Why is my husband so picky about my choice/employment?

[whatihavetoputupwith]

I am literally at the end of my tether. My husband works in a good post and earns good money, whereas I just work part time as a cleaner. Okay the money and job isn't great but I enjoy my team and I enjoy going to work. My son goes to a childminder which he enjoys very much! My husband without fail tells me I need to change my job because do I see myself doing this for the rest of my life? Why don't I want to progress in my career and why don't I just work somewhere better and earn better money? I clearly told him if he isn't happy then just piss off then he gets defensive about it! I said I will just fucking stay at home then and sounds like that's what he wants me to do! Is to be a housewife!

I am so, so pissed off that every fucking day he brings it up and I've had enough of it. He is the one who picks up overtime all the time when he doesn't even need to, I see to the house and do housework, shopping, taking DS to play group, I do everything but he still isn't happy. He wants me to do things according to him! But I refuse to do that. He wants me to change my hours and days if possible when I've already done that, I've already organised childcare as well which was difficult but now he is saying it isn't working!

My job ain't glamorous but it pays the bills and gives us all a comfortable life. I am feeling like I can't make him happy because of what I do. am I in the wrong here? Do I really need to sort my shit out and get a better job? Baring in mind I am not the most intelligent and I've got no qualifications (I do but they're not relevant). My job is the only social interaction I get as well as I don't go out and meet friends as I hardly have any, and I don't want to just talk to my husband all the time!

How much are you involved in the financial side of your relationship? He's doing "unnecessary" overtime and asking you to earn more money. Would changing days/hours mean that you wouldn't need to pay for a childminder?

My mum was livid when I applied to do cleaning at a hotel for work experience. Our local area had sod all in the way of gainful employment outside of tourism, and I thought, why not, I'll learn to clean. She arranged a holiday instead.

I learned how to properly clean from a volunteering post at uni instead. I was never going to learn at home, it's a shit tip. Now I have a cleaner. I have no idea why cleaning isn't more widely valued. In fact, we've got a lot of friends raising eyebrows at us for having one. They have lease cars, and sky tv. We have regular tv, an old banger, and a cleaner.

However, waffling aside... I think this problem goes back several years OP - did you not have conversations with each other about the kind of lifestyle you both wanted, the plans you had for life before you married? Have either of you changed your minds, changed that plan? That's allowed, but you need to talk to each other.

He's at fault for not saying what his real problems are and whinging like a stuck record. You're at fault for acting as if as long as you're happy it's ok. You're supposed to be a team!

You don't say how old you are but I'm a cleaner approaching 50. I love the work but I'm getting out in the next 3 years. I'm finding it really tiring. I'm doing a degree whilst working.
The thing is if you were ever alone are you financially self sufficient? If so clean away. If you think you'd find yourself struggling you really should think about learning new skills.

Sorry OP but your post is one big contradiction!

First you say “My husband without fail tells me I need to change my job because do I see myself doing this for the rest of my life? Why don't I want to progress in my career and why don't I just work somewhere better and earn better money?”

Then you say “I said I will just fucking stay at home then and sounds like that's what he wants me to do! Is to be a housewife!”

How does asking you to change jobs / progress in a career mean he wants you to be a housewife?

My job is the only social interaction I get as well as I don't go out and meet friends as I hardly have any, and I don't want to just talk to my husband all the time!

Again he’s asking you to change jobs so wouldn’t you just talk & interact with people in your new job?

OP is money tight? Does your husband wish more money was coming in or is the strain of being the main earner getting to him?

maybe your husband just wants better for you.

Honestly these replies

Better than having a job you like that pays the bills and works around your childcare?

Cleaning is valuable work. It's essential. It really ought to be better paid than it is.

But the issue here is finding out why your H is being so fucking tiresome about your job.
At the moment, while your DC are small, it sounds like you have pretty much the perfect job: pleasant colleagues, adequate money and hours you can fit round looking after DC. It might be the case that, as DC grow up, you fancy a change, but worry about that when it happens.
So is his problem the fact that money is tight and it would be better if you were able to earn more of it?
Is it that he thinks you should be doing something less... working-class?
Is it that he doesn't want you to work at all in case you get Ideas about having some say in how the family budget works?
Or could he be genuinely concerned that you're selling yourself short and may find it harder to change jobs if you spend too long doing cleaning work? What did you do before having DC?

