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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are colleagues overreacting or what?

340 replies

halfwitpicker · 04/12/2018 19:19

In the staffroom at lunch today. I was stood waiting for the microwave and one of the guys said:

'You have a hole in your dress'
'Oh really? Where?' I said.
'Here' and he touched the skin where the 'hole' was.

Now this dress doesn't really have a hole. It has a zip, then a gap, then a button.

I was like, what? And one of the women in the office said, 'it's supposed to be like that, that's the way the dress is made' .

I had a serious Hmm Wtaf look on my face.

Upshot is I left the lunch room and my (female) colleagues all said that words need to be had with him regarding inappropriate touching.

What's the MN jury on this one? He does have form for being odd, not sure that's relevant.

My reaction was instinct though - I was very much Wtaf are you doing touching my back!

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 04/12/2018 22:51

'Gerroff' might have been an appropriate reaction!

Binglebong · 04/12/2018 23:19

Personally I wouldn't worry about it this time but I WOULD be more aware of him generally. Don't assume the worst but keep an eye on his interactions with you and others. If he was behind you then you couldn't see exactly what he was doing- presumably that or previous actions made your female colleagues uncomfortable.

If you want to ask him not to touch you that's fine, it's not too late. Likewise if you want to leave it that's fine too. Just be aware.

Good luck with the new job.

Original poster
halfwitpicker · 05/12/2018 01:17

OK, so an update.

2 of the people who 'witnessed' it if you like actually told our line managers that he was inappropriate towards me.

We then discussed it and I said yes, I felt uncomfortable. Both colleagues said he overstepped the mark. They both said he had said /done creepy things before to them also, so not an isolated incident.

Not quite sure what's going to happen now, probably a tell off of some sort.

And the people saying “But you wouldn’t have seen where he was pointing!” - well... is there a reason why he couldn’t have said “It’s on the back of your neck” instead of touching OP?
^

And let's face it, why does he actually give so much of a fuck about a woman's dress? Confused

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/12/2018 05:38

Good god. Sounds like these women and you are out to get him.

I'm assuming he didn't stroke or caress, he simply jammed his finger in poked at the top of the neck to show you were he thought it was ripped.

Sounds like a witch hunt to me.

But at least the office gossips will like you op.

cariadlet · 05/12/2018 06:06

2 of the people who 'witnessed' it if you like actually told our line managers that he was inappropriate towards me.

Completely inappropriate. It was up to you to say something to your line manager if you wanted to. They shouldn't be sticking their noses into something that is none of their business.

Alfie190 · 05/12/2018 06:10

No wonder some women are scared to report abuse and harrassment

Actually no wonder women struggle to be believed, when drama queens like the OP make a big deal out of a fraction of a second touch of a finger tip. She is insulting everybody that has been a real victim.

AjasLipstick · 05/12/2018 06:17

Alfie your boundaries may be a lot lower than mine and OPs. I don't want ANYONE touching my skin without an invitation.

And that's my fucking right.

And OPs.

OP....make this twat realise his mistake. Your colleagues are obviously sick of him.

NopeNi · 05/12/2018 06:23

It sounds to me like you don't know how to "own" your own reactions yet - if you don't something then you don't need permission from others to object; you don't need to shrug it off endlessly with posts saying "I didn't mind but everyone else did" - please, please start asserting yourself more.

Also if the man is on the spectrum (so inept and oblivious, rather than creepy creep), I really hope they see/understand that and don't go overboard here in how they approach this.

EerieSilence · 05/12/2018 06:24

I had my male colleagues touching me and I touched them. No innuendos, no flirting, just being human. It is OK to establish firm boundaries on inappropriate contact but use your common sense. You asked, he showed you, it was your neck, not your crotch or chest.

strawberrisc · 05/12/2018 06:26

Clearly you should burn him with fire 🙄

NopeNi · 05/12/2018 06:30

Also, in case you were actually being sincere upthread - don't let the people at work manipulate you into saying something you don't feel in order to attack someone they don't like.

Hisaishi · 05/12/2018 06:42

Personally, I would not want any man (or, indeed, woman, but particularly a man) who I didn't know touching my skin. I would report it.

