To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

[bridezilla1]

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

Send her a list of what it's cost you so far, and add to that what you think the rest of the pantomime is going to cost you. Then tell her how much you've got coming in, how much your bills are, and how much spare you've got each month for your discretionary spends. I suspect that the total cost she's expecting you to come up with may be comfortably over £1,000. Try explaining what you'd have to forego to pay for that, and if she still thinks you should make those sacrifices it will be far easier for you to tell her where to shove her wedding.

Reading the thread all the way through just now, I've noticed that all the folk who say they paid for their bridesmaids' dresses sound dead nice and down-to-earth, whereas your friend sounds like either she's gone a bit bridezilla or is she always a bit self-centred OP?

There's no way I could afford that money. I'd send that message of werewolfs hoping that either I could get out of it all together (it sounds like this is going to be a really expensive wedding if there have been ruddy meals to discuss it already. Lord knows what the hen will cost!) or at least she'll cough up for the dress for you hopefully. Really, if she's a decent person, this should make her reflect on what she's asking of everyone expense-wise, but I suspect it won't.

I had to pull a reality check on my own sister when it came to her wedding.
She wanted two hen do's, one of them abroad and both very expensive. I had to remind her that as a single mum working all hours I was not prepared to indulge her on this as it meant taking food out of my son's mouth and not being able to pay for his school trip and that was even before the wedding.
There was sulking but when everyone else pulled out too she got the (important) message.

My bridesmaids paid for their own dresses but they also chose their own dresses and I didnt make any stipulations at all. They didn't match and I didnt care. And we agreed this at the time.

OP I would drop out now if I were you before shoes/accessories get added.

I’ve never known any bride that has expected the bridesmaids to pay for anything for the wedding. Hen night is paid by each individual but nothing for the actual day. I also don’t think I know anyone who would pay, it’s not that big a privilege being a bridesmaid that you would happily hand over hundreds of pounds in total.
YANBU, I’d tell her I was out. If she’s a good friend she will understand, if not you’re probably better off without that particular ‘friend’.

a bride I was bridesmaid for tried to charge her 6 bridesmaids £70, "to include our hair, make up, dress alternations"...no one was happy and whilst she ended up paying in the end it did leave a bad taste in my mouth. Years later its come to light she took out numerous loans to fund her wedding-....people need to calm down, a wedding is one day and can still be beautiful and meaningful with less money forked out.

£250 is a lot for a bridesmaid dress.
The dearest one at phase-eight is £199, Monsoon £170

Frankly everyone looks at the bride's dress only. All the bridemaid dresses need to be is "not dreadful and reasonably flattering '

Time to bite the bullet OP and send her a message withdrawing from being a bm. She should have made it clear from the outset regarding who she expected to pay. The Bride is being cheeky, entitled and, as a previous poster rather beautifully put it, déclassé. If the Bride selects, the Bride pays.

If go with Werewolfs suggestion.

I was a bridesmaid for my friend a couple of years ago. She bought the dress but I had to pay for EVERYTHING else including meals out to discuss the wedding, three hen parties (one was a long weekend away), jewellery and shoes (which she chose, I’ve never worn the shoes again and they were way more than I’d ever spend on shoes normally), alterations to my dress, hair and makeup trials and hair and make up on the day plus wedding gift, travel, hotel etc. My dd and dh were also in the wedding party so we had costs time three.
It’s funny how you see someone’s true colours when they get married. Sadly our friendship has never been the same due to them being so grabby.
Anyway, the reason I’m posting my story is that when I look back I really really wish I had pulled out right at the start when the demands started getting unreasonable. I spend thousands of pounds I’ll never get back. If your friend is the same as mine then this is just the beginning and things are going to get worse. So my advice to you would be to pull out now. Be polite, apologise. But get out when you can!

That's awful! I've been bridesmaid 5 times now and the bride's have always bought my dress and shoes and even accessories!! Message her privately and explain your financial situation and possibly offer to withdraw from being bridesmaid as you simply cannot afford it. Do not feel embarrassed as there would be no way that most people could just had over 250 with a days notice. There's no point getting yourself into debt for a dress. Especially before Christmas

When I was maid of honour, the bride's mother paid for the material, but we had to pay for the pattern, the lining and the making up of the dress and the wrap. We also had to pay for our own hair and makeup and shoes. (Shoes fair enough because you can usually wear them again).

