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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Completely shocked by BIL

278 replies

kelliejr · 04/12/2018 02:23

DH and I called round to his sisters house after work at 8.30 to pick up some tools to do DIY in our house. She told us she was putting their 4 year old DS to bed to her DH would be downstairs to answer the door, just knock on the patio.
When her DH answered there was a very strong smell of weed and he had clearly smoked judging by his voice and eyes.
Their DS and SIL heard us knock and called for my DH to come up from the patio to say good night... he told me there was no smell of weed upstairs thankfully. When my DH said to his sister "why the hell is there a smell of weed downstairs?!" She was quite defensive of her DH.

For some reason it's really upset me. To think my SIL was upstairs putting their DS to bed whilst her DH was downstairs smoking weed. I'm just a bit shocked. It's of course not my place to say anything but I could see on my DH's face it upset him too to think our nephew is in that environment.

I have no proof he smoked in the house, but the smell was quite strong so he must of smoked it not long before we called. Both of us are just a bit taken a back and not sure how to feel about it. We also don't know if SIL smokes it or is it just BIL.

Any advice? AIBU to feel annoyed/shocked? Do you think my DH needs to speak to his parents about it?

Please no nasty comments, I'm not on a witch hunt for these people as we have always gotten on well... which is probably why it shocks me more.

OP posts:
bullyingadvice2017 · 04/12/2018 15:36

I know loads of "smokers" a fair amount are parents.
Good, normal, working parents that juggle swimming on a Monday, football on a Thursday and Saturday and all the other day to day parenting duties, they do normal jobs. Social worker, research scientist, retail workers, NHS staff, teachers, even a bloody award winning primary school head! All have fully functioning lives, and contribute to society in a positive way. All own houses outright or mortgages, they are just normal everyday people,

So I don't really think there's any reason to be so horrified. all the folk in here saying no one in their circles smokes it and they would always know if someone had been as it stinks so much, all of them will know someone who smokes on occasion.

DGRossetti · 04/12/2018 15:41

bullyingadvice2017

Seems you don't get it Grin ...

NorthEndGal · 04/12/2018 15:46

I'm glad I live in Canada where it is legal.

TheMadGardener · 04/12/2018 15:49

I used to be a primary teacher. I've had the scenario before now where a small child has arrived at school with hair or clothes smelling of weed, or you open their book bag and the books smell of weed. The smell is pretty pervasive if it's regularly used in the home. Same with tobacco - you would get kids whose hair and clothes and books stank from their parents' smoking.
The difference is that if a child smelt of weed I'd always have to fill in a safeguarding concern form. And a safeguarding referral would be made. So parents should be aware of that.

I'm not opposed to people smoking in their own home, as long as kids aren't exposed. But, as others have said, skunk can do a lot of MH damage in the long term. And drug driving can be just as dangerous as drink driving, and can kill.

KellyW88 · 04/12/2018 15:57

Not the Devil’s lettuce?! In all seriousness I understand it may have been a shock and I do suppose if smokers of tobacco are told not to smoke indoors or near their children surely that should extend to those who smoke cannabis.

However if your nephew is happy and well cared for I can’t see much of a reason to raise alarm bells unless he shows other concerning behaviour you may think is linked to his consumption.

I have a cousin who’s DH is an ex cannabis smoker and he never let this affect his work or home life, just his way of unwinding as many do with a glass of wine - but once my cousin fell pregnant with their eldest he stopped, took a while and he would sometimes have to disappear to the shed outside in the early months, but he never did it near her and managed to come off it completely by the time their first DC was born.

This is not the case for everyone of course but I asked my cousin when we noticed and withheld judgement and simply asked “are you okay with it?” She answered calmly “yes” and explained why and that was all we could do. If you worry that DN or SIL are suffering try and reach out peacefully first and do your damndest not to show any signs of judgment! (Easier said than done - trust me)

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 04/12/2018 16:08

Having just witnessed a man staggering down the street, stopping to piss in a doorway (I live near a 'spoons...), I'm laughing like a drain at the idea weed is "scummy". But yeah, it's almost Mummy's gin time...

recovery18 · 04/12/2018 16:13

I don't understand why it would enter your mind to "Tell the parents" as though you are talking about naughty children Confused

Agree with PP - if the child or their belongings smells of weed this will get picked up at school as a safeguarding concern and referred.

magoria · 04/12/2018 16:15

If you decide to tell the parents be prepared to never be invited to their house any more or having anything to do with their DC.

