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Original poster

To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

833 replies

bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 14:43

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

OP posts:
Rafflesway · 05/12/2018 12:49

Don't know if it is just me but if anyone asked me to be BM and then announced it would be at my own expense it would be a, "Thank you but no thank you" from me.

Bridezilla1, I totally agree with most pp's. Back out now! If you do allow the b2b to pay for your dress after all this, she will never let you forget it. You will certainly pay the price but in a different manner!

Let her and the other 4 BM's get on with it. You have far bigger priorities in life.

BastardGoDarkly · 05/12/2018 12:51

Op, this must be quite upsetting for you, she's treated you really badly.

I can't imagine ever being that thoughtless, and at times, downright cruel, to any of my friends!?

I don't think it's even about the bloody dress anymore is it?

Do you honestly feel you want to be her bridesmaid after this?

Original poster
bridezilla1 · 05/12/2018 12:51

No response at all yet to my last message saying I am happy to back down and just come as a guest.

I've had a quick Google and I'm really surprised that most websites say it is the norm and traditional for BMs to pay.

I think had she of said from the get go the dresses would need to be paid for and we had some choice not the dress (e.g more affordable, a style that could maybe be altered to wear again) I would have said my budget is £50 tops as I would have paid £30/40 on an outfit as a guest. Her picking the dress, style and colour then ordering and asking for the cash just seems like we are being used to subsidise the wedding a bit...

OP posts:
ChishandFips33 · 05/12/2018 13:09

like we are being used to subsidise the wedding a bit...

Exactly what she's admitted to doing.

Get out now whilst you still can

PylonsPylonsPylons · 05/12/2018 13:16

If you do continue as a bridesmaid make sure there is clarity now about any future costs, you don't want to end up in the same situation later.

Original poster
bridezilla1 · 05/12/2018 13:34

I don't feel I can go into too much detail now this thread had ended up on another site (hopefully she doesn't see/realise it's me!) but yes the hen do is an expensive one but luckily I said from the beginning it was a total no go for me. It was a few nights away and there would be no one to look after the DC. She seemed to take that okay at the time!

OP posts:
Pinkyyy · 05/12/2018 13:36

What an awful situation to be in. I would consider whether or not you want to be her bridesmaid, then make the decision to accept or decline her offer to pay. Did it feel as though she was offering it begrudgingly?

MinesaPinot · 05/12/2018 13:45

I got married over 20 years ago, had 2 bridesmaids and I paid for their dresses and shoes. It would not have occurred to me to do otherwise.

moredoll · 05/12/2018 13:47

I've had a quick Google and I'm really surprised that most websites say it is the norm and traditional for BMs to pay

Because in America it is, and Google's an American company.

glamglamgirl · 05/12/2018 13:49

What other site has this ended up on Grin

TemptressofWaikiki · 05/12/2018 14:41

BTW, if you cannot afford to pay for the dresses why have that many BMs. It sounds tacky and totally OTT.

Loftglow · 05/12/2018 15:02

Never occured to me to make my bridesmaids pay for their own dresses....I paid for the dresses and shoes and also for their hair to be done but they did their own make up which they were happy with...(had 3 x adults including my best friend of over 30 years and 2 of my cousins who I've been really close to as we are same age...and my 2 dds) it will be a hard conversation to have but you need to have it as were will it end.....is she going to ask you to all chip in for your transport too ?! Its no different....

YearOfYouRemember · 05/12/2018 15:04

Do the dresses really cost £250? If they do then you're not subsidising the wedding.

Mummblebee · 05/12/2018 15:13

Thank you @londonrach.. Will try the Morrisons brand nappies. Have had several leaks with the lidl.

Hope you take the advice OP.. Seems most people are in agreement here x

ShinyMe · 05/12/2018 15:37

I agree with people who say that if you let her pay, she'll never let you forget it. She'll bring it up again if you ever spend money on something for yourself or your children that she deems to be extravagant. She'll make digs, she'll tell other people, and she'll judge for ever. Drop out now.

ScrantonTheElectricCity · 05/12/2018 15:42

Did you ask her about her FB status and what that was about?

ferntwist · 05/12/2018 15:43

I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking my bridesmaids to pay for their dresses. It’s a gift from the bride, not for them to pay. Any site that says it’s normal must be American and not British.

Charmatt · 05/12/2018 15:50

I feel for you and I think you have done the right thing, but in a similar situation - I was expected to pay for my dress when asked to be my SIL's bridesmaid - I decided to not to do it. Initially she didn't say we were expected to pay and then said she had chosen the dresses, they would cost us £150 and she had chosen a design with bare arms.

At the time, we didn't have any extra cash going spare, and me baring my arms is a huge no-no! I swallowed hard and said, having thought about it, I was going to decline her offer as we couldn't afford it and I would rather my daughter (who had also been asked) be the focus rather than me, in a dress that wouldn't suit me. She had one other child bridesmaid and 4 other adult ones, but I was taken on a guilt trip, as I'd ruined her day before it even happened and everyone else was paying so why shouldn't I? I stuck to my decision and on the day made sure my daughter looked every inch the bridesmaid.

...it turns out she's a controlling cow.....has spent the last 7 years isolating my brother from his friends and family and now we no longer see them at all, due to the never ending list of things that we do that upset her (all made up!). My brother knows where we are, but until he can see the light, we won't be able to see him.

Icanttakemuchmore · 05/12/2018 15:50

As far as I remember, the cost of bridesmaids dresses falls to the couple getting married, not the bridesmaid. Cf's

Motoko · 05/12/2018 16:08

Google might say it's the done thing, but if you want to know about questions of etiquette, Debbretts are the authority.

They say the bride and groom pay.

dulcefarniente · 05/12/2018 16:32

"You can wear it again" I'd be wearing it every time I saw her - before and after the wedding.

whitechocolatespaceegg · 05/12/2018 16:37

When I got married 10 years ago as all my bridesmaids were adults we all went shopping together and they chose their own dress in the same fabric. I paid for them, all accessories and hair on the day. My sister is getting married in May and I am a bridesmaid with one of her friends. We have chosen a dress together, my sister just wanted a particular colour and length. It was all very painless and she is paying.
It wouldn't occur to me that bridesmaid pay for their dresses!

Leapfrog44 · 05/12/2018 16:46

wow - I'm shocked to hear this is 'normal' behaviour. Why is this selfish, self-obsessed cow even your friend?

Anyone who actually cared about you would make totally sure that your financial situation is not made worse by the wedding; and if you're skint, would stump up herself for the dress.

I'm sorry to break it to you but she is not a true friend and you should extract yourself from the wedding and friendship now.

Original poster
bridezilla1 · 05/12/2018 17:20

I think to me it's the behaviour leading up to who buys the dress, like it was always assumed the BMs would pay and she would choose a dress and no discussion had?

If at one of the many "important" wedding chats she had said we would need to pay for our own I could have said that that moment I have a small budget for the wedding outfit and would have to step down if it was more. The last minute ordering and asking if we can transfer just seems thoughtless.

Another of the bridesmaids has messaged me offering to pay half towards my dress so B2B has obviously told her the issues most likely not in a nice light!

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/12/2018 17:25

Even if someone pays half. It's still £125 pound before christmas. Politely decline.

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