To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

[bridezilla1]

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

I wouldn't be able to afford it all and I'm on an ok wage. In the UK it's not traditional for the bridesmaids to buy their own dress at all. Be honest, being a bridesmaid sounds a massive hassle nowadays.

I’ve been a bride once and a bridesmaid twice - I paid for everything my bridesmaids and page boy needed, including outfit/dresses, shoes, hair , makeup. I don’t see why a bridesmaid should have to pay a penny , even for shoes, especially if the bride is dictating the style or colour

BTW, a friend of mine is getting married next year and has picked out a simple column dress for her bridesmaids in a smoky lavender colour. £50 each. Your friend is taking the piss!

Never heard of a bride asking the BM to pay for their dresses. It’s mind boggling do they expect the flower girls and page boys to cough up too. Just say if that’s the case you can’t do it. That money would go along way especially at Christmas time, that’s like 6 weeks of food shopping .

I don’t think she’s thinking of your circumstances at all. This might not make her a CF- maybe just thoughtless. You e said she’s had many planning meals in expensive restaurants - this strikes me as something people with disposable income and time free of commitments do without a thought for others circumstance as opposed to trying to get anything out of you.

I agree the text on the first page is perfect

I think it's really sad if you can't be a bridesmaid purely because she's chosen prohibitively expensive dresses and expects you to just be able to snap your fingers and pay for it. That's not what it's all about, surely. How much will everything else add up to?

I'd say if she picked a specific dress, she should cover the cost.

Maybe meet up with her for coffee and talk to her about it?

*@Alfie190 it's really not. Really really not.

Why the hell would you make someone else pay for something for your wedding?! If you can't afford the bridesmaids dresses you shouldn't have bridesmaids.*

I am not commenting on what I think is ok. I am commenting on what I believe is normal, based on my life experience of knowing many people that have had a wedding.

I was actually surprised when I first discovered in my 20s that BMs usually pay for their own dress, but I have since realised it is commonplace for the BM to pay for their own dresses. My online googling confirms this. That does not mean that I agree with it, just that I think it is the norm.

I did not want the fuss of a wedding, I got married but I did not have any bridesmaids.

God I earn a reasonable wage but I would struggle to get £250 together in a day! That's mad

I've bought my own outfit for a friend's wedding as she is having a very small intimate wedding,she didn't ask me to and it was never discussed.Im "maid of honour" but as it's not a big bash it feels different .If I was a bridesmaid for a "big white wedding" style day though no way would I pay.

Your bride 'friend' is being an entitled cow by the sounds of it. Personally, I'd suggest you've been lucky to find out this early in the process so you can pull out now. Your contributions to her 'special day' will never be enough for her ... so don't even try. Stop spending on her now.

Alfie190
It is normal to pay for your own bridesmaid dress. You maybe needed to say you wouldn't be able to do it because of cost.

Totally disagree. I've been a bridesmaid eight times, never once expected to pay for my dress.

OP, £250 is a ridiculous sum. Tell the bride there is no way you can afford it and will step down as BM. She sounds a bit of a bridezilla and who knows what else she will be expecting you to pay - hair, makeup etc.

Do you live in the U.K. Alfie as I genuinely have never heard of a bride asking BM to pay for their dress not once. Anytime I’ve been BM the hotels , hair and make up and jewellery have all been bought for me .

I'm a bridesmaid next year and we have to pay for our own dresses hair and makeup etc.. my dress was under £100 and I reluctantly paid.. but £250! No way

Seriously, who are these people that feel so bloody entitled over a day that only serves them. And why do people agree to pay? Why enable and perpetuate this level of cheeky fuckery..

People should have the wedding THEY can afford.

'Bridesmaids have to pay for themselves/their own dresses/outfit in the USA.'

The more I read and hear about America, the more I am SOOOOOO glad I don't live there.

I got married and both my bridesmaids paid for their dresses. However I didn’t specify a particular dress, just that they should be navy blue and left them to choose what they would like. I don’t think either spent more than £50. Maybe I should have offered to pay still though? If I had wanted them to wear a particular dress though, maybe that’s different?

I can't believe she's even asked the bridesmaids to pay for their dresses and all the others have passively complied! Wtf!

I would send a text as suggested, saying you can't possibly pay that and you're prepared to step down if that's what she wants.

She is definitely a bridezilla but the word 'bridezilla' is no excuse for this rude and thoughtless behaviour. Some 'friend'.

Let us know what you decide to do OP. Don’t let her make you feel bad either no one should be expected to buy their own dress.

I read threads like this completely agahst. I'm getting married in 2019 and the only person I'll be wedding planning with is the groom. Why would we want to take any more opinions into consideration?

Of course it's absolute madness that a friend tells another friend that they have to pay ££££ for the "honour" of being a bridesmaid

Resign as BM.

You will lose your friend completely if you carry on with this

You say to her "B2B, I'm sorry, i should have said something sooner, but was kind of hoping it would not have to come to this, but I just can't afford to be your BM. When you add in the babysitters, the meals, the activities and now the sum of £250 for the dress, I'm sorry but I just can't. Even with the expense so far both my children and I have already gone without, and I have to draw a line. I'll be happy to be a guest at your wedding, but I can't be your BM'"

“I think these days people need to think very carefully about accepting invitations to be bridesmaids, or at least discuss with the bride exactly what she envisages the role being.”

I agree. Expectations of bridesmaids seem to be so much higher these days. When I got married my sister walked down the aisle behind me and held my bouquet during the vows, and that was it.

I don’t understand bridezillas who insist on having tons of bridesmaids then can’t afford to fund their dresses. They should just stick to one or two and pay for their dresses.

I agree with everyone, just be politely assertive and tell your “friend” that you can’t afford to be a bridesmaid and are pulling out.

Do you live in the U.K. Alfie as I genuinely have never heard of a bride asking BM to pay for their dress not once

Yes I live in the UK, I am British born and bred although I have one Irish parent and have lived overseas for a decade (but am currently in UK).

I can only reiterate that I do not agree that BMs should pay for dresses, but in my life experience they usually do. And again, I did not have any bridesmaids and did not insist anyone buy a dress for my big day and nor would I.

£250

My wedding dress was £90! (£40 from eBay for a Pronuptia dress + £50 dry cleaning cost)

Brides pay for the dresses if they choose them. I'd back out now.

Not RTFT (sorry) but I was 1 of 6 bridesmaids to my best friends wedding and she bought the dresses. I thought that was the done thing? 🤔

I would be happy to pay for my own dress in different circumstances, for example if it was a relaxed wedding and she asked us all to buy a purple dress of our choice, then I would have budgeted say £40 and try choose something that could be worn (or adapted to wear) again.

There was no mention of us paying at the fittings, no choice of the dress or colour (both just not my style and could never be used again) but then just the assumption that we were paying as if we all would have already known it was the case.

I'm in the UK.