Completely shocked by BIL

[kelliejr]

DH and I called round to his sisters house after work at 8.30 to pick up some tools to do DIY in our house. She told us she was putting their 4 year old DS to bed to her DH would be downstairs to answer the door, just knock on the patio.
When her DH answered there was a very strong smell of weed and he had clearly smoked judging by his voice and eyes.
Their DS and SIL heard us knock and called for my DH to come up from the patio to say good night... he told me there was no smell of weed upstairs thankfully. When my DH said to his sister "why the hell is there a smell of weed downstairs?!" She was quite defensive of her DH.

For some reason it's really upset me. To think my SIL was upstairs putting their DS to bed whilst her DH was downstairs smoking weed. I'm just a bit shocked. It's of course not my place to say anything but I could see on my DH's face it upset him too to think our nephew is in that environment.

I have no proof he smoked in the house, but the smell was quite strong so he must of smoked it not long before we called. Both of us are just a bit taken a back and not sure how to feel about it. We also don't know if SIL smokes it or is it just BIL.

Any advice? AIBU to feel annoyed/shocked? Do you think my DH needs to speak to his parents about it?

Please no nasty comments, I'm not on a witch hunt for these people as we have always gotten on well... which is probably why it shocks me more.

Lol what did I just read?

It's absolutely fine for dad to have a spliff in the garden. In some countries it's just like having a beer to unwind.

Smoking cannabis is less dangerous than drinking alcohol in many ways. It also is far less likely to lead to violent or unpleasant behaviour.

I have also had experience of people hving adverse mental health outcomes from weed smoking I'm not particularly a fan of it for that reason - but - it's certainly no worse than alcohol and across the UK does far less damage than the huge abuse of alcohol we see daily.

It’s illegal. End of story

Can you imagine the conversation: 'Sis, I know you're smoking weed! I'm telling Mum and Dad!' She'd probably start laughing. My SIL smokes it to quell rheumatoid arthritis inflammation. I've smoked it in the past to deal with insomnia. Worked great. An American friend of mine from uni actually moved states to a state where it was legal so she could use it for her lupus. It's allowed her to come off all prescribed opiate-based pain relief.

Get a grip op!
You wouldn't give it a second thought if he was drinking a glass of red, weed is no more damaging then alcohol.

I'd be concerned. I mean, isn't it illegal still? It's not a great example to set. Also, the talk to Frank website says :

There are many myths about cannabis - that it’s safe because it’s natural, that using cannabis will completely ruin your life, your health and your future or that using cannabis will lead you into using other, more dangerous drugs. What is true is that cannabis can havesome very real, harmful effects on your mind and body, as well as creating longer-term problems:

Cannabis effects how your brain works. It can make you feel very anxious and even paranoid, it can make it difficult for you to concentrate and learn, make your memory worse and make you feel less motivated.
Tobacco and cannabis share some of the same chemical 'nasties' and just like smoking tobacco, smoking cannabis has been linked to lung diseases like tuberculosis and lung cancer.

Using it has also been linked, in some people, to serious, long-term mental health problems.

An arrest for possessing cannabis could lead to a caution, a fine or even jail.

m.talktofrank.com/drug/cannabis?detail=risks

Speak to his parents about it? FFS. Are you ten. Grow up and mind your own business.

Unfortunately I don't think there is much you can do.

If it were me i don't think i could ever think of them in the same light again. I wouldn't fall out with them, but would definitely distance myself. I certainly wouldn't trust them to look after my kids or even my dog to be honest. I'd let it go with a teenager or young person in their 20s with no responsibilities, but a grown man and a father? Yuck.

For what it's worth I don't think illegal drugs have any place in a house with children in it. But I don't think there's much you can do about it. I wonder if your SIL is really ok with it though.

I used to be around a family member who smoked weed a fair bit. Never did me any harm. I didn't even notice to be honest until I was a bit older and even then, it wasn't a big deal. I don't see this as a huge issue. Yes it's illegal but it's not something the police would ever pursue.