The only way to find out is to discuss it with him. Of course it may be the case that he doesn't care what you do for a job, he just wants to keep on picking at you to make sure that you know your place.

I completely agree with MiniCooperLover. I wish I'd been less sniffy about jobs when I was younger. I ended up doing office jobs I absolutely hated.

It's a respectable job, you choose your own hours, it's flexible and you improve people's lives and wellbeing. There are not that many jobs you can say that about. I wish people would value anyone who does a job to their best ability rather than automatically valuing those who have so-called status jobs automatically. Someone can be a rubbish, lazy doctor, solicitor or accountant who doesn't keep up to date, isn't committed to the work etc. I know who I respect more,

At least the OP actually has a job. I’ve lost count of the numbers of people I’ve spoken to who end up unemployed and won’t apply for anything that they think is beneath them and would rather stay on the dole instead.

Friend’s dh was made redundant and when I asked about his looking for something she said that he was an engineer and wouldn’t be applying for anything else. Similarly another friend had been unemployed for around four years and when I pointed out some jobs locally where a friend worked and gave her contacts at my previous workplace so she could send her cv there if she wanted she said “thanks but those kinds of jobs just don’t excite me.”

If I were recruiting and had the choice between someone who had sat on their arse because they felt certain jobs were beneath them and someone who was prepared to do anything while looking for something I know who I’d employ.....

Had similar conversations despite having a very interesting and responsible job, it's just not a professional job (yes I did when we met but I changed to not for profit after having extended maternity leave)

I really can't believe the replies on here. Snobbery is alive and well on mumsnet eh?

What a depressing thread!

Agree with other posters, it's hard to know how to respond without knowing his motivation.

Is he frustrated because he thinks you could achieve more?

Is he worried about money long term and feels the pressure of being the main breadwinner?

Or is it a status thing and he doesn't like the fact you're a cleaner

Why does he think it's not working?

What does he realistically think you can do that will 'work' and how does he see this fitting in with childcare etc? If you did get a 'proper' (according to him) career would he be willing to share pick up and drop off at childcare and school and take time off for sick days and do half the household chores and meal planning and cooking etc

I think there is a lot to be said for being happy, so many people are stressed and hate their job so if you are genuinely enjoying it then I'd really think twice about doing something else to make him happy if he hasn't got a valid reason

Also was going to ask about what you used to do. If you had a high flying career in the city when you met him it might be tied in with how he sees you and can't get his head around why you like your current job

Why are so many people posting that cleaning is good because it fits round childcare, when the OP says in her first post that her DC goes to a childminder, so it doesn't?

It could be that your DH is a snob and is embarrassed about what you do, or it could be that he thinks you'd be better in a job with progression, that's not so physically demanding and is more secure (when money gets tight, cleaners are one of those luxuries that get cut).

Your post does read like you think this is the best you can do, it's this or unemployment. It could be that your DH is a twat who thinks this isn't good enough, or it could be he's trying to push you to realise you can acheive so more if you had a little confidence in yourself.

You know him OP, which is more likely?

I think the fact that he says he would be happy for you to ba a SAHM proves beyond doubt that when people ask him “what does your wife do?”, he is embarrassed to say that you’re a cleaner.
Tell him that if he is so ashamed of your role, he can lie and say you are at home with the children. This might force him to admit to himself and to you that he’s embarrassed. It might help him see how unpleasant that is for you.
If that doesn’t work, tell him you’re ashamed of him too - for his snobbery.

I had this exact problem with my ex when I did some cleaning for a few months to bring some extra money in.

He kept saying "you are better than that" when what he meant was "I am better than having a wife who is a cleaner". He felt it reflected badly on him that I had to go out cleaning as if it was demeaning. He would have been happy for me to work in a supermarket or behind a bar, which are both hard work NMW jobs as they are somehow not as "low" as being a cleaner.

As it happened I did leave because a new company took over the contract and treated us all terribly, but I made it quite clear it had nothing to do with him. Asshole.

My DD worked as a cleaner whilst at uni - it was pretty well-paid and her job title was Facilities Assistant. Maybe your DH would be happier to refer to your job by another title, instead of cleaner?

