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AIBU?

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Original poster

To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

833 replies

bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 14:43

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2018 16:11

The bride sounds like a right madam, and very cheeky. She chose to have 5 bridesmaids, add to that she selected the dresses, it is very rude for her to ask you to pay for them. I paid for my bm dresses, shoes and accessories and hair, they did their own make up, it would never ever occur to me to ask them to pay for the priviledge of being my bm. I would tell her that you cannot afford it, if she starts being difficult, pull out. I was married 14 years ago.

CrabbyPatty · 03/12/2018 16:12

I don't think its resonable to ask you to pay for the dress - I bought my bridesmaid's dresses (although they were pretty cheap from ASOS) and when I've been a bridesmaid I've had my dresses bought by the brides (which included a £350 gothic black dress I would never have been able to pay for). I am wary that brides to be can be quite precious - you need to nip this in the bud ASAP even if it means you stepping down as bridesmaid. The longer this drags on, the more let down she'll feel. Best of luck xxx

Onestep2 · 03/12/2018 16:12

I paid for all my beidesmaid dresses and i paid for their hair and make up on the day too and I had bought them jewellery as a thank you (nothing expensive)

Only thing they bought was their shoes

MyKingdomForBrie · 03/12/2018 16:13

You must have some odd friends @alfie190 as the majority of us have never come across this never mind seeing it as the norm! I see that you don't agree with it but I do think your experience has been unusual in this regard, it's really not the norm at all.

MerdedeBrexit · 03/12/2018 16:14

If the brides choose the bridesmaids' dresses, she pays for them all, as well. I'm afraid you're going to have to make it clear you can't afford it and that you weren't expecting to have to pay for your own bridesmaid's dress as chosen by her. She's seriously a CF, bound to be a Bridezilla if she's not one already! Please go with Werewolf's message, without the typos!

Eliza9917 · 03/12/2018 16:16

I doubt she's be choosing £250 dresses if she had to pay for them.

I'd bow out.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 03/12/2018 16:16

I've been a bridesmaid 6 times, only once been asked to pay for my own dress, and that was by the Bridezilla that I no longer speak to (for many reasons).

I'm getting married next year and am not having bridesmaids, but I'd rather wear a paperbag myself than ask bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses.

hellhavenofury · 03/12/2018 16:17

WOW so the bride chooses you to be a BM, you can't really decline as she is a good friend and then YOU get lumped with a nice big payout - Thats bloody rude! If she wants a massive wedding with loads of BM's she should be paying for it!!

I have just booked my wedding and I will be paying everything for my BM, I asked her & I want her to be my BM so its up to me.

I didn't realise people could be so blindly entitled - It actually makes me a little angry for you!

Good luck, my advice be honest and if she doesn't like it you know where you stand!

katseyes7 · 03/12/2018 16:23

Are you in the UK, OP? l paid for everything for my bridesmaid (ok, l only had one) but that's usual here. l believe it's different in America. £250 is a lot of money, especially for single parent, and especially three weeks before Christmas. Just tell her you can't do it, don't be embarrassed and don't feel bad. lf she's any sort of a friend, she'll understand. x

HavelockVetinari · 03/12/2018 16:23

Alfie I think you've been looking at American websites, as all the British ones say it's déclassé as fuck to make your bridesmaids pay for their own dresses.

Debretts, who are the go-to authority on British etiquette, say that the Bride or her family should pay for the bridesmaids' dresses.

londonrach · 03/12/2018 16:24

Bride pays the bridemaid dresses if she chooses them. End of story. Your friend is being a cf. id just tell her the truth that you cant afford the dress and understand if she doesnt want you to be a bridesmaid

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/12/2018 16:25

There was no mention of us paying at the fittings, no choice of the dress or colour ... then just the assumption that we were paying as if we all would have already known it was the case

I'm afraid I'd really dislike being hijacked like that - it happened to me once and I just backed out, knowing there'd soon be other "assumptions" about what I'd pay for

No point in discussing it; with someone like this you'll probably get a surprised look and an "Ooooo, nobody else minds". As PPs have said, just withdraw while making sure to keep it sincere by wishing her the very best

Yulebealrite · 03/12/2018 16:27

I'd send werewolfs message but I'd change the "If you'd rather I step down" to "I will need to step down*

Yulebealrite · 03/12/2018 16:29

Yep and it'll be the shoes, headpieces, flowers, make up and hair costs too before you know it.
Sh'e not likely to pay for all of those given she won't even pay for the bloody dress.