Maybe it didn't bother you. In which case, I probably wouldn't report it. That's fine. We all have our own boundaries for what is and isn't acceptable. It's no one else's business to tell you what your boundaries should be.

However, people who are saying it's an over-reaction need to realise that for a lot of women, touching skin uninvited is crossing a boundary. And again, it is no one's business but their own what that boundary is.

We'd all be a lot happier if we let everyone set their own boundaries, and if people actually respected those.

CaliHummers · 05/12/2018 06:54

It’s nothing

It's nothing to you. We will all have different standards and as I said upthread and as others have said, it's easy not to touch your colleagues. Save the huggy stuff for friends you know are just as tactile as you.

No wonder we have such a hard time convincing men to listen to us. We take a serious issue like assault and equate it to being touched on the back for less than a second.

No-one on here is seriously equating it to assault, that I can see. Many are saying they wouldn't like it and it didn't need to happen.

If some people on here had their way, they’d all be in jail if they breathed on you.

For someone accusing others of "hysteria" this is pretty far-fetched. It's also just a way to dismiss a serious point by misrepresenting it. No-one wants the guy jailed. What they want is to see this in context. he has form which the OP's colleagues are aware of. She's new. He could be trying to suss out what she will or won't tolerate. It could be innocent in that he could just be more tactile. But it could be him seeing what he can get away with. In which case, since what he did was unnecessary he can just be told not to do it again. The OP doesn't need to wait and see if he does actually grope her, she can just say "don't touch me, I don't like it" and since he's an adult, he can understand and respect that. "Well I don't mind being touched therefore I can touch you" is not an appropriate response. You have your boundaries, I have mine.

AjasLipstick · 05/12/2018 06:55

If the man is on the spectrum this will help him get some proper support at work.

Yura · 05/12/2018 07:02

I would think an absolutely minority of men (and quite a lot of women) have no clue a dress is supposed to be like that. he was clumsy and a bit awkward, but not inappropriate.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/12/2018 07:02

Sonfor some women it would be fine for others not that I understand. But if someone oversteps your personal boundary do you not tell them give them a chance to apologise and not do it again. If they then do it again take it further.

AjasLipstick · 05/12/2018 07:07

I agree that it's important to speak up but not everyone has that confidence and start saying "oh you should have said something when it happened" and you risk putting all the responsibility onto the woman it's happened to.

Yura Nope. Not buying that AT ALL. He would have been able to see clearly where the button was and where the zip began.

MaisyPops · 05/12/2018 07:07

It sounds to me like the 2 witnesses were just looking for another way to stir.

If you felt it was inappropriate and needed reporting then you should say something. Though in this situation i'd have said a quick comment at the time was an appropriate reaction, not reporting someone for being a perv.

Personally, this sounds innocent enough I've looked at dresses in shops, thought they were ripped or had a hole only to find its a stupid hole design feature. I'm not entirely surprised others might think the same.

Amanduh · 05/12/2018 07:09

Jesus Christ. He touched your neck. For fucks sake.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/12/2018 07:15

Wouldn't the sensible action be to take on board others opinions and see if he tries this again?

If he doesn't then it was him being helpful
If he does, a firm no and report.

WitchesHatRim · 05/12/2018 07:23

It was an excuse to touch you. What a fucking creep! He knew damn well it wasn't a bloody hole in your dress. What a sleazebag.

Know that for a fact do you? No thought not.

shirleyschmidt · 05/12/2018 08:18

Can't believe he's getting into trouble over this. It didn't sound like he DOES "give so much of a fuck" about your dress, merely pointed something out spontaneously. Probably severely regrets it. Why do your colleagues care so much on your behalf?? What a weird office all round.

Hisaishi · 05/12/2018 08:21

cali agree.

amunduh - but there was literally no need for him to do so. The thought of someone I don't know touching my neck makes my skin crawl. He wouldn't touch the neck of a massive 6ft4 bouncer, I'm imagining.

Hisaishi · 05/12/2018 08:22

shirley it's not the pointing it out though, it's the touching.

Andromeida59 · 05/12/2018 08:28

The OP is uncomfortable because someone touched her without her consent. She has every right not to want someone to behave in that way. It's up to the OP how she feels. YANBU OP.