Completely shocked by BIL

[kelliejr]

DH and I called round to his sisters house after work at 8.30 to pick up some tools to do DIY in our house. She told us she was putting their 4 year old DS to bed to her DH would be downstairs to answer the door, just knock on the patio.
When her DH answered there was a very strong smell of weed and he had clearly smoked judging by his voice and eyes.
Their DS and SIL heard us knock and called for my DH to come up from the patio to say good night... he told me there was no smell of weed upstairs thankfully. When my DH said to his sister "why the hell is there a smell of weed downstairs?!" She was quite defensive of her DH.

For some reason it's really upset me. To think my SIL was upstairs putting their DS to bed whilst her DH was downstairs smoking weed. I'm just a bit shocked. It's of course not my place to say anything but I could see on my DH's face it upset him too to think our nephew is in that environment.

I have no proof he smoked in the house, but the smell was quite strong so he must of smoked it not long before we called. Both of us are just a bit taken a back and not sure how to feel about it. We also don't know if SIL smokes it or is it just BIL.

Any advice? AIBU to feel annoyed/shocked? Do you think my DH needs to speak to his parents about it?

Please no nasty comments, I'm not on a witch hunt for these people as we have always gotten on well... which is probably why it shocks me more.

Not all weed is the same. Skunk is the one which can trigger schizophrenia in large quantities. Most weed smokers won't be using skink, they'll be smoking the normal crap. I used to share a house with a weed smoker who actually held down a very good job, and used it to wind down at the end of a hard day (child protection). She was fine, really, you'd not know she did at all if you were with her during the day.

It's one reason I'm in favour of legalisation. You'd then have some sort of quality control at least, not to mention a lot of tax.

I get why you’re shocked, tbh. If you aren’t involved in illegal drug taking yourself then it’s completely outside your sphere of knowledge and possibly does get linked to ‘serious’ drugs in your own mind. If you’ve never suspected anything about the person before, you start to doubt your own judgement on the sort of person you perceive them to be. Someone you trusted around kids, someone you thought was decent. It’s not unreasonable to be shocked.

It may not be as bad as other, legal drugs, but it is still illegal. If I did what op’s bil did and smoked weed, I could lose my job, and so could my dh. This is true of many jobs and employers. My concern would be that there are ramifications beyond the immediate drug use which affect the children should that happen. Not to mention they are funding criminal activity. That really doesn’t sit well with me.

But I don’t think I would say anything to their parents tbh. I might drop into conversation about someone losing their job at my workplace over drug use should the issue come up, but really, all it’s going to do is start a family row. So keep an eye on behaviours, if it happens to escalate then maybe step in, and otherwise stay out of it. My children would not be spending time with them alone.

@worralliberty his sister was breaking the law by allowing her husband to smoke it in her presence instead of reporting it.

Oh please! Report it to who? The Police? What exactly do you think they'd bother doing about it?

If he walked past a police officer in the street while smoking a joint, they'd just tell him to put it out and give him a quick search.

Seriously, lost dogs take higher priority nowadays.

And even if his sister was breaking the law (which she absolutely isn't), again it's got fuck all to do with her brother.

My SIL has smoked it most of her adult life. She's now in her 50s and barely functioning. Small decisions take her months to make, she's chaotic and disorganised and works part time only as full time is too much for her. Her life takes place in slow motion and DH can't deal with her apart from in very small doses.

Seeing the way her brain has deteriorated over the years is horrifying. The fact that this drug is being legalised terrifies me.

I don't think this is OK. Same as I don't think it's OK to smoke tobacco around children. Even if it's smoked outside the house the smoke clings to the smoker and exposes children to it.

Sounds no different to how alcohol affects a lot of people Lizzie

Not that it makes it any better, but the responsibility lies with the drinker or smoker.

"but there seems to be an element of moral panic to you post which I think is unnecessary." Let me guess you're a cannabis user yourself either now or in the past.

