Completely shocked by BIL

[kelliejr]

DH and I called round to his sisters house after work at 8.30 to pick up some tools to do DIY in our house. She told us she was putting their 4 year old DS to bed to her DH would be downstairs to answer the door, just knock on the patio.
When her DH answered there was a very strong smell of weed and he had clearly smoked judging by his voice and eyes.
Their DS and SIL heard us knock and called for my DH to come up from the patio to say good night... he told me there was no smell of weed upstairs thankfully. When my DH said to his sister "why the hell is there a smell of weed downstairs?!" She was quite defensive of her DH.

For some reason it's really upset me. To think my SIL was upstairs putting their DS to bed whilst her DH was downstairs smoking weed. I'm just a bit shocked. It's of course not my place to say anything but I could see on my DH's face it upset him too to think our nephew is in that environment.

I have no proof he smoked in the house, but the smell was quite strong so he must of smoked it not long before we called. Both of us are just a bit taken a back and not sure how to feel about it. We also don't know if SIL smokes it or is it just BIL.

Any advice? AIBU to feel annoyed/shocked? Do you think my DH needs to speak to his parents about it?

Please no nasty comments, I'm not on a witch hunt for these people as we have always gotten on well... which is probably why it shocks me more.

It's legal in Canada and a large portion of America now. I really think the tide is turning. All studies show it's less dangerous than alcohol. There is the concern about the legal issue in the UK but other than that, it's not much to be worried about. It's the same as him pouring a glass of wine once the kids are in bed.

I hate the smell of weed. Makes me feel sick tbh.
I would be judging parents smoking near their dc, cigarettes or weed.
You do sound a little hysterical but I guess it’s maybe shock?

Do you really want to start a family feud and cause massive upsets? NO? Then learn to mind your own business, and fast. Telling tales wins you no friends, because it demonstrates that you are completely untrustworthy, officious and self-righteous.

Given it has ‘shocked’ you, I assume they don’t always appear to be off their heads.

Given you’ve had no concerns about the care of your DN I assume they’re not neglecting him.

...so what is this ‘environment’ you’re so hand wringy about? An adult having a ‘smoke’ once the DC are in bed?

Are you this hand wringy about a parent having a beer or glass of wine?

....as for ‘telling her parents’ 🤣😂🤣 are you serious?

Meh. My SIL smokes weed. When I go to her place, I smoke it, too. The kids are off upstairs doing something else and we're out in the garage.

Ah yes, weed

One of the chosen illegal drugs that MN has collectively decided is fine / socially acceptable / "it's only" / etc

Op I'm with you - I have no idea about the family circles where this would be acceptable!

Why would he speak to his parents about it? Surely he would speak to his sister or BIL if he’s concerned?

Well wouldn't it have been nicer if he'd been upstairs putting his child to bed rather than having some illegal me-time downstairs?

I wouldnt want to be part of the criminal and exploitative chain that has led to me being able to purchase the drugs tbh.

OP. I would get you DH to speak to his sister.

Say he was shocked.
Say none of his business what they as adults choose to do but concerned for child and would feel terrible if didn't at least ask.
Ask for reassurance it only happens when the child isn't around and not when on duty for childcare.

The same as he might do if BIL had been paralytic drunk when the DC was being put to bed.

Then don't let your DC have sleepovers there without reassurance no weed even in the house.

I’m shocked someone would do that while their children are in the house. I hope it’s stored safely like medication ought to be. I’d also be concerned they don’t have a leg to stand on in future if their child gets involved in drugs or drinking to excess. A friend of mine was caught out this way: once their teen worked out the parent was a massive hypocrite there was almost nothing in their arsenal by way of discipline.

What on earth would telling his parents achieve? Other than a lot if drama and upset?

You're shocked, that's understandable if you had no indication that he smoked before. But that's good surely? Obviously BIL is not some movie stereotype of a stoner, he's just a normal guy relaxing at the end of the day with his drug of choice. As other pp's have said, plenty of people wind down with wine or beer, why is weed so different (other than being illegal, at this point in time).

Process your shock and move on, it's really none of your business if it's not affecting your DN.

Mumsnet always amazes me with its double standards, Canabis is okay in countries where it is legal and regulated. In the UK it is not OK, it’s and illegal unregulated drug, purchasing it her is dont in shady back alley deals, it is putting money in the pockets of dealers who dont just deal in canabis but all manner of illegal life destroying drugs and the kind of criminals that go around stabbing people in turf wars. But hey that’s okay because after all it’s just weed.

Just wow at some of these responses! So now it’s OK for one parent to be taking an illegal drug while the other puts a small child to bed ? Not in my family or social circle it isn’t. I don’t know what to say to you OP but I would share your concerns.

It's scummy tbh.

Not in my family or social circle it isn’t.

OMG! Call SS! Call the police!

It's scummy tbh.

In what way? What does that even mean?

@Stormtrooper1986 it's been a long time since I've had any experience of anyone I know even smoking it but it being "in their system" doesn't mean they're still stoned. Of course I wouldn't let someone stoned drive my children, neither would I let someone who was drunk. He wasn't driving his children, they were being put to bed.

I think the mental health repercussions tend to be caused by people smoking it a lot/ mixed in with other drugs which is a bit of a leap to make from smelling some weed on someone when their children are in bed. I wouldn't be overjoyed about this situation but I wouldn't be overly concerned about it either TBH.

I'd maybe just keep an eye if it's not something you've ever noticed before the odds are it isn't a regular occurrence.

Firstly, for the record I am in my late fifties and haven’t ever smoked weed or anything else for that matter, I’ve never done any sort of illegal drug and I have never allowed people to smoke or use them in my house. That being said I do think you are overreacting OP. Smoking weed doesn’t necessarily make you an unfit parent anymore than having a couple of pints at the pub on the way home or inviting a mate round to share a bottle of wine on a Friday night.

As someone has said upthread, cannabis is legal now in many places and we may well follow suit at some point in the future.

so had to be obtained by illegal means

Or grown at home, cutting out the dealer ?

Do you think my DH needs to speak to his parents about it?

Oh come on now. How old is this BIL? 12? Of course you dont tattletale to Mummy & Daddy.

You’re surely pulling our legs?

Drugs is scummy. I don’t have time for people like that.

None of your business!

I smoke it.

If you’re smoking to get high (which is the whole point), it’d take me the equivalent of 7 drinks. Yes, that includes “just taking the edge off”.

I would not be that high/drunk around kids tbh. My mum used to smoke it, but save it for when we were spending the weekend elsewhere.

It's illegal, as it should be, and no, it's not a normal or acceptable pastime in the slightest. Your DH should probably have a word with his sister.

Why does DH need to tell his parents?