To think this is rude?

[impossiblecat]

Me: do you want to do this thing at x time?

Friend: I'd love to, but can we make it Y time?

I then have to rejig everything, including naps. She does it every time! We both have toddlers. Humph.

This thread is funny.

There isn’t another way to explain it to you, OP.

What would you like her to say to your first text, if she genuinely can’t do X time but would like to hang out with you?

I'd prefer it if she just said she was busy as opposed to wanting me to rearrange stuff. That's it.

As in "I'm busy at x time. How about y time?"

This is probably one of the most frustrating threads I ever read 😂 if you have said yes to her new time suggestion every time how does she know that it doesn't work for you? Maybe she thinks your rude cause you always pick a time that's not suitable to her...

The sheer level of illogical thinking from the OP is driving me around the bend.

Omgggggg op stop seeing her she will have had a lucky escape - HARD WORK.

OP

Your friend wants to see you. She's said yes to you - both to the day and to whatever activity.

The only thing that doesn't work for her is the time, so she suggests another time - which you are free to say no to.

You are annoyed because she hasn't said yes to exactly whatever you've suggested.

It's you who won't compromise

But (from what you've said) she doesn't want you to rearrange things. She just wants to meet at a different time to your original suggestion.

That doesn't mean she wants you to rearrange. That doesn't mean she's being unreasonable. That doesn't mean she thinks her schedule is more important than yours.

It simply means that you need to tell her that her proposed time doesn't work for you. And then the 2 of you have a brief convo about what time works for you both.

Or you leave it to the DC to arrange - it might be easier.

But I have been re-arranging stuff! That's the point. I do, she never does - have you specifically told her that it's inconvenient to rearrange your stuff?

You're a real martyr, aren't you? This is all immaterial anyway, since you have chosen to no longer be friends with her.

And it's preferable to you if she just replies

" No, I'm busy"

Funny

So, to clarify
'Could we possibly meet at 2pm rather?' Is rude, but
'No, I'm busy.' Is not

See, I would think it was way ruder to just reply with 'I'm busy' and no offer of an alternative. In fact it was that kind of response that made me realise one of my friends didn't really value my friendship. I'd ask her if she was free to meet up and she would say she was busy and that was that. I would have loved it if she'd offered an alternative time and date as it would have shown she wanted to meet up, she just couldn't do that specific time.

YANBU OP. Surely if this was a common occurrence more of OPs friends would do this? EVERY single time OP invites the friend to do something, friend changes the time. I agree it would feel irritating.

If it's so normal, why aren't more of OPs friends doing it?

Oh my god this thread has made me so worked up it’s basically my cardio for the week.

No, you're rude for expecting the world to run at your schedule

So every single time you tell her the specific time you want to do it at?

Ever turned it around on her?

You: Do you want to do x?
I’d love to, what time?
You; What time are you thinking?
How about 3?
You: Oh I can’t, how about 4?

I have a friend who drives me crazy doing similar, so I now rarely meet up with her.

Me- where do you want to meet up? I’m taking the train into your city so I’m happy to meet anywhere around x or y.
Her- oh I dunno.
Me: ok how about ... offers 3 choices
Her. Hey, have you ever been to z (far from public transport, adds another hour to my journey)

Or
Me: I’m happy to meet by yours. What your favourite / local
Her: oh I’m bored of those. Let’s go somewhere new.
Me: ok, where did you have in mind...
her: oh I dunno. What do you think (she lives in the city, I don’t, she goes out 5x a week, I’m lucky if I get out 5x a month).

In the end she always suggests we meet at a costa to “figure it out”. Why?! We never do! And just sit at the Costa. But when I dare suggest we meet at Costa,....

I think we need to prepare for the apocalypse as cats can now use the internet as surely only an impossiblecat could be this contrary .

She probably has no idea it bothers you or that it messed up your plans to rearrange.

YANBU OP. Surely if this was a common occurrence more of OPs friends would do this? EVERY single time OP invites the friend to do something, friend changes the time. I agree it would feel irritating.

If it's so normal, why aren't more of OPs friends doing it?

Friend doesn't change the time though, friend says time OP offered isn't suitable and asks about an alternative. OP agrees then fumes because she CHOOSES to rearrange everything instead of telling friend that time isn't suitable.

So I said:

What would you like her to say to your first text, if she genuinely can’t do X time but would like to hang out with you?

and you said, OP:

I'd prefer it if she just said she was busy as opposed to wanting me to rearrange stuff. That's it.

So you’d text to say:

Me: do you want to do this thing at x time?

And in your ideal world, she wouldn’t say:

Friend: I'd love to, but can we make it Y time?

Instead she would say:

Friend: No, I’m busy.

Strangely entertained by this thread. OP, for clarity, could you give us an example of how the conversation goes? Can't figure out if you're BU or NBU but not explaining it clearly enough. Can definitely sense dozens of mumsnetters bashing their heads on walls though. Hang in there people!

I'd prefer it if she just said she was busy as opposed to wanting me to rearrange stuff. That's it

She is telling you she’s busy, she’s telling you exactly that.
You’re also not rearranging, you’re agreeing/confirming a time.
Do you know what rearranging is?
I think its probably a good friend if you don't see your friend

@impossiblecat when I feel I’m making all the accommodation for someone else, I turn it back on them.

So I had a friend I always cooked for and when I visited her we always got takeaway and split the bill. So after feeling annoyed about it I decided the time she came over I’d do the same and suggest takeaway.

And we got takeaway and split the bill and it was fine and she had no problem with it. And now that’s what we do, unless I really want to cook.

Your friend has a different schedule to you. When she nexts suggests something that doesn’t work for your schedule say “I’d love to, but can we make it [time]” just as she did.

She’s not rude unless she flips out on you for doing what she’s shown she thinks is fine. And which most mumsnetters agree is not rude.

OP why are you agreeing to a time that isn't convenient for you? That is why people are saying you are a martyr. Your friend suggests the new time and you just say OK. Why?

Are you one of those people who is incapable of doing anything on your own?

You suggest a time
It doesn’t suit her, she suggests a different time.
That’s the way basic communication works. It’s nothing to do with compromise on her part.
She has no idea that she is supposed to compromise, she’s just arranging a time.

If you said “how about 3, I’d have to change things around for any other time”, then she’d know, and she might actually compromise!

You’re not rearranging anything are you though? The time that you’re suggesting isn’t convenient for her, that’s all. If you’d prebooked something and paid for something in your name, had excited DC etc, but then she wasn’t able to make it I’d understand your frustration.