Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

833 replies

bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 14:43

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

OP posts:
WinterfellWench · 03/12/2018 14:57

LOL, cheekyfuckery of the highest order!

Like fuck would I pay £250 for a bridesmaid's dress if I was a bridesmaid. You can get bridesmaid's dresses for £30. Less probably. I would just be honest and say you don't have the money.

As has been said, the bridesmaids should NEVER pay for their own dresses. As a few posters have said, it's tacky and cringeworthy, and pretty fucking awful tbh!

I would send @werewolfnumer1's message tbh.....

Alfie190 · 03/12/2018 14:58

And @Alfie190 - in the UK the norm is that the bride pays for bridesmaid dresses, unless the bride just tells the bridesmaids to wear what they want in which case they pay.

Not what I am used to. And I have just googled it and many say it is traditional that the bridesmaid pays for own dress.

Of course it is not reasonable for OP to have to spend this money and she should say so, but I don't think the bride is doing anything unusual in this regard. Although dinners to discuss her wedding plans seem little self absorbed.

KitchenDancefloor · 03/12/2018 15:03

What a CF - that's almost as much as my wedding dress at my cost-conscious wedding.

We also paid for the bridesmaids' dresses (only £30 in the sale). We were skint but wouldn't have dreamt of them putting their hands in their pockets for clothes that we had asked them to wear.

I agree with PPs, I'd back out of being a bridesmaid now before it gets really expensive. A good friend will understand.

KERALA1 · 03/12/2018 15:04

Utterly cringing for her. You cannot ask your bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses! Its outrageous. Say no!

cadburysflake · 03/12/2018 15:05

Bridesmaids don't pay for their dresses, the bride does. I had 2 adult bridesmaids my sister and best friend and 3 flower girls. I have 4 very close girlfriends I'd have loved but I couldn't justify 6xdresses, shoes, head dresses, flowers, hair and make up...etc!

Who on earth charges their friend's for the pleasure of being a bridesmaid? It would have cost my adult bridesmaids over £300 each, I couldn't imagine asking for that kind of money when it was really only for my benefit!

lilyblue5 · 03/12/2018 15:05

This is too much Sad £250 for a dress for one day! I had one bridesmaid as that’s what I knew I could afford. We did our own makeup but I paid for her dress, accessories and her hair on the day. Dress was £80 and she looked gorgeous.
We did afternoon tea for my hen do (max £20 pp). I didn’t force anyone to come. It was fine. I don’t get why the costs have to be so extortionate!

MillionsOfGeoffreys · 03/12/2018 15:07

If the dress is her choice - bride pays
If it’s your choice - you pay

SilkenTofu · 03/12/2018 15:07

Since when has it been normal to pay for your own bridesmaids dress? Since never.

Those who make your BM's do this, are you also the same brides who make all your friends spend a grand on your hen do in Ibiza?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 03/12/2018 15:09

I would back of out being bridesmaid. Tell her you can't afford the expenses involved and this is just the start.

If she was a decent friend she would understand. If she flips then she is a shit mate and no loss.

Win win.

FrankIncensed · 03/12/2018 15:10

I paid for my bridesmaid dress even though she chose it (I obviously approved of the choice) as I dictated the colour. We didn't pay for the best man and ushers' suits though as we just asked them to wear a suit they had and gave them a buttonhole each.

Normandy144 · 03/12/2018 15:10

The bride should be paying but not all brides do unfortunately. I would send her a private message along the lines of werewolfs message but, and this is where we differ, i would offer to step down from the role rather than push it back to her. She may well not have the budget to pay for you (she shouldn't have 5 bridesmaids if she can't afford them!)

Sadly though, this is not going to end there. She could well expect you to pay for shoes, maybe hair and makeup artist, not to mention the hen do and more dinners etc. You financially can't afford to do this so i would bow out now rather than later. It will be easier for everyone.

