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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Completely shocked by BIL

278 replies

kelliejr · 04/12/2018 02:23

DH and I called round to his sisters house after work at 8.30 to pick up some tools to do DIY in our house. She told us she was putting their 4 year old DS to bed to her DH would be downstairs to answer the door, just knock on the patio.
When her DH answered there was a very strong smell of weed and he had clearly smoked judging by his voice and eyes.
Their DS and SIL heard us knock and called for my DH to come up from the patio to say good night... he told me there was no smell of weed upstairs thankfully. When my DH said to his sister "why the hell is there a smell of weed downstairs?!" She was quite defensive of her DH.

For some reason it's really upset me. To think my SIL was upstairs putting their DS to bed whilst her DH was downstairs smoking weed. I'm just a bit shocked. It's of course not my place to say anything but I could see on my DH's face it upset him too to think our nephew is in that environment.

I have no proof he smoked in the house, but the smell was quite strong so he must of smoked it not long before we called. Both of us are just a bit taken a back and not sure how to feel about it. We also don't know if SIL smokes it or is it just BIL.

Any advice? AIBU to feel annoyed/shocked? Do you think my DH needs to speak to his parents about it?

Please no nasty comments, I'm not on a witch hunt for these people as we have always gotten on well... which is probably why it shocks me more.

OP posts:
Chocolatedeficitdisorder · 05/12/2018 18:57

My Dd did a bit of pearl-clutching when she moved into her purpose-built student block and encountered a group of students smoking weed outside the building one evening. She was ready to email the building management and complain.

I told her to grow the hell up and mind her own business. I don't know where I went wrong with her.

TigerTooth · 05/12/2018 18:58

He's an adult, child was upstairs being put to bed. Maybe he'd had a tough day and was having a small smoke instead of a glass of wine.
There is some very nasty skunk about which is dangerous but there is also much milder weed. Hopefully he smokes the latter.

Happy marriage, happy healthy chid? None of your business to interfere, and what on earth is this "Should I tell her parents?" Why would you? I don't get it and unless there are other concerns then YABU.

Mrskeats · 05/12/2018 19:10

It's like having a beer. Drug apologists everywhere. Think the op would be better getting real advice somewhere else.

ToftyAC · 05/12/2018 19:16

So long as the kids are ok, I’d rather a toker than a pisshead.

Mrskeats · 05/12/2018 19:21

Toker or a pisshead These are the choices? How about neither?

lily2403 · 05/12/2018 19:23

Toker or a pisshead These are the choices? How about neither?

^
This

ViragoKnows · 05/12/2018 19:25

Drug apologists everywhere.

You should have seen the thread suggesting we drink too much in the UK. Angry Mners shouting and waving gin bottles as far as the eye could see Grin

Hohocabbage · 05/12/2018 19:59

I relax after a hard day by mumsnetting and a bit of Netflix. It’s not essential to drink, smoke or take drugs to relax. We aren’t talking about a party here just a normal day.

StrawberryDaiquiriPlease · 05/12/2018 20:04

It is illegal. It is a drug. Presumably SS wouldn't be very impressed. It is affecting their air quality! Of course that's awful. And was he smoking indoors? That's really inconsiderate.

nannykatherine · 05/12/2018 20:10

it’s ilkegal is it not

Jt123 · 05/12/2018 20:10

Seems like you should maybe just get a hobbie, I’m not being mean - it’s just sometimes if we have no drama or excitement in our lives we tend to make big deals out of little things or things that don’t concern us.

Vicky1990 · 05/12/2018 20:11

It is a sad sign of the times that people are accepting this behaviour as OK, it certainly is not, and no stupid excuses as he needs to wind down is reasonable.
He needs to grow up and behave like a responsible parent, there is no good outcome to this addiction and effect on the children's health.
And how much money is he spending on this crap, money that should be going to the welfare of the family, prat.
And to be defended by his wife, she is just as bad if not worse.

Banterlope · 05/12/2018 20:12

Whatever your opinions, in a couple more turns of parliament it'll be legal in the UK as well, just like all the other countries that are rethinking their stance (i.e.calculating the tax revenue) so within a generation or three it'll be as standard as going to the pub or drinking at home. I can't find anything to suggest that anyone has been killed by cannabis ever --unlike booze – I would have thought that most death or injury would result from criminals dealing the stuff in quantity doing each other a mischief. As a plant that grows naturally and needs no chemical refinement, that seems a bit nuts. As for the argument that some people can react badly to it (possibly mentally, although it might just trigger preexisting conditions), I know someone who gets anaphylactic shock from peanuts, so he doesn't eat them…

nomoremrsniceguy · 05/12/2018 20:24

Funny, i posted about a similar issue a couple of years ago. I got completely the opposite response. People were horrified and advising it was completely unacceptable.