LegoAdventCalendar · 04/12/2018 16:17

And drug driving can be just as dangerous as drink driving, and can kill.

Definitely! Glad it's now standard to field test for drug driving, too.

clairedelalune · 04/12/2018 19:54

I can't believe the number of people who think it is ok. It is an illegal substance.

ViragoKnows · 04/12/2018 20:36

We’re not discussing whether drug use “is okay”. This is about whether OP ahould intervene in the situation described.

DocusDiplo · 04/12/2018 21:56

Appalled no one seems to care when other things in MN, like driving 80mph on a motorway for example, seem to be hangable offences!

PhaedrasChocolate · 05/12/2018 01:37

I get so pissed off at these threads. The absolute fuss made over a bit of weed, when thousands of posters here think nothing of boozing every single night of their lives. Wine o'clock, anyone?

Yes, cannabis is illegal. Yes, it can have an effect on mental health issues.

But by god, it's in no way comparable to the destruction and grief caused by alcohol.

halfwitpicker · 05/12/2018 01:44

See if he lived in Canada it'd be legal 🇨🇦

halfwitpicker · 05/12/2018 01:44

But by god, it's in no way comparable to the destruction and grief caused by alcohol.

^^
Yup

anitagreen · 05/12/2018 01:46

Get a grip honestly

brookshelley · 05/12/2018 02:08

The absolute fuss made over a bit of weed, when thousands of posters here think nothing of boozing every single night of their lives. Wine o'clock, anyone?

I've seen many comments on MN saying if you don't let your 16 year old drink alcohol at home they will do it secretly in the park so don't be uptight. Even though it's illegal to drink spirits at that age or to drink other than at a table dining with adults.

PhaedrasChocolate · 05/12/2018 02:15

Because they want to normalise it. The problem is, it IS fucking normal. I hate drink.

The smokers, though - they're the devil incarnate.

notangelinajolie · 05/12/2018 02:41

Well don't they sound like perfect roll model parents. I don't know what kind of world some Mumsnetters live in that think illegal drugs are perfectly fine and dandy. It's certainly not the norm in my bubble.

OP I would absolutely be shocked and horrified if I knew my niece or nephew were being subjected to inhaling weed because idiot parents who are supposed to be protecting and caring for them think that it's ok to do drugs. Even if the mum isn't actually smoking herself she is just as bad as she is choosing to put her child in harms way. And what kind of stupid person thinks that the smoke won't reach upstairs? One thing is for sure - at school the poor kids and their clothes will stink and their teachers will report it if they believe the child is at risk.

Hohocabbage · 05/12/2018 07:09

See, I'm capable of making a fuss over smoking weed and drinking alcohol on a nightly basis. Not everyone is being hypocritical.

BusterGonad · 05/12/2018 07:22

I can't abide smoking in the house, that is definitely not on, but I'd be more concerned with a parent who drank 2 bottles of wine a night then one that smoked a joint (not in the house).

brookshelley · 05/12/2018 07:45

See, I'm capable of making a fuss over smoking weed and drinking alcohol on a nightly basis. Not everyone is being hypocritical.

Where does it say he does it on a nightly basis?

No one is saying you as an individual are hypocritical. MN as a collective is. But that's because the UK has a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol.

Hohocabbage · 05/12/2018 07:58

I was referring to the alcohol being nightly.
I don't think mumsnet has a collective voice actually - post the same thread twice and you get a different set of opinions.

DGRossetti · 05/12/2018 08:55

I don't think mumsnet has a collective voice actually - post the same thread twice and you get a different set of opinions.

Obviously ... however the trend might be consistent Hmm

Hohocabbage · 05/12/2018 09:18

Well that's what I was disagreeing with! I think not just different views but a different trend if you like apears depending when you post. Also we are all subject to confirmation bias so can think a thread is "for us" or "against us" when that is not the case.

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