"and many people these days don't see weed as any "worse" than drinking." And they're wrong. It is still an illegal drug that is unregulated and can have serious effects on the user.

"Studies have found no detrimental effects to health unless it's 'hash' which is the cheaper alternative which has been linked to psychosis after long term use." Where you getting that from? First time use can and does lead to psychosis and other MH issues.

There's also the issue of smoking in the house generally (weed or tobacco) and secondary smoke effects on the child. That would annoy me too.

I'd be thinking it's worth your dh speaking to his sister to see how she really feels about it, if she's doing the same, how often etc.

Personally in your position I'd not be letting either of them care for any child of mine and I'd be keeping an eye on sil & the child for their own wellbeing.

The point is it is still illegal (though you'd be forgiven for thinking otherwise given the lax approach even from police now which I don't agree with).

As pp said driving is also a concern, drug driving especially under influence of cannabis is on the rise and it's just as dangerous and irresponsible as drink driving.

"Adult weed smokers will defend and miminise like crazy" yep see that on here SO much

"One of the chosen illegal drugs that MN has collectively decided is fine / socially acceptable / "it's only" / etc" exactly!

"Mumsnet always amazes me with its double standards, Canabis is okay in countries where it is legal and regulated. In the UK it is not OK, it’s and illegal unregulated drug, purchasing it her is dont in shady back alley deals, it is putting money in the pockets of dealers who dont just deal in canabis but all manner of illegal life destroying drugs and the kind of criminals that go around stabbing people in turf wars. But hey that’s okay because after all it’s just weed." Totally agree!

"I think the mental health repercussions tend to be caused by people smoking it a lot/ mixed in with other drugs" not always true, plus as its unregulated users don't necessarily know if there's other substances included.

"Or grown at home, cutting out the dealer ?" Still illegal and while it cuts out the unregulated factor, also means the grower could be done for possession, production even supplying if they're even giving it to anyone else.

"It also is far less likely to lead to violent or unpleasant behaviour." Not necessarily true given the MH implications.

All this "no worse than alcohol" as the child of an alcoholic and having witnessed first hand the effects of cannabis use on relatives and their families, both awful drugs that wreck families & their users health. People are more aware of potential issues with over indulgence of alcohol, cannabis has similar effects with lesser use and changes brain chemistry quicker leading to addiction.

Speaking to Dh's parents would likely be pointless and just cause arguments and achieve nothing sadly.

"but there seems to be an element of moral panic to you post which I think is unnecessary." Let me guess you're a cannabis user yourself either now or in the past.

Dont be silly. I for one agree about the air of moral panic on this thread and I've never smoked anything at any time.

I have seen lots of MC people who prefer a spliff to gin and are functional, though.

Smoking in feont of a child would obviously be bad, but there’s no evidence that’s happened.

Maybe people would find it easier to relate to a story in which a deadbeat BIL got pissed while his missus put the kids to bed.

Not a weed smoker, so I'm personally invested in this.

I know lots of parents who smoke weed - they're fine and they're great parents. And quick research from reputable sites will tell you weed smoking isn't necessarily a big deal. But it is a drug and it just depends on the way it's used that makes it a problem or not.

A spliff in the evening (is it still called that?!) probably isn't a huge deal. Super strength skunk in the morning might be, though!!

If I was weed smoker I'd be more worried that my kids might tell the teachers about 'mummy's funny smelling cigarette!)

As an aside, someone mentioned mental health and weed - I worked in the mental health services for a long time. Correlation isn't causation, so I don't think it's clear whether cannabis causes mental health problems or whether people with MH problems are just more likely to drink/smoke and generally self medicate.

*"its illegal"

Stop conflating legality with morality.

Slavery was legal, as was the persecution of the Jews, alcohol was once illegal in the U.S.*

Exactly this! I'm not a smoker (of anything) but I do think it's weird that alcohol which literally kills thousands of people a year and is a factor in half of violent crimes and that's perfectly fine apparently, but a little bit of weed and people lose their minds.

