Why is my husband so picky about my choice/employment?

[whatihavetoputupwith]

I am literally at the end of my tether. My husband works in a good post and earns good money, whereas I just work part time as a cleaner. Okay the money and job isn't great but I enjoy my team and I enjoy going to work. My son goes to a childminder which he enjoys very much! My husband without fail tells me I need to change my job because do I see myself doing this for the rest of my life? Why don't I want to progress in my career and why don't I just work somewhere better and earn better money? I clearly told him if he isn't happy then just piss off then he gets defensive about it! I said I will just fucking stay at home then and sounds like that's what he wants me to do! Is to be a housewife!

I am so, so pissed off that every fucking day he brings it up and I've had enough of it. He is the one who picks up overtime all the time when he doesn't even need to, I see to the house and do housework, shopping, taking DS to play group, I do everything but he still isn't happy. He wants me to do things according to him! But I refuse to do that. He wants me to change my hours and days if possible when I've already done that, I've already organised childcare as well which was difficult but now he is saying it isn't working!

My job ain't glamorous but it pays the bills and gives us all a comfortable life. I am feeling like I can't make him happy because of what I do. am I in the wrong here? Do I really need to sort my shit out and get a better job? Baring in mind I am not the most intelligent and I've got no qualifications (I do but they're not relevant). My job is the only social interaction I get as well as I don't go out and meet friends as I hardly have any, and I don't want to just talk to my husband all the time!

Cleaning is hard and demoralising

I don't agree. I would love to give up my altogether more complicated and responsible job to go cleaning. I am seriously considering doing so over the next three years. I need to be able to think about myself more, listen to the radio while I am working and start enjoying a less pressured job.

I think the thought of the downtrodden cleaner is a bit of a stereotype and suspect that a lot of them are happier than high flyers in reality.

I completely get where you are coming from OP. I’ve worked at every level from checkout operator to senior manager in a banking institute. The only job I’d go back to was a weekend shift position in a telecoms call centre that I did when DC were young and I was trying to be a SAHM but money was tight. The work was fairly repetitive but the hours suited, there was an element of challenge in doing a humdrum job to a high standard and I laughed with that team more than I had laughed since I left school. Working isn’t just about money and status, work/life balance is important too and it sounds like you’ve got it right.

Have you always been a cleaner or is this a more recent thing since having DC? Helpful to have more context so it's clearer whether from his POV this is about disappointment/lack of ambition or snobbery or what?

Cleaning is hard, demoralizing work, why is this the best you can do?

What a thoroughly ridiculous statement. Cleaning can be incredibly statisfying work. You see the positive results immediately. And if she likes her team and enjoys going to work - surely that is all anyone could want from a job?

Your OH sounds like he needs to wind his neck in.

I wanted to start a business cleaning but my DH wouldn't have it at all. He kept saying it wouldn't work etc but I KNOW it's because he'd be ashamed.

I am with him, I would be feeling pretty shit if my other half had to be a cleaner because we were that desperate for money. It's not embarrassing, it's just sad. Does anyone dream of becoming a cleaner when they are little?

If it really makes you happy and that's your dream job, well, yes, stick with it. Or have a think about what else you might possibly be interested in, would give you the same flexibility but would pay more, or be more challenging or at least rewarding.

What Winlinbin said, round where I live, cleaning earns much more per hour than admin/office jobs plus is more flexible, with more appreciation and usually less stress! I have an office type job but still do an odd bit of cleaning on the side occasionally as it's a nice little earner and quite satisfying! I hate snobbery. I think you need to have a stern word with him as he sounds as though he is bullying you.

Maybe if he is in quite a stressful post he is a little bit jealous of your PT job, which I assume you can leave at the door every day. It could be that he would prefer to have more evenly matched jobs hours and pay rise wise? But at the same time he should be supporting you in whatever you do. My husband actively encouraged me to stop working to take up a course in something I'm passionate about, which I really appreciated.

But the OP is being rewarded by enjoying doing her job and spending time with her colleagues! Why does everything has to be a challenge?

I’m not sure what to think her OP because this could be interpreted many ways.

I could be that he is nagging you as a way of manipulating you into never feeling you are good enough.

It could be that he’s worried about you doing physical work and would like you to have a less arduous job.

It could be that he feels that if you’re going to leave your child and go to work, at least do a job that’s “worthwhile” (in his eyes) or “going somewhere.” Maybe he thinks your child is more important than hoovering someone else’s floors, so he wonders if you’re using the cleaning job as a “doss job” or excuse to get away from parenting?

I don’t know, but it could be any or a combo of the above?

Does anyone dream of becoming a cleaner when they are little?

Yes, they do. As many people have said, cleaning can earn well compared to admin/office/sales jobs. You can often be flexible, be your own boss, and if you've the desire and ambition to do it, you can turn it into a cleaning company.

I'd not be at all bothered if my other half had a job that was satisfying to them and earned enough money, which it seems the OP does, regardless of what it was.