My SIL paid for her bridesmaids dresses, but then didn't give them a gift as the dress was the gift.

A friend of a friend who is getting married has ordered her bridesmaids dresses from wish or somewhere like that!

*Not just the shoes but the jewellery I never wore again either. It was horrible blingy shit.

I was a bridesmaid for a US friend and at no point was it suggested that I paid for the dress or shoes. The fact that I'd paid to fly over there might've had a part in this but I didn't see her taking money off the other bridesmaid and maid of honour (both American).

Anyone who has ever paid for a bridesmaid dress has been done of her by a proper c.f..

No way bride pays end of discussions.

Do what WerewolfNumber1 said.

Have you text her?

You should have backed out when she started with the meals crap. That was your first clue that your so-called friend is an entitled bridezilla.

But now? Get real. Grow a spine. 'I'm very sorry, but my financial circumstances mean I simply can no longer be a bridesmaid. I hope you understand.'

Because it'll get worse, she'll expect paid for at multiple hen dos and presents.

How some people got so self-centred and immature about their weddings I'll never know, but I have nieces in their late 20s now who earn good money and turn down invitations to be bridesmaids because they know it's going to cost far too much and expectations on time and finances will be too high.

No one needs 5 bridesmaids anyway. One to hold your bouquet and dress should suffice.

It's not big loss if she ditches you because you're not willing to spend hundreds on her wedding.

Save your money, she'll ask for a cash gift, too.

If bridezilla hasn't done so already, create a whatsapp group for the bride and bm's.
Start - Hey, just interested to know when we all get the money back we lending you for the dresses.
There's a huge chance the other bm's are just waiting for someone to call her out on her batshit craziness.

If you manage to remain a BM after that and more suggestions about expensive restaurants for planning - Hey wouldn't it be easier to do it at someone's house? We can get a couple of bottles, order a takeaway. Plus we can look online for inspiration.
If she says no, say ok have fun at the restaurant I cannot afford to keep spending all this cash on your wedding.

Until one or more start pulling her up she won't stop because, in her eyes, everything is fine. After all, you would tell her.

Traditionally, of course, in the UK the bride's parents pay for the bridesmaids' dresses, shoes etc.

As far as I'm aware, that in the US it has long been the expectation that bridesmaids paid for heir own dresses. My sister was a bridesmaid in the US well over 30 years ago and was very disgruntled to be expected to pay for her dress, especially as she didn't like it.

Just text her. Something like, " I'm really sorry Bride but I just can't afford to spend £250 on a dress, so I must withdraw as a bridesmaid. My finances simply don't cover those kinds of costs as I have to put the children first. I hope you understand and that you're not too disappointed. I hope that you and Groom have a wonderful day and a lifetime of love and happiness."
I'd also contact the shop and make sure that they understand that, fitting or no fitting, you haven't ordered the dress.
250 quid for a bridesmaid's dress is well out of order.

I agree that you may find all the other bridesmaids feel the same as you and will be grateful if you say something
I also don't agree with those posters who say they 'let' their bridesmaids choose their own dresses so the bms paid- that's still tight. I wasn't bothered about my bridesmaids matching and just said a colour but still bought the dresses- luckily they all found they liked the same dress and they were less than £100 each
I would not want to be a bridesmaid again it is a lot of stress and awkward situations where you get bulldozed into paying for things you don't want to do

OP Is this another princess getting married in Windsor?

WerewolfNumber1's email is the way you should go.

CrabbyPatty - do tell more about the £350 Gothic dress, sounds amazing. Picture? What did the bride wear?

Resign OP.

In the UK if the bride is choosing the bridesmaids dresses the bride pays.

Same for shoes and other accessories.

If the bride wants a particular hairstyle and/or make up for the bridesmaids - the bride pays.

I am old and have been to more weddings than I care to remember.

This has been said many times on this thread i'm sure but I can't even understand the thought process of someone asking their bridesmaids to pay for the dresses.. it's so strange! I paid for all my bridesmaids dresses, and flower girls, and their flowers, shoes, accessories and hair and makeup etc. My 2 older bridesmaids wore dresses from Coast which were £140 each - I bought them because they both loved them rather than it being my choice and because they suited them and felt comfortable in them they both wore them beautifully.. I would just be very honest very early on and say no you can't afford that as a single parent etc - get it out there early.