ConkerGame · 03/12/2018 15:10

I have been a bridesmaid 4 times and every time the bride has paid for my dress, hair, make up and bouquet. They have also each bought me jewellery to wear on the day. Why would I pay for a dress that someone else has chosen and asked me to wear?

OP, I would send the message that @werewolf set out - it’s polite but assertive. If she gets mad at you about this then she’s not a true friend and you’d be better off not being her bridesmaid.

Yesitwasmethistime · 03/12/2018 15:10

Werewolfnumber1's reply is really good. (Although change the typo of lying for babysitters to paying for them Grin)

I think it sets the perfect tone.

In the UK it is not normal for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses. I know it happens sometimes but there is usually a conversation round that first. rather than an assumption

Curlyhairedbrummie · 03/12/2018 15:11

I was in a similar position this summer. Was bridesmaid for SIL and she expected us to pay £150 for a dress she chose and make up and hair on top of this. Plus hotel for hen and wedding night! I'm a SAHM and it was just impossible to pay for it all so I found an almost identical dress for £30 but she refused and said I had to buy the other one. I really resented someone telling me how to spend my money! In the end I w
as honest and said I can't afford it and perhaps I should not be a bridesmaid as I can't keep up with all the expenditure. I really didn't want to have a fall out and cause stress leading up to the wedding but in the end she bought the dress herself (and the other bridesmaid dresses). I would have been happy to step aside though and if she is a true friend she will understand your finances and see that's SIBU.

FrankIncensed · 03/12/2018 15:11

Sorry that should say bridesmaid's dress as in the bridesmaid at my wedding.

SillyMoomin · 03/12/2018 15:11

Are you in the USA op? There seems to be a norm in american wedding to make the bridesmaids pay for their dresses (which I still think is ridiculous)

Just message her, and say politely that you think with regret, you'll have to bow out, as you cannot afford to continue bridesmaid costs. You do however wish her a wonderful day and look forward to celebrating as a guest

Davespecifico · 03/12/2018 15:11

This friend is insensitive to you, therefore not a great friend. I would politely say that I'm unable to be bridesmaid. The whe thing is going to be a money pit for you and cause you an immense amount if stress which she doesn't care about

AndThereSaw · 03/12/2018 15:11

Bite the bullet and tell her today before she pays for a dress for you.

Normandy144 · 03/12/2018 15:12

Either way you need to do it quickly before she buys the dress!

Confusedbeetle · 03/12/2018 15:12

Dont be a bridesmaid. Its a shit job

seven201 · 03/12/2018 15:13

I like werewolfnumber1's message.

Don't just pay and resent forever.

Are you in the UK? I think in America bridesmaids pay, but here it's the bride & groom.

WinklemansFringe · 03/12/2018 15:14

I think these days people need to think very carefully about accepting invitations to be bridesmaids, or at least discuss with the bride exactly what she envisages the role being.

You should have said no to the second expensive restaurant night out. One fair enough, but if the bride can't see that these events would be a financial strain for you, then she is a poor friend.

That letter above reads very well and you should use it as a basic template. If she cares about you she will see your point. If she kicks off then you are best of out of the whole thing.

trojanpony · 03/12/2018 15:18

Another upvote for WerewolfNumber1‘s message

prettybird · 03/12/2018 15:19

My SIL paid for my bridesmaid's dress (and for the other two bridesmaids) for her wedding.

I didn't pay for my best friend's dress, who was my only bridesmaid, but that's because she wore a lovely green dress she already had (and she was 3 months pregnant). I'd have been happy to pay for a dress for her though - instead I got her some lovely peridot earrings (which were also her birthstone) to wear on the day.

Lweji · 03/12/2018 15:19

My wedding dress was only a bit more expensive than that!!!

And I have never bought a dress for any wedding for that amount.

Just tell her that you thought she was offering the dresses, that you can't afford those prices for a one time dress, and that you're sorry, but it it means not being a bridesmaid, then it's a shame but you can't.
But don't back down and don't pay for it.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.