I am with him, I would be feeling pretty shit if my other half had to be a cleaner because we were that desperate for money. It's not embarrassing, it's just sad. Does anyone dream of becoming a cleaner when they are little?

What a nasty small minded snobbish thing to say.
For one OP doesn’t have to do it for the money she does it because she enjoys it and having something outside the home.

And two there’s nothing wrong with being a cleaner, it’s good, honest, practical work that is doing a job the world needs.

Why does everyone have to aspire to better themselves/live up to some wonderful ambition?

So the OP enjoys her job as a cleaner. Why shouldn’t she? It wouldn’t be for me but so what? If someone else wants to do it and enjoys doing it why should anyone else look down on that?

And for the record I wouldn’t want to work all the hours God sends for a six figure salary either. It’s not always about aspiring to be at the top either - for some people that works, for others it’s the middle ground and other people are happy in jobs which don’t involve much thought or ambition. We’re all different,and it’s not up to any of us to judge what someone else enjoys. And fwiw I always find the way in which some people refer to lower paid, part time work as “a little job” patronising in the extreme.

OP ask your DH what his problem is. And if it’s just that he’s embarrassed tell him to get over himself.

People agreeing on here with the OP's husband and saying 'I'd be upset too' or 'it's sad'. It's ridiculous attitudes like that that has helped create an entitled country that think hard work is beneath them. If not OP doing the cleaning then who do you think should do it?

My DM had this issue with my DF when she was a housekeeper, he thought she was better than that, but she loved it! She's not one now but not because of my DF, because she found something that paid more, that she enjoyed more. Stand your ground, if you like your job and your happy then fuck him!

Quite right mini

Cleaning is valid and important work. Both businesses and private individuals rely on it. In my experience people who are snooty about it would be the first to complain if the cleaners went on strike..
It brings in money, you can work flexible hours and enjoy spending time with your team. Honestly, it sounds great! It’s hard to find jobs which meet that criteria.

We are all just trying to pay our bills and have a decent work/life balance. There aren’t many jobs I wouldn’t do if I had a decent work/life balance and it allowed me to live comfortably.

Do you think he has an issue with how it makes him feel/look to other people?

Also posters talking about how embarrassing/terrible working as a cleaner would be - have a word with yourselves. Either you're far too worried about what other people think or a snob...or both!

Something doesn't have to be a 'dream job' to make it worthwhile doing- most people don't do their dream jobs, they do jobs that fit around the family, earn the right type of wage for quals and so on.

I know quite a few people who work as cleaners, I'd say that a lot of them do it for the flexible working hours ( you can pretty much chose your hours in lots of areas) and because it doesn't require particular quals but still pays slightly higher than min wage in lots of areas (unlike childcare or care where you may need NVQs/training).

You can walk in and out without taking your work home with you.

Our cleaner at work starts at 5 and finishes at 10am, it works perfectly for her as she's best in the morning and is able to do other stuff in the day.

I don't personally like being a cleaner, I've done it but I really lack the physical stamina, I'd rather waitress/serve in a shop which some other people might hate.

I wouldn't be putting up with these mean remarks daily, that's quite bullying. It's clear that getting out of the home, being in a team and bringing in your own money is all really important to you. He sounds like a critical and negative person- is he like this about other stuff?

Look at some of the replies here, op. This is why your DH is acting like he is and saying what he does- he's a snob just like them. It's not enough for him that you enjoy your work, that it pays the bills, that the hours and days you work suit you, that your son attends childcare which he enjoys and which you did all the arranging of, that you take on all the domestic and childcare duties in addition to working- for some reason, none of that matters as much as the fact that the job you do doesn't have much social cachet in some people's eyes.

Can he be clearer about what's bothering him? If he doesn't mind the job but wants you to change days/hours, why does he want that change? If he just wishes you weren't a cleaner because he thinks it reflects badly on him, tough. If he wishes you were more ambitious, is that because he wishes he could step back a bit from his career if things were more evenly balanced?

Perhaps he hasn't worked out what the childcare and other costs would be if you working different hours, more hours or whatever. Or the family costs if you worked evenings and the impact that would have on him e.g. doing every bedtime.

I'm not saying you have to change because of him, but I think it's reasonable to try to get to the root of what is really going on, and address it together. That might mean compromise on his side, or your side, or both. At least you would then both understand each other better.

Not trying to criticise you OP but maybe he doesn't consider you to be his social or economic equal. And that might matter to him.

should you not be asking him, not mn?

maybe your husband just wants better for you. I know I've always wanted to do better and progress in life, no matter how small the steps I take are.

Maybe he thinks you deserve better?

Not trying to criticise you OP but maybe he doesn't consider you to be his social or economic equal. And that might matter to him.

But he’d be happy for her to give up work entirely.
And he’s happy for her to do all the housework and sort the childcare etc.
It’s not like he’s offering to pull his weight there so she can get more qualifications etc, she just has to pull it out her arse.