To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

[bridezilla1]

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

Yes you've handled it really well. She's probably realising what she's done a bit now, as in lost a bridesmaid and rocked a friendship. I hope she hasn't put any more sarcastic comments on social media?!

Handled with dignity and respect, well done OP

This has absolutely said more about her than you/your circumstances

I do often wonder about the incidences of divorce shortly after people have got married...I'm thinking the whole personality change/bridezilla thing must play a factor. Grooms must think wtf is this person!

When someone is getting married i personally think the bride and groom should pay for everything.
If you, as the bride choose the bridesmaid dress then you should pay.
When I got married we paid for everything. It's a lot of money for a bridesmaid to fork out . Your day. You pay.
When my son got married one groomsman couldn't afford $200 for a suit, so we paid.
I just don't understand why anyone should pay for these things when it is you day.
Totally understand some bridesmaids don't have the money.
Why is there an expectation of others paying for your day?

I think you've handled it very well.
I also think that the bride, having behaved very badly initially, has done her best once she realised her mistake. She has tried to help with the cost of the dress, although in an awkward and embarrassing way. She is not alone in having a wedding she can't really afford. It's not a good idea but it happens. So yes, go as a guest, but not with a chip on your shoulder. Arrange a babysitter and go with the intention of having a really good time and enjoying your friend's hospitality, while celebrating her marriage. Win, win.

When my son got married one groomsman couldn't afford $200 for a suit, so we paid...Why is there an expectation of others paying for your day?

Eh, I mean this politely but why don't you ask your son who clearly expected his groomsman to pay?

I also think the bride has tried to do her best after the initial bad reaction. For many people, irrelevant of some folks on here's view, the bridesmaid paying for their own dress is indeed the norm. That's simply a fact.

As such for her, if it's her norm, then she could easily have reacted badly when it appeared the op had agreed to be bridesmaid, new rhe cost of the dresses, said nothing then when it came to it said I can't afford it in a waywhich indicated the bride should pay.

I really think it would be a shame if the friendship ended as although she reacted badly, there is always two sides to the story, and she has clearly tried to resolve it.

As such for her, if it's her norm, then she could easily have reacted badly when it appeared the op had agreed to be bridesmaid, new rhe cost of the dresses, said nothing then when it came to it said I can't afford it in a waywhich indicated the bride should pay.

I didn't know the cost though that's the point, she chose the dresses, ordered them and then asked for £250. The cost was never mentioned, if she had wanted us to pay I think before ordering she should have said these dresses cost X amount and I would need this paid by X date, giving us a chance before they were ordered to speak of any concerns.

I would never pay for my own bridesmaid dress. If she was really a friend she would understand and should have preempted it by saying privately that you could pay in stages or she would pay. I hope you can tell her you can't afford it without her being a bridezilla

Think this is for the best OP, only likely to have gotten worse. You've handled it really well - B2B should be embarrassed imo. Bridesmaids don't pay for their own dresses in the UK. Only acceptable if a very relaxed/informal wedding and can choose their own, etc. £250 is an insane amount, most 'official' bridesmaid dresses don't cost anywhere near that much. If they're having the sort of wedding that requires £250 bm dresses, then they should absolutely be paying for them!

Op, I agree she should have said, and I just want to try to salvage the relationship if possible and make you think of it from her side,

Yes of course she should have mentioned the cost, but hindsight is wa wonderful thing and she wouldn't be the first bride to get carried away on wedding planning and not be thinking of her bridesmaids financial situation.

I'm not disputing she's behaved badly, and I'm not disputing she's reacted badly, but she has tried to salvage it, and uou assumes she would buy your dress, when for many this reallyisnt the norm, and there is an onus on you to know what you're agreeing to when you agree to it.

There is no point saying well she should have told me. You're a big girl, you could have asked instead of assuming she'd buy you the dress.

Bottom line is you were good friends before this. Emotions are running high, her due to the wedding, you due to embarassement, but do you really want to let the friendship end over this?

Bridesmaids don't pay for their own dresses in the UK

Yes they do. Many people have posted they did. I did, twice, and it was both times a wedding with eight bridesmaids.

If she is a real friend she will understand, real friends aren't unreasonable nor would expect your child/ren to go without for a dress you will only wear once, not to mention how much you have already forked out in dinners and babysitting.
I hope she ends up being a true friend who won't shame or shun you for doing the best you can. Honestly, anyone who would shame or shun a single parent is a sh*y person. If she wants you there, really wants you there, she can pay for your dress as your financial situation is not the same as theirs, that's what I would do for a friend in your situation instead of being nasty.

Yes they do. Many people have posted they did. I did, twice, and it was both times a wedding with eight bridesmaids

Bully for you. Most people really don’t.

It’s crass and poor form, particularly when it’s thrusted on someone as in case of OP.

Just because you have paid up, it does not mean it’s the norm. Perhaps I don’t know such vulgar people, but expecting a BM to pay for her own dress isn’t proper, unless agreed upfront.