Not to mention the fact that it's completely legal to have and use it if you have a prescription for it. There are several conditions which you can get it for, like cancer, MS, epilepsy and chronic pain. Maybe he's actually not breaking any laws at all and is really suffering and in need of support not judgement?

Ime (there are a lot of weed smokers in my town and the neighbouring villages - v middle class, boaarding school types) dealers of weed deal in weed. It seems to be so round here. Probably different in London and other cities, but on the outskirts here, that's how it is. Many of the dealers grow so perhaps that makes the difference, they don't have to go to the sort of criminals who do deal in other stuff.

Most deals are done in the dealer's front room. No dark alleys, no knives.

I did once, briefly, know a coke dealer. That was when I lived in London. He got out of the game when he found himself in a place surrounded by guys with guns.

Weed dealing is pretty dull round here.

NB I don't touch the stuff myself, hate it all.

Most things that are illegal can easily be described as immoral, or at least not beneficial to the social contract (driving on the right is not immoral per se, but if you do it you are likely to kill someone, which would be).

We are also all perfectly capable of judging behaviour to be less than ideal even if it is legal and not immoral.

I think it is really sad that smoking weed seems so acceptable these days, that and social use of cocaine.

And this is from someone that sniffed glue in her teens not some pearl clutching middle aged prude.

To many, recreational drug use seems to be absolutely fine in grown ass adults with dependants and responsibilities.

YANBU OP.

Stop conflating legality with morality.

I don't think anyone is. Did anyone say it was wrong? They pointed out that it was illegal and implied that as such it should be avoided, particularly if you have children, presumably because a criminal record is undesirable.

I mean, if the law were to not consume walkers prawn cocktail crisps, under pain of a possible fine, criminal record and up to two years in prison, it'd be a stupid law. I'd still leave the crisps alone though. And prawn cocktail crisps aren't as potentially damaging as cannabis.

Speak to his parents? Seriously?

I don't do it but I don't see the outrage really as long as DC aren't being exposed to it (which it sounds like they aren't).

Unfortunately for a percentage of people, smoking weed leads to schizophrenia and can ruin lives. Your brother in law may be fine but his children, if they were to take up the habbit at an early age then they could certainly develop serious life long mental health problems.

You will get a lot of people saying there is no evidence for that and it is better than alcahol blah blah blah. I can believe that there are plenty of people who smoke weed and do not have any negative health problems. But there is a minority for whom the effects are life changing and for that reason it can never be worth the risk.

The kids will see it as acceptible and may (or may not) try it themselves before their brains are fully developed. If they are genetically vulnerable their lives could be devastated.

I know MN generally has a very anti weed attitude, but I personally don’t think it’s a big deal at all,

Before you discovered the weed smoking, we’re you happy with the level of care the children receive?
I don’t like weed, I think it takes people’s backbone and passion away. I also don’t like drugs around kids. But the bottom line is my first question, we’re you worried about the kids before your discovery?

Why are some people asking about the comment op made regarding telling his parents.... They could possibly ground him, take his phone off him, xbox etc

Unfortunately for a percentage of people, smoking weed leads to schizophrenia

Do you have a source for this?

@banterlope the talk to Frank page says something similar.

The fact that this drug is being legalised terrifies me.

Long-term alcohol abuse has similar effects to what's happening to your SIL and that's legal.

Personally I think all 'drugs' should be legalised, then regulated and taxed the way the drugs alcohol and tobacco are.

Never understood why people refer to them as 'alcohol and drugs'. Alcohol is a drug.

I agree about the skunk, though, grass and hash were so much nicer.

"I worked in the mental health services for a long time." Doing what? The nhs accepts there is a causative link in some people with cannabis, psychosis, schizophrenia and other mental illnesses.

Alcohol is now well acknowledged to be harmful and societally negative for many reasons. Part of the reason taxation is high on alcohol and cigarettes is to discourage use.

Why then as a society are we so keen to add yet another harmful drug into our lives it makes no sense.