Purplealienpuke · 05/12/2018 20:25

I do hope you're not planning an intervention OP?.
Seriously? You may well not approve of your BIL choice of relaxation techniques but what happens in his home is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
If you don't want your kids to go there based on one incident then that is your prerogative.
He obviously isn't a huge stoner if you or your dh have never noticed before.
Maybe try not to be so judgemental.

HildaZelda · 05/12/2018 20:36

Why would DH grass BIL up to his parents?

See what I did there? Grin

psicat · 05/12/2018 20:37

I used to smoke when younger, I also did a lot of work on substance abuse. To correct an earlier poster, it isn't hash that is the stronger type, its weed varieties such as skunk. These are the ones that have been linked to increased risk of MH problems etc - it's not so much that it "causes" MH like schizophrenia but that it can bring out dormant problems that may never have risen if not for the drug. This is usually following excessive use especially of the strong stuff.

It would be hypocritical of me to criticise someone for smoking after I did so for many years and I still don't have a problem with it - but.
Not with kids in house, you can get stoned from secondary smoke and even if they are completely separate there's enough evidence that normal smoking can cause problems like glue ear etc just from being on your clothes.
It is illegal, doesn't mean you are necessarily buying from hard core drug dealers unless getting skunk. There's lots of people that grow it themselves but it is still illegal in the UK (assuming that's where you are).
There is a difference between having a quiet spliff and getting stoned out of brain - exactly same as alcohol. But I wouldn't smoke a spliff (if I did that any more) with kids in house because of secondary smoke issues as said.

I don't think it's something to worry too much at this stage but no harm in being aware of it and mindful of potential problems. My friends who still work in substance abuse care have said they believe the stuff that is more readily available much stronger so it's not the same as having a smoke 20 years ago.
But equally if the kids are happy and healthy then it's probably not doing any harm. It is possible to have a middle ground, same as someone who has an occasional glass of wine compared to someone who always has a glass of wine

(and am aware that actually no amount of alcohol is "safe"...)

cariad73 · 05/12/2018 21:02

Good lord people. It’s basically going to become legal in your lifetime - just like is it now ALREADY in numerous other places in the world where people somehow manage not to become hard core drug addicts as a result.

The pearl clutching over this actually surprises me.

Vicky1990 · 05/12/2018 21:05

Having a glass of wine is not the same as puffing away on a joint that produces smoke that others perhaps have no choice about inhaling, Ie the children.
Any concerns about child safety are everyone's concern.

Rainbowark · 05/12/2018 21:06

The fact that you were shocked means that the 'environment' has never been an issue to you before nor have you had need to worry. So I think the idea that the child is in some way in a 'bad' situation is really being rather dramatic.

I really think it is not your business - it was bedtime and he was clearly not responsible for anyone but himself at that moment.

I have never smoked it - but my husband has one every couple of months once the kids are in bed. He earns well into a 6 figure salary holding down a senior career, ha no mental health issues and is one of the best hands on fathers I know. And is often complimented on his parenting by those close or not.

I think in this case you need to turn a blind eye and work on understanding that just because this is not something you do - it does not make it bad or put the child in danger.

ViragoKnows · 05/12/2018 21:07

Any concerns about child safety are everyone's concern.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=RybNI0KB1bg

masterandmargarita · 05/12/2018 21:08

So does that apply to cigarette smokers as well?

Banterlope · 05/12/2018 21:12

Smoking anything around kids is not good really, cigarettes, spliffs, pipes, bongs and cigars smell awful and make your house stink

ViragoKnows · 05/12/2018 21:15

Has anyone actually read the OP?

wafflyversatile · 05/12/2018 21:16

That weed is (currently) illegal but alcohol and cigarettes aren't isn't anything to do with the comparative harm each causes.
Would you be so appalled if he had a glass of wine on the go?

Tobacco smoke, assuming, that's how he was taking it isn't exactly great for children but neither are car fumes or rampant consumerism or being shouted at regularly or any number of things.

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