At the end of the day, it's not really your business and I don't see the logic in grassing them up to some older grown ups... is there a reason you can't just ask them yourself l, if you have such a big issue with it?

I know at least 2 successful professional couples with kids who like a joint to unwind. Not my cup of tea but not shocking. It will be legal soon anyway.

It is certainly not something I’d want around my own children. It is illegal.

But I suspect I will be in the minority on this thread with my opinion.

I am extremely anti-drugs and have a very low opinion of anyone who uses them, however, your DH and BIL are not children. You don’t go running to their parents. It’s nothing to do with them or your DH, and certainly nothing to do with you for that matter.

Are you really all ok with weed being smoked inside where small child is?

Plus cannabis can seriously affect someone’s mental health - I have first hand experience of witnessing this

So do I. A close family member got into it in his teens and the ensuing mental health problems have ruined his life. He is 50 now and the effects are still with him.

Isn’t there a danger for the DS being subjected to passive smoking? I don’t think you’re over-reacting OP, but I’m not sure what I’d do about it. I would actually be quite tempted to call social services anonymously and ask for their advice.

"its illegal"

Stop conflating legality with morality.

Slavery was legal, as was the persecution of the Jews, alcohol was once illegal in the U.S.

I personally hate the smell so have never smoked it. I truly believe that weed, like alcohol is entirely dependent on the person using it. My ex for example shouldn’t smoke it (but still does I’m guessing) because it seems to have a terrible effect on him. He’s also a horrible drunk. But I know plenty of other people who smoke to unwind, much like I do with a vodka orange every now and then with no effects on their mental health at all. Same with drinking.

I understand your shock OP but it’s really none of your business. And no there’s no reason to grass on them to parents.

Not acceptable imo, it's illegal and they are setting a bad example (no way they will be able to hide it long-term from their child and they may not bother when DC is older anyway if they think it's OK). There are MH implications too and there are some nasty varieties around that in my experience teenagers at least don't seem to be able to identify as more dangerous. I can't see that telling DH 's parents will help though, probably the best DH can do is to make your feelings clear to his sister.

When my DH said to his sister "why the hell is there a smell of weed downstairs?!" She was quite defensive of her DH.

Who died and made him lord of his sister's manor?

"What the hell has it got to do with you?" is the only acceptable reply imo.

Love or hate weed, it's got fuck all to do with him what they do in their own home.

Not that you know he smoked it in his own home. It stinks to high heavens so he could easily have just smoked it outside.

Not acceptable imo, it's illegal and they are setting a bad example

So what’s OP to do? Glare at them a lot? Lecture them? March around informing who? The grandparents? Police? SS?

I feel the same as you op and if pearl clutchers we are then so be it.

Well what eould you advise her to actually DO adverse? Everyone keeps pointing out its illegal and saying they disapprove, but that doesnt answer the question.

Well at least you know not to leave your children with them. He may be a shit patent but it’s not like he’s abusive. I don’t think it is wise to interfere. Just make sure that your SIL knows that you aren’t judging her and she can come to you if she needs help. It’s sad that she’s felt like she has to hide this from you. But a lot of people smoke weed their entire lives without getting trouble. You have no reason to believe that this will harm your nephew.

I don't like drugs round children. I don't like drugs. I have lived in places when that's all people do all day long, round their children too.
Skunk is obtained illegally and everyone I have known who smokes sells it on too.It stinks. It isn't the same as grass. Grass smells fine and has a lesser effect, but no one smokes it or grows it, they like the strong triffid skunk.
I have even known people with MH problems smoking skunk making them gradually even worse.
It is actually brain altering and can lead to psychosis, I think I read that 60% of hospital intact for psychotic episode is caused by skunk.

@worralliberty his sister was breaking the law by allowing her husband to smoke it in her presence instead of reporting it. Any reasonable brother/family member/close friend would give her a good shake. Would you feel the same if he found a counterfeiting machine or stolen goods down stairs?