day doing it and they can do other things. It’s not because they are above cleaning it’s because if you want a job doing properly get a professional in.

I've done some pretty high powered jobs in my life- but so rod the most useful lessons I learned were when I was a waitress. Teamwork, management, cooperation, bullshit detection - loads of stuff. I've never seen such a collection of ignorant arses as I have on this thread.

When my sister had a second child, the child care expenses became more than her husband made an hour. He didn’t earn benefits either so it was definitely costing money for him to work. Finally after a year, he realized that he would need to stay home. They were Instantly better off. It also left her free to pursue advancements that required overtime and travel. In a perfect world, he wouldn’t have had to give up a job he enjoyed, but sometimes the money just isn’t there.

Is that the situation here?

@theonlyKevin

Oh dear. I am actually embarrassed for you!

OP, please ignore some posters on here who say you must suffer from self confidence issues just because you don't want to aim higher. If you're happy then it's nobody else's business. Or your arsehole husband's.

FYI, I just want to be a Receptionist. I don't want the opportunity to move up higher into a management role or whatever.

And I don't have self confidence issues. I know what I want. And so do you.

I didn't spend years at uni to waste my time cleaning after other people for peanuts. Cleaning doesn't teach you anything, doesn't challenge, is just an utter waste of time, or people wouldn't pay others to do it for them.

I don't think you should brag about the years you spend at uni whilst making a post that reveals you to be a fool.

Im a cleaner my work is flexible it fits around my kids yes I'm qualified and capable of more but my kids like to see me not a childminder

Cleaning is valid and important work. Both businesses and private individuals rely on it. In my experience people who are snooty about it would be the first to complain if the cleaners went on strike

Well quite! Including some of the snooty buggers on this thread

They would be first to whine if their preferred supermarket couldn't open because the cleaners refused to work. Seriously some of you need to have a word with yourselves.

OP tell your bloke to naff off with his whinging or tell him fine, if he can pick up a chunk of the life/house work and prove he can do it consistently then you'll think about it

Oh dear. sad I am actually embarrassed for you!

oh dear, am I supposed to care what a complete stranger thinks about me on an internet forum WinterfellWench

Professional cleaning isn’t just wiping down surfaces and whipping the hoover around, many have specialist equipment too and it’s cheaper than buying it all yourself.

well, yes, clearly, and you also earn a lot more in an hour than you pay your cleaners, otherwise it wouldn't be worth it. That's why people employ others, it works out cheaper for them. Nothing wrong with that.

Maybe he thinks you deserve better?
I can't think of any "better" job than one you love doing with colleagues who you get on well with and have a laugh with; all this and you get paid too.

in my experience people who are snooty about it would be the first to complain if the cleaners went on strike

what a stupid thing to say, if i pay someone to do a job, any job, I expect them to do it once they have accepted it. If they refuse, they are sacked and I employ someone else.
If your hairdresser was charging you but refusing to do your hair, would you accept it? Seriously

and you also earn a lot more in an hour than you pay your cleaners, otherwise it wouldn't be worth it. That's why people employ others,

That’s not how it works though, it’s also because she does a better job in a quicker amount of time.
I don’t earn more per hour than The person I pay to clean my oven but it takes me soooo much longer to do and I would do an inferior job.

It not just about money per hour but about how good that person is at doing their job.
It takes my window cleaner twenty minutes to do my whole house, it would take me all day.

Same with my bookkeeper, it takes her minutes to input data that would take me all day so it makes more sense financially to pay her to do it even though per hour she earns more than me.

Also I pay £13 an hour to my cleaner who isn’t through an agency so all the money goes to her. That’s not a bad hourly wage at for a job.

I'm also confused about your OP. Did you miss a bit or do you just jump to conclusions about him wanting you to be a housewife?

I must say, if I was working in a "proper job" and song over time while my DP earned pocket money on cleaning a few hours a week AND sent the DC to nursery, I'd be mightily unimpressed.

Yes cleaning is important and valuable work but at what cost to your family? As a PP asked, how much is actually left after childcare is paid? 50%? 20%?