Hi, this thread is so upsetting. What a friend! I was a bridesmaid for my sister... I paid for my dress, there were 6 bridesmaids. It was not expected of us, we offered to pay after discussing it amongst ourselves. The B2B had three kids and we felt paying for our dresses was a great gift to relieve the costs. Our dresses were absolutely nowhere near £250!!!! She would never have asked and never expected us to pay. Your "friends" selfishness and lack of understanding is disgusting. What's even worse is discussing it with other friends and family (who I'm sure could see your point of view but judging by her behaviour so far I doubt they'd challenge her on it!) she will come to her senses some day when she has kids and money comes in one hand and out the other! When that day comes I hope she's very embarrassed about how she behaved. I'm so sorry you were put in that position and hope you and the kids have a lovely stress free Christmas! 🎄💜

Most people really don’t

I can only assume you're drunk. No one could read a thread with many people saying it's the norm and then announce it's not. How arrogant would you need to be?

I think we all get it's not the norm in your social circle but this does not mean you then can decide what the norm for Britain is.

Have a coffee and sleep it off and post again tomorrow.

@Bluntness100
Just because someone disagrees with you, that's no reason to say they must be drunk.
Some on this thread have paid for their dress as a bridesmaid, but the majority have not so why you continue to insist "it's the norm", I have no idea.
Maybe you're drunk

Give it a few more days.

If it’s still radio silence by say the 7th day after your last message, don’t prolong the agony. Just say “look, on reflection it’s probably better I come as a guest. The honour to be asked was amazing but with kids and the like I worry I’d not be able to be fully present for the task. Once again, the honour of being asked means a lot but I hope you don’t mind my switching to the role of “guest” instead”.

Keeps her ego inflated (the honour etc) and means you are proactively handling the situation rather than letting her end up foisting what she may very well see as a debt you owe her upon you, rendering your friendship fucked anyway.

She is a CF and then some and shame on her for putting you in this position

I can only assume you're drunk. No one could read a thread with many people saying it's the norm and then announce it's not. How arrogant would you need to be

I am in a different time zone and far from an hour where I would be ‘drunk’. Though I do like to drink.

In any case, mature response.

No, I’ve never encountered a bride asking that her chosen bridesmaids are asked to pay HER costs.

Breakfast I suspect you may be right.

Poor love seems to be projecting.

My stance is: Bride should pay for bridesmaid's dresses, hair and make up and any meals for wedding planning unless the Bridesmaid gets to choose dress, hair style and make up and individual financial situations. To expect you to pay all these expenditures (plus babysitting costs which she hasn't helped with, expensive meals for wedding planning is not a requirement, that's her being self indulgent) you have no choice in, for one day, and her knowing your financial situation (plus being rude to you for not attending the Hen's party), She has simply taken advantage of you. I urge you to back out, she has not considered you and your Children at all.

If Bride can't afford the dresses herself, don't expect Bridesmaids to pay for them, let Bridesmaids choose own dress that works within budgets.

Some on this thread have paid for their dress as a bridesmaid, but the majority have not so why you continue to insist "it's the norm

That's just bonkers, you're rhe one insisting it's the norm for rhe bride to pay. I've just pushed back saying it's very common. At no stage did I say it was the norm not to pay. You're rhe one who was talking about norms.

Clearly pissed.🤪

I can only assume you're drunk. No one could read a thread with many people saying it's the norm and then announce it's not.

Only a few people on this thread have said about BMs paying for BM dresses, by far the majority (I'd say at least 90%) have said it's not the norm.

Do you always accuse people who don't agree with you, of being drunk?

I must have been reading a different thread to person saying many BM have said they paid for their dresses, a few said they bought their own for informal weddings or weddings where the bride told them to wear what they want as long as it was blue or purple . The norm on this thread by about 90% has been the bride pays.

Some brides pay, some brides don't. I don't think it matters though. If the bride wanted the bridesmaids to pay, she should have been upfront about the cost beforehand and also given the bridesmaids some input into the dresses. You don't spend other people's money for them.

The point is you stated categorically that "bridesmaids don't pay for their dresses in the uk".

They do. You have evidence on this thread, you can google and see it's very common, as a pp said, some do, some don't, positing categorically about what happens in Britain was clearly erroneous.

@Bluntness100 I think it was me who said that, so no need to attack anyone else. I'm not drunk either btw.

To my knowledge, it's not the done thing in the UK. I've certainly never paid for a BM dress (5 times) and I don't know anyone else who has. I'd have never dreamed of asking mine to pay and I'd be embarrassed to do so, as would probably my parents.

The only exception I can think of would be informal weddings, second marriages, where it's perhaps more relaxed.

If it's the kind of wedding that requires £250 dresses, then it's the kind of wedding where the budget should cover them. Asking a good friend without the means to help pay towards your lavish do isn't really on and as the thread shows, most people agree.