To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

[bridezilla1]

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

IMO the BM dresses should be budgeted for as part of the wedding. Where do you draw the line at costs otherwise. For the Bride to impose a cost to a guest of £250 for the “privilege” of being a BM is CF territory. If you’re going to ask for payment then you make it a reasonable cost.

i think just explain what you've said on the post....
but maybe start with a private message to her saying..

friends name i don't know what to say and don't want to let you down at all but i really struggle financially as it is with the little ones, and i'm afraid i just can't do the £250, it's just outwith my budget i'm afraid. i'm really sorry but it just won't be possible.

leave it open, she might say of course sorry, i'll pay for you...
make sure in that scenario, she isn't expecting to be paid back - again explain this won't be possible...

if she asks more questions, explain what you've explainED here... it's already been financially damaging to you - paying for babysitters, going to more expensive restaurants than you can afford etc... and christmas coming up, its just too much now. (if you celebrate xmas).
make sure she doesn't think that you grudge any of this...
say of course you've had a wonderful time... you wouldn't change it, and you'd be involved happily if you could afford it but your budget just doesn't stretch this far and you want her to be happy but it can't come as a sacrifice of your happiness and as such your childrens

I was a bridesmaid three times and had y dress paid for on each occasion. I had one bridesmaid and I paid for her to have a dress made of her own choice in a certain material.

It's not expected or normal for a bridesmaid to pay for their own dress.

It's just rude under any circumstances for a bride to expect a bridesmaid to pay. End of.

I’m getting married and there’s no way I will be asking my bridesmaids to pay for their dresses. I will ask them to supply their own shoes but definitely not the dresses!

I agree with PPs that the only time it’s acceptable for bridesmaids to supply their own dresses is if you’re just telling them to wear whatever they want!

She knows you well to ask you to be her bridesmaid. Therefore she knows you are a single parent and money will be tight. But she's so caught up in her wedding whirlwind that she isn't seeing your situation. A simple text along the lines of "I'm so flattered you asked me but I just simply cannot afford the dress and everything else that comes with it. It literally means taking food out of my DCs mouths and I just can't justify it for one day, no matter how special that day will be. I know you will understand that this is been a really tough decision for me to make".

If she is a bitch about it, then she's no friend.

I vote for werewolf’s message too.

I wouldn’t pay that much for a dress I really like and would wear again. Let alone a bridesmaid dress which I’m wearing for the bride (I.e. I don’t like it but I’ll wear it with a smile as it’s for the bride).

My SIL charged her bridesmaids (she is a highly paid professional) then was furious when one refused and they are no longer friends. It was so awkward she was telling me this story as if I would nod and say how unreasonable the friend was being..

This doesn't help anyone. I have never been a bridesmaid, I had no bridesmaids myself (registry office wedding) and the whole thing cost just under £500. Thirty odd years ago you could get away with it, it's bonkers what people spend these days.
I'd go with the message (amended from lying babysitter )

Ask her to pay for your dress and then after the wedding you cover the cost of dry cleaning and then return it to her so she can sell it on.
That's what happened when I was a bridesmaid on both occasions.

She's a CF OP.

Usually the bride pays for the bridesmaids dresses (well at least the bridesmaids don't) in the UK. I paid for my bridesmaids dresses when I got married and I've never paid for one when I was a bridesmaid.

If you're expecting your bridesmaids to pay then you certainly don't pick out £250 ones with no consultation! Can't imagine what needs to be discussed at all these expensive dinners either. She sounds completely self obsessed.

She’s a CF she wants 5 bridesmaids and for them to wear a certain look but she can’t afford them so she’s passing the cost on.
I’d she can’t afford it then she should only have one bridesmaid.

There will be more costs to come, shoes etc? I’d drop out now.

I'm a bridesmaid next year and we have to pay for our own dresses hair and makeup etc.. my dress was under £100 and I reluctantly paid.. but £250! No way..

@silkentofu

Since when has it been normal to pay for your own bridesmaids dress? Since never.

Yep, I never heard of it either... And what a cheek asking for £250!

Those who make your BM's do this, are you also the same brides who make all your friends spend a grand on your hen do in Ibiza?

I am willing to bet yes. It's always this same kind of nightmare brizedilla bride to be that pulls this same kind of shit!

Its not normal to buy your own bridesmaid dress in my opinion. Please tell her you cant do it.

I wouldn't message her, I would ring her and speak to her and just explain about the money part. Say you were thrilled to be asked to be bridemaid but never expected to have to pay for the dress and shoes, plus ask her if you have to pay for hair and make up too, it's just too expensive if you have to buy the dress.
Don't message - it's so cold and clinical.
Ring and actually speak to your friend person to person, friend to friend.

Utter cringe to expect your bridesmaid to pay for their own dress. Nobody I know would request this.

I think you have to just be honest and say you cannot afford it and you will understand if this means she has to drop you as BM.

Honestly she's clearly lost her marbles. The bride pays for the bridesmaids dresses, and hair / make-up etc. The only thing my bridesmaids paid for was their shoes, and that was because they couldn't agree on a dress and I ended paying £100 more than I planned on the dresses for something they both liked, so they kindly offered to buy their own shoes, otherwise I would have paid for those too.

I think she might have gone into full bridezilla mode. Honestly I'd back out. I bet there's plenty of other 'planning night' costs in the running. I'd send a message saying:

'Dear friend, this is really awkward but I don't think I'm able to be your bridesmaid anymore. I'm thrilled you are getting married and hope you have an amazing wedding, but as a single mum I just can't afford the costs of being a bridesmaid, which are more than I originally thought they were going to be. Money is a bit of a constant struggle now and I have to prioritise my kids, and all my basic living costs. I've therefore made the difficult decision to step down from the role, which I hope you can understand. I hope you have an amazing day though and I hope you will still be happy to have me as a guest'.

I am really shocked that people have to pay for their own dresses. I've never ever heard of that.

It is certainly not normal to expect to pay for your bridesmaid dress yourself. I paid for my bm dresses, hair and make up. They chose their own sandals to match the dress (or wore ones they already had).

You just have to be honest OP but she already sounds a bit rubbish complaining you can't make the hen.

What is it with brides these days!

I am getting married in June and I am paying for all 5 of my bridesmaids outfits! They are paying for their hair and makeup on the day 😊 I would feel rude asking them to be my bridesmaid and expecting them to pay for it all themselves as it costs a fortune.

@Alfie190 it's really not. Really really not.

Why the hell would you make someone else pay for something for your wedding?! If you can't afford the bridesmaids dresses you shouldn't have bridesmaids.

I had six bridesmaids and obviously paid for their dresses, always had the dress bought for me when I've been a BM.

I would have backed out when she started with the meals out crap.

I have NEVER heard of bridesmaids having to pay for their own dresses in the UK or Ireland (where I am from). But I think this is part of a growing trend where brides get everyone else to pay for the big, expensive wedding they cannot afford. FFS, is it really necessary to go out for dinner to discuss wedding plans all the time?! And don't get me started on hen dos that have to invlove a trip abroad or a 5 star hotel room stay in this country! Say NO, OP, anyway you like, but say no! £250 is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a dress you haven't even chosen.

I've been 9 times a bridesmaid for cousins and friends. Never once was I asked to pay for my own dress. My SIL however asked my 2 dds to be her bridesmaids and she wanted £150 per dress. I told her I would pay for the dresses only if I chose them. The one's she wanted were not a style that could be worn for anything else. She had to pay in the end as she'd ordered them without my knowledge.