If you enjoy the work, and it pays enough, then sod him.

So much snobbery on here sometimes, it's depressing.

Actually, thinking further, if you are paying out for childminder anyway, how much are you actually making?

A low 'post childcare' income when it's holding a career going until DCs are older, or is getting experience that can lead to better paid jobs is easier to accept than hassle of 2 parents working, but without being significantly better off now or potential benefit in the future.

(Although it could also be that he's a snob)

Cleaning is an important job. Someone's got to do it and if OP enjoys it, that's all to the good.

Why don't you suggest to him that he help you set up a cleaning company, OP? You could carry on doing it yourself and employ someone else as well, maybe. Then he could tell his snobby colleagues that you own your own company. Who knows, it might grow into another Molly Maids!

It sounds like he’s being a bit of a snob and that your job doesn’t sound good if people ask about you. I know my DP wasn’t keen when I applied for a job as a dinner lady and has often said he doesn’t like the idea of me doing just any old job, as he wants me to succeed with my business. I think what he really means is that it sounds better to say his GF runs a business rather than she’s a dinner lady!

However, it’s not surprising that he reacts badly when you say I clearly told him if he isn't happy then just piss off then he gets defensive about it! I said I will just fucking stay at home then and sounds like that's what he wants me to do! Is to be a housewife

It must be wearing if he keeps on saying it, but try to get to the bottom of it with him, or if he’s generally a critical and controlling arse, ask yourself why you’re with him.

Perhaps you could try asking him what it is that bothers him, point out all the good things about your job, including that it gives him the flexibility to work overtime when he chooses. Without a huge amount of help it’s difficult for families to have two high flying business types, usually one has to take a bigger role at home and a lesser one at work. If he doesn’t like it, tell him that you’d be interested in swapping and see if he can imagine a world in which you have the successful ‘impressive’ well paid job and he has to fit in everything that you do and a full time well paid impressive job too!

To what extent is he concerned about money and is he justified in thinking that you could/should shoulder more of the burden?

You said he has a good job and a good income and works overtime.

You work part time as a cleaner.

You say your job pays the bills and gives you a comfortable life. I suspect it's his though. Maybe he's tired of taking the slack.

But he’d be happy for her to give up work entirely

I think the fact that he says he would be happy for you to ba a SAHM

Can someone please point out where her husband has said this? Have I missed an update?

My husband without fail tells me I need to change my job because do I see myself doing this for the rest of my life? Why don't I want to progress in my career and why don't I just work somewhere better and earn better money? I clearly told him if he isn't happy then just piss off then he gets defensive about it! I said I will just fucking stay at home then and sounds like that's what he wants me to do! Is to be a housewife!

As far as I can see, her husband has only ever asked her to get another job, not stay home, it’s the OP who says she’ll stay home & be a housewife rather than change jobs.

OP says her husband asks her everyday to find another job & at the same time is picking up “overtime all the time when he doesn't even need to”. To me it sounds like he does need to & there are maybe money issues at play.

OP’s husband has also asked her to change hours & days so I’m wondering if that’s to save on childcare expenses.

OP I wouod be looking at finding something that pays better.

NOT because your DH is right and you ought to do better and whatever crap he can saybut because that sort of controlling attitude wouod drive me bonkers and I wouod want to be sure I am finanacially independent so I couod tell him to f** off if I want to.

I understand all the talk about him rning most of the money etc etc. But that’s nitbthe reason why he wants the OP to do something else. Actually there doesn’t seem to be ANY valid reasons bar the fact he expects herbto jump when he says so.
He is benefitting MASSIVELY from her Woking part time and doing ALL the housework and parenting whilst he can do whatever he wants.
But he doesn’t seem to want to be grateful for that either....

I too would honestly be upset if this is all my dh wanted to be. Would you be ok for your DC to do the same?

It isn't what the OP is though, it's what she does for a living. You can be many more things outside of your work. Cleaning pays more than NMW and the OP enjoys it, which is more than I can say about my last job, which stressed me to hell and back but looked good on my CV.

Those people who don't want their spouse to be a cleaner will be continually, day in, day out, benefiting from the work of cleaners. It's an essential service and if some people want to do it and enjoy it, well isn't that better for all of us?