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Original poster

To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

833 replies

bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 14:43

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

OP posts:
londonrach · 05/12/2018 17:26

@mummblebee. The morrisons savers pack was a surprise to me. Kinda needed nappies and no money through id try them. They seriously work for my daughter no leaks. Think every bottom is different.

Sorry op....i could write reviews on nappies as tried most now. I must be the only person who doesnt like aldi and hate the sainsburys and boots ones.

Hope you stand your ground op

Alaaya · 05/12/2018 17:33

Another person saying it's an American tradition to have the bridesmaid's pay. I've been a bridesmaid 7 times in the UK and got married as well. In all weddings, the bride paid for dresses. I actually loathe the American tradition of getting the bridesmaids to pay, unless you're just asking them to wear X colour and then giving them free reign.

And £250 is a massive amount of money to spend on a dress.

Blueink · 05/12/2018 17:48

OP can u have a conversation on the phone?

grumiosmum · 05/12/2018 17:49

OP, might you be able to recoup some of the cost if you sell it on eBay after the wedding?

(Not saying that you should, but just that this could be an option).

Whocansay · 05/12/2018 17:52

Back away. I agree with one of the PPs - she will make you pay for it in one way or another.

Whatever happens, if you continue to be a bridesmaid for her, it will be a miserable time for you. Cut your losses and keep your money for your DC.

KitKat1985 · 05/12/2018 17:57

I think you need to call her and have an honest conversation on the phone, and to be honest if I was you, I'd back out. She may grudgingly pay for the dress, but as I said upthread, I bet you she still expects you to pay for shoes, make-up, hair, accessories.....

AutumnB · 05/12/2018 17:58

So one of the other BMs is paying £250 for her own dress and offered to pay £125 for yours? Wow! She must be loaded Grin

SAMlady · 05/12/2018 18:00

I've been a bridesmaid six times, each time the dress, shoes, jewellery, accessories, nails and hair and make up were paid for by the bride.

I did the same for my bridesmaids, it's expensive enough for them with hen do and wedding

Agree you should resign and nip this in the bud

Motoko · 05/12/2018 18:03

Another of the bridesmaids has messaged me offering to pay half towards my dress so B2B has obviously told her the issues most likely not in a nice light!

Which is exactly why many of us suggested you post a message on the group chat, explaining the situation. Not having as much disposable income as others, is nothing to be ashamed of. Get that message posted, and back out of BM duties now!

homeishere · 05/12/2018 18:05

That’s really kind of the other bm to offer to pay half.

rainbowquack · 05/12/2018 18:11

I am so surprised to learn that this is a thing! I paid for my bridesmaids dresses, and have never paid for a dress.

My best friend was a single mum when I got married and I paid for her DS's suit and shoes as I couldn't expect her to buy him clothes that I wanted, for him to wear to my wedding day!

It sounds to me like she is getting a bit carried away and thinking that her wedding is clearly the most important thing for everyone else around her. It's quite a common ailment, apparently.

delboysskinandblister · 05/12/2018 18:12

and i thought i was delboy's sister but she is one dodgy scamming bastard. Did she request you make the money transfer to a Nigerian bank account?

She is a hard nosed bully. I told you she won't stop until you or anyone but her have paid for the dress.

This is not about the dress. She can't afford her own wedding and she is behaving like a spoilt brat - total narc.

Keep strong OP! Smile

Pfingstrose · 05/12/2018 18:14

I really feel for you OP, what a horrible position to be put in.

The nasty FB post was particularly spiteful and self absorbed.

Boohissmiss · 05/12/2018 18:16

I’m sorry OP your friend had been really unfair . I wouldn’t accept the other BM offer of half it wouldn’t be fair on her or you . She no doubt realises how unfair the bride has been to you and is trying to help .

Jux · 05/12/2018 18:18

What a nice bm! It still leaves £125 to pay on it, which is more than double your top budget, so still leaves you with an unattainable goal. Maybe though the bride will just pay that without expecting you to pay her back. You would still have to get shoes etc. So altogether a lovely gesture but futile.

Original poster
bridezilla1 · 05/12/2018 18:21

Yes the other BM is lovely, she said if I wanted to keep the peace she was happy to pay half and not mention it to the B2B but I'm just not comfortable doing that. I kindly declined and said I wouldn't feel right taking her money.

I actually tried to call her yesterday evening but no response and it has been texts ever since.

I totally agree with buying the dresses being different if chosen there's where I feel the line is blurred. If she had said we would be responsible but could pick or make suggestions then I'd have picked something £50 and under and something that I could possibly wear again if taken up.

I could possibly get maybe £50 of it back selling on but it would be difficult as its not really suitable for a very posh occasion or a prom but looks like a bridesmaid dress so on its own unlikely to sell. If the bride paid and kept the dresses she could probably sell as a bundle.

OP posts:
delboysskinandblister · 05/12/2018 18:22

I wonder which of the other bridesmaids is currently having their ear bent to pay the other half of the dress. cringes at another phonecall coming your way

Avrannakern · 05/12/2018 18:28

Really OP, you know she's talking about you behind your back and that bm was lovely... But one of more of the others might feel annoyed if they pay for their and you don't pay for yours and then you have evil bridesmaids to deal with.

A succinct message on the group chat to say "I'm sorry that my situation has caused an issue but I'm a single parent with a limited budget. My income must support a child and with Xmas around the corner, a huge expense for someone else's wedding is not affordable. I just don't have the money. If it's causing upset, then I'm happy to support (the bride) ad a guest).

Cornishclio · 05/12/2018 18:42

I would back out. No way will this end well. She has been thoughtless and as lovely as it is for another bridesmaid to offer to pay half I would not feel comfortable with this and obviously neither do you. Either go as a guest or not at all.

MerdedeBrexit · 05/12/2018 18:46

PLEASE, OP, bow out of being a bridesmaid - this can only get worse. Avrannakern's message to the group chat is good, though I would change the last sentence to: "I'm afraid I'm going to have to bow out of being a bridesmaid as I didn't realise it would be so expensive, though I am, of course, happy to support (the bride) as a guest." Or something - but please, don't carry on with this!

Tistheseason17 · 05/12/2018 18:50

Not replying to your texts/phone calls is just plain nasty.
She's supposed to be a good friend to you, too - it's not one way traffic in friendships.

AhNowTed · 05/12/2018 19:00

OP stop calling and texting.

It's demeaning now.

Sit tight and wait for her to contact you.

Snowwontbelong · 05/12/2018 19:16

If you accept another bm paying for you it's laying the responsibility of the payment at your door with poor you being, well too poor to pay - not her for being a true cf in the first place!!
Step away op, you won't be a guest in a good light either I imagine.

littlebillie · 05/12/2018 19:16

Bride pays for the dress

Boohissmiss · 05/12/2018 19:19

I agree it’s time to let her come to you. You sound like a great friend and have put up with more than I would at this point . In fact I would have told her to stick her wedding up her arse if she has posted that Facebook comment directed at me. She will look back on this in years to come and see how unreasonable she is. I think even the sanest people can get carried away when it comes to weddings and expect the world to revolve around there wedding. I was BM to a friend who wanted me to go away on her hen weekend to Prague when my baby was 4 weeks old. She went crazy when I wouldn’t go after she had her own baby she messaged me apologing saying she tottally got it and she wouldn’t have left her baby either .

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