BackforGood · 03/12/2018 16:29

@Alfie190 The fact there are 5 pages of posters telling you that it really is not the norm for a bridesmaid to pay for their dress ought to tell you something. Trouble with internet search is it is world wide - I suspect you must have brought up some sites from other countries.

I agree with everyone else saying to use Werewolf's reply from P1

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 03/12/2018 16:30

Did the others know they would have to pay? I am married with a decent joint household income and there's no way I could just drop £250 on a day's notice like that! I wonder if she has hijacked everyone and is trying it on a bit.
I had no bridesmaids at my wedding, just my sister and little neice and nephew - told them to wear whatever they felt nice in. It really wasn't a £250 BM dress kind of wedding 😂

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 03/12/2018 16:31

Oh and I have never heard of the BMs being made to pay for their own dress unless it's a "choose your own in this colour" scenario.

madcatladyforever · 03/12/2018 16:31

Why are you friends with this insensitive muppet. She surely must know your circumstances.
If she doesn't then she is not your friend.
The bride pays for the dresses, it is totally unacceptable to expect a bridesmaid to cough up £250.
Dump this princess immediately and spend the money on your kids.
I wouldn't need a "friend" like this.
The one exception I made for an annoying bride was to make my dress to save money aqs she didn't have much either but she bought the dress fabric and every last reel of cotton.

SandAndSea · 03/12/2018 16:32

She's being very insensitive imo.

How about messaging her back? Eg:

Hi DF! I'm so sorry, I didn't realise that we would be expected to buy our own dresses, on top of all the meals out, babysitting fees etc. As a single mum on a budget, I just can't do it. I will of course, completely understand if you'd rather I revert to a normal guest, with no bad feelings. Let me know. Love, OP xx

KringleBells · 03/12/2018 16:33

UK tradition is that the bride pays for bridesmaids dresses, and therefore gets to choose! If it’s quite an informal wedding and she says “just wear whatever you want!” she doesn’t have to pay.

In US,bridesmaids pay for dresses,but they get a much bigger say on price point/colour/style.

Lweji · 03/12/2018 16:34

What's the worst that can happen if you say you won't pay?

Her kicking you out of being bridesmaid? The wedding? Stop being friends?

No big loss, really.

LovesHisMummyReally · 03/12/2018 16:34

This is totally audacious of her. I was asked to pay £60 for some shoes as a BM and was pretty livid about that. I paid for the whole outfit plus hair for my own BMs because it was my choice.

I am angry for you.

BobLemon · 03/12/2018 16:34

You defo need to step down as BM. I was asked to be BM by my future SIL, which was lovely, but my immediate answer was “let me think about it”. It’s really not a thing you HAVE to do. I had a good old think about what I’d got on this summer and how much ££ id got spare.

BlueJava · 03/12/2018 16:35

I would just text her and say something like "I know you are planning a fabulous wedding, but I'm sorry I can't afford the the dress or meet ups. I understand you all want us to look the same so I have to step down. Thanks for asking me though!" If she is any sort of sane person she'll understand - but you have to accept it may break the friendship through her stupidity. At least you will be free of the worry of cost which is pretty unreasonable in my opinion.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/12/2018 16:35

The mood I'm in right now. I'd say fuck off entitled princess. Do you think I've got a few £250 trees in my back garden.
However Werewolf's reply is very Good. Its polite without being arse licky and apologetic and assertive